‘Not yet. Seventeen.’
‘Seventeen!’
‘Yes. Concentrate on keeping the torch on the path, so we don’t fall in any holes.’
‘I’m trying, but I need to keep it straight ahead so we don’t walk into any giant spiderwebs, or rip out our eyes on a stray thorn branch.’
‘Well, keep flicking it around then. Not that fast! That’s better. Only fifteen paces left to go.’
We shuffled forwards a few more steps.
‘Why are we whispering, by the way?’ I asked.
Marilyn tugged me a little closer. ‘I don’t know why you’re whispering, but I’m doing it so the dangerous villain doesn’t hear and come to pick us off as easy prey. How many steps?’
I ducked just in time to avoid a low branch, then paused to look around. ‘This should about do it. Shine your torch to the left and wave it about a bit.’
We clomped about in the undergrowth for a few minutes, looking for the clearing surrounded by the blackberry bushes. Marilyn’s search grew increasingly urgent, until she suddenly stopped dead, so that I crashed into the back of her.
‘Hang on a minute. Why are we looking for a pile of bushes designated by Hester as the official bathroom anyway? Take this.’ She handed me the torch.
I turned away. ‘What are you doing? You can’t just go in the middle of nowhere.’
‘Hello? Everywhere here is the middle of nowhere. Hester’s pretend bathroom is the middle of nowhere. It’s the dead of night. There’s nobody here. It’s not as though I’m going to need the trowel.’
I shuddered. ‘Under no circumstances am I using the trowel this weekend.’
‘Tomorrow, we should hike through the woods until we reach the visitor centre. Or an actual campsite. There’ll be a no-trowel-necessary toilet there.’
Marilyn, job done, took the torch from me. I found a discreet spot a short distance away and took my turn.
‘I bet Hester never even got permission for us to be here. Kim’s right. It can’t be legal to camp in the middle of the woods with no facilities, or running water or anything,’ I said.
‘What I want to know is?—’
I never did find out what she wanted to know. At that point, a thing hurtled out of the pile of ferns to my right, tripped overmy crouching form, and tumbled head over heels into a patch of stinging nettles.
My goodness. A good job Marilyn had gone already. An elite SAS commando’s pelvic floor couldn’t withstand that sort of attack out in the middle of the pitch-black woods and caught in a compromising position.
Marilyn screamed, careening from side to side with the torch beam, blinding me and no doubt the creature, now thrashing about and making hideous screeching noises. ‘Find a weapon! Run for your life! Every woman for herself! If I don’t make it back, tell the twins and James I love them!’
I quickly rendered myself decent. Marilyn picked up a broken stick and advanced towards the writhing, shadowy shape, now making distinctly un-beast-like noises like, ‘Ah! Aaah! Oh! Get me out!’
Definitely not a dangerous villain then, judging by the pathetic wails and impractical boots.
‘Keep still. You’re only making it worse.’ I tucked my hand inside my anorak to protect it from the nettles, and grabbed on to one flailing hand. Marilyn dropped the stick and took hold of the other. Together we pulled, managing not to fall into the nettle pit, and stood the filthy, matted, semi-hysterical woman on her feet.
It was a good job there were no bathrooms with mirrors for Kim to take a look at herself. Even without the gazillion red and white nettle stings bumping out all over her bare skin, she looked as though she’d been living wild in the forest for a month, not a couple of hours. Wowzers. I had looked better than that after three weeks living on the street with an infected knife wound.
‘Where have you been?’ Marilyn asked, incredulous. ‘What happened? We thought you’d gone home.’
Kim looked at her. A fat tear carved a white path through the mud on her cheek.
‘Oh, it doesn’t matter.’ Marilyn wrapped her up in a hug, and began walking her back through the woods. I waited for them to take a few more steps.
‘Er, guys? I think you’re heading in the wrong direction.’
After a few false starts, we eventually found the path back to the tents. Once there, we stuffed Kim with hot dogs and hot chocolate, listening to her tale of woe about her search for a phone signal leading her further and further into the forest, until her battery ran out. Then the rain started, so she took shelter under a large tree. After a few minutes, she gave up waiting for the rain to stop and began wandering around aimlessly, trying to find any form of civilisation, until she caught the glow of the torch in the distance.
