‘Stuckandlost, for a really long time,’ Naomi conceded. ‘And now, look at you. Free to love again. To fullyliveagain.’
‘To stop and smell the roses along the way,’ Ezra added.
‘You’ve gained so much; try not to get bogged down in what you lost.’
I tried. I honestly did. I started to think about taking steps forwards. Having been accepted onto the week-long floristry course, I now had to consider where I was going to live. The farmhouse was wonderful, in small doses, but after years in my own space, where I put something down and it was, not only still there, but not even broken or covered in biscuity fingerprints when I came back to it later, I was growing a little claustrophobic.
I joined Naomi’s book club and started hanging out with a couple of women I met there who were a similar age to me. They didn’t make me pledge allegiance to their gang, or drink a horrible cocktail as an initiation ceremony, but they were fun to be with, and didn’t seem bothered by my currently aimless state.
I even arranged an initial session with a counsellor to help me avoid retreating back into old, constrictive habits.
But it was the wisdom of JoJo that made me see sense.
It was a boiling hot Saturday a week before the end of June, almost a fortnight since Gideon had been to visit me, and at least two hours since I’d thought about him, which was progress.
JoJo asked if we could go and get an ice cream, and, having nothing better to do right then, I could hardly say no.
‘Did you see that girl in the ice-cream queue, asking for triple scoops of chocolate cookie dough?’ she asked, once we’d settled ourselves on a bench looking out across the valley.
‘Um, the one with the blonde hair and a crop top?’
JoJo nodded wisely. ‘That’s Holly. She’s in my tutor group. Do you know why she had three scoops?’
‘She really likes ice cream?’
‘Uh-uh.’ JoJo took a long lick of her strawberry cone, giving time for the tension to build. ‘She’s emotional eating.’
‘Oh?’
‘Yes.’ JoJo adopted her here-comes-gossip pose, and I readied myself for a very long sentence. ‘Because Harry broke up with her because he said she can’t commit and she was like, “What are you talking about, I’m your girlfriend, how is that not commitment enough, we’re exclusive, aren’t we? When Kye DM’d me, I deleted it right away”, but Harry’s like, “Yeah, but commitment isn’t words, it’s actions” and Holly’s all, “What does that even mean, Harry?” and he said, “Well, you always sit with your friends at lunch, you take hours to reply to my Snaps, and when I asked you to hang out on Sunday, you said you were busy but then I saw you with Mika and Rayon and it’s no good saying you want to be with me if you don’t even act like it…”’
JoJo went on for a while longer, describing how Holly begged for another chance, then Harry said he was done with girls messing him about and was going to play football with his mates, but I’d mostly tuned out.
It had hit me like a bolt of very obvious lightning.
Gideon didn’t want a relationship with me because he was afraid I couldn’t commit.
I could accept that and keep trying to wade through my rejection until I moved on.
Or I could show him, by my actions, that he had nothing to be scared about.
I tried not to rush JoJo into finishing her ice cream so we could head back to the farmhouse, but those fifteen minutes of social commentary on the romantic complexities of Year Seven girls were the longest quarter-hour of my life.
I had so much to do, and not a moment to lose.
35
Three weeks later, I was walking up the Riverbend drive again. I’d put on my big-girl pants and called Hattie the day after my ice cream with JoJo. We’d talked, cried and even managed to laugh together a few times by the time we hung up. I unmuted the Gals’ group chat, and that weekend, we had a video call while everyone was round at Deirdre’s for a painting party. Deirdre, Laurie and Kalani painted her living space in bright colours, while Hattie worked on a painting of a Brimstone butterfly to complement the pale-green kitchen cabinets.
‘We told you, Soph,’ Kalani reminded me in no uncertain terms. ‘Once a Gal, always a Gal, unless gross misconduct of a man-stealing kind has occurred. We’re just glad you’re back, that’s all.’
‘On video, at least,’ Deidre added. ‘When are you joining us in person?’
‘Well,’ I replied. ‘I was going to ask you about that…’
The answer they came up with stunned all of us (except maybe Hattie), and Kalani most of all.
* * *
