I managed a hint of a smile. ‘She left a message saying Aidan had been to see her. It must have gone okay, then?’
Gideon’s smile threatened to eclipse his whole face. ‘It has.’
‘What about your mum?’
‘We had to tell her. I mean, you’ve seen him. Even with her poor eyesight, it’s obvious.’
‘It must have been a shock.’
‘Of course. And she was very upset Hattie hadn’t told her sooner, but it’s hard to stay mad at a woman who’s battling for her life. They’ve had some conversations, reached as easy a truce as Mum can manage.’
‘Right.’ I didn’t know what else to say, still discombobulated that he was here.
‘Anyway, Aidan is with her today, so I took the opportunity to come and see you, because I wanted to—’
‘Gideon, I’m so sorry,’ I blurted, interrupting him. ‘For everything. The lies, the falling in love with you and especially the disappearing like I did. I didn’t know how to make it better, so I reverted to type and ran away.’
‘Thank you. I appreciate that. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry too. I was upset, and in shock, obviously, but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you, and I should have listened to what you had to say.’ Gideon shrugged as he leaned back against the chair. ‘I never expected you to leave, though. Or to stop being friends with Hattie.’
‘The last thing I wanted, or any of you needed, was me complicating things. Making you feel uncomfortable.’ I was surprised it had taken me this long, but I finally started to cry. ‘I left so you could focus on Hattie.’
‘I understand. That’s why I’m here, to clear the air so things won’t be awkward if you come and see Hattie again. I know she’d like that.’
‘And… is… is that the only reason?’ I asked, because the only man I’d ever been in love with had come all the way here to see me, so I couldn’t let him go again without having asked. ‘If you’re sorry, and I’m sorry, is there any way we can get past it? Maybe… try again?’
He sat up, his shoulders stiffening, and I realised that I’d said the wrong thing.
‘Sophie, I…’ He stopped, swallowed and ran a hand through his chestnut hair, which it turned out was just enough time for my heart to break all over again. ‘I meant what I said at the party. I was all-in. Completely in love with you.’
Was.
‘I believe you thought you meant what you said, too.’
‘What? I did mean it!’
‘But then, a few hours later, you disappeared, leaving a note on the kitchen table. For Hattie, not me.’
‘And I’ve apologised, explained… you said you understood.’
‘I do understand. I understand that, after what’s happened to you, you find it impossible to commit. That even when you thought you loved me, the first big issue we encountered, the first time I wasn’t patient or perfect, you were gone. That might still be okay, I would take the risk, do the work, trust that eventually, we’ll know that you can stick it out, if things were different. But I’m currently caring for my desperately ill birth-mother and getting my head around a birth-father who is alive and wanting to be a part of my life, all while trying to protect the woman I call my mum. Oh, and keep a business I don’t have the time or energy to run still running.
‘There are too many people who need me. I’m not sure you even want me, deep down. Not long-term. And even if I did have the capacity for long-distance, right now, my heart is in no fit state to risk being broken.’ His voice cracked, and I realised he was probably as upset as me. ‘I don’t trust you not to break my heart again.’
I nodded, unable to find any words, even if I could have forced them past the splinters of shattered hope in my throat.
‘Come and see Hattie, though. She’s what matters right now.’
Somehow, we managed an awkward sort-of hug, and I was able to resist crumpling into a pathetic heap on the kitchen tiles until after he’d left.
* * *
I thought about my visit from Gideon incessantly, replaying the conversation as it was and fantasising about what I should have said to make him give us another chance.
I rambled to Naomi and Ezra about it a few times. They made sympathetic noises and reminded me to focus on the hugely positive steps I’d made while in Sherwood Forest.
‘A big part of you has been stuck—’ Naomi said.
‘Lost,’ Ezra interrupted.
