We kissed again, and then some more, until Arthur rang Elliot to say that Elsa had turned up, his float had punctured, he was freaking out and needed his wingmen.
‘Maybe don’t go?’ I said, resting my head against his chest. ‘Maybe freaking out about a public proposal two months in is an appropriate response, and the best thing that can happen is no one talks him into it. Elsa and her family can go home none the wiser.’
‘It’d be kind of hard to explain the party, let alone the banner, if he did chicken out.’
‘And if he goes through with it, and she doesn’t say yes, he’s going to need his friends,’ I added.
Elliot stood up, holding out one hand. ‘You’re coming with me, though?’
‘Well, seeing as the only reason I was here was to hide from you, I suppose I am.’
* * *
The Barn garden looked even worse – better? – than I’d imagined. Connie had gone to town, stringing up church bell shaped bunting between the trees. There were plastic plinths displaying photos of Arthur and Elsa’s brief courtship all over the place, masses of church candles, and Isaac’s photos hadn’t done those gravestone chairs any justice.
Mum spotted us across the grass, bouncing up and down with glee, but I was spared from her sprinting over as at that point some classical music started blaring, and everyone’s attention was soon caught by an almighty splashing over in the pond.
For an excruciating twelve minutes, Arthur sploshed and crashed his way through the algae-infested, freezing cold water. He had a turquoise float under one arm, which kept propelling him around in a semi-circle before he realised and did a course correction by swapping it to the other arm.
The whole scenario was an attempt to recreate the iconic scene from thePride and Prejudicefilm. Unfortunately, unlike Mr Darcy, Arthur was not only unable to swim very well; he had also decided to keep on his waistcoat and best funeral suit. As he staggered out of the water, chest heaving, dripping with mud and a strand of pondweed caught in his hair, he appeared more like an extra from a horror film than a romantic hero.
As Isaac solemnly handed him his top hat and cane, Elsa gave a round of rapturous applause, crying out ‘bravo!’ as her boyfriend squelched towards her and took her hand to kiss.
Climbing unsteadily onto a chair, water still streaming off him, he’d certainly got everyone’s attention.
‘Firstly, thank you everyone for coming on this most special occasion,’ he said, his voice cracking like a pubescent boy until he stopped to wipe his forehead with a purple handkerchief, and took a few deep breaths. ‘Right. Where was I? Oh yes, I was about to offer sincere thanks to my beloved, Elsa, and her delightful family, who I have the pleasure of meeting for the first time today. They are as splendid as I’d have imagined the people who conceived, birthed and raised Elsa to be.’
‘I told him not to mention conceiving,’ I whispered to Elliot, my trepidation growing.
‘As most of you know, I’ve never had much luck with the fairer sex. That is, until the wonderful Jessica Brown re-entered my life.’ Arthur tipped his hat at me across the lawn.
I resisted the urge to bury my head in my hands, as a tall, blonde woman who looked the image of Elsa turned around, frowning.
‘She helped me see that the best way to win the heart of the woman I loved was to be myself.’
‘That’ssonot how it went,’ Elliot murmured.
‘And here I am! Arthur Wood, of Wood and Sons. Funeral director, runner up in the Chimney Cup, grave-hunter and novice cook. A man no longer in possession of his own heart, because I gave it to Elsa Larsson the moment she said, “Would you all please stand for our first hymn”.’
A tiny snort escaped, as I battled to contain my nervous laughter.
‘After so many years of waiting, I’ve got no reason to wait any longer, because I know I couldn’t find a better woman if I kept on looking for the rest of my life.’
He hopped down from the chair, top hat falling off as he stumbled into a man I presumed to be Elsa’s dad, before righting himself and going down on one knee.
‘Elsa, I want you so much it’s given me indigestion. Will you marry me? Preferably as soon as possible?’
Crunch time. Elsa was at an angle to me, so I’d not been able to gauge her reaction so far. I prayed she wouldn’t break his heart, but if the answer was no – or at least, not yet – she’d find a gentle way to say it.
Her opening words made me prepare for the worst. ‘Arthur Wood, we’ve only known each other for fifteen weeks! It’s ridiculous to decide that quickly whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone! I’m twenty-six! That’s a lot more weeks I’d be stuck with you.’
‘Around 2,500, if we survive until the current life expectancy,’ Arthur chipped in.
‘But, the truth is, that from the moment you offered to show me Elspeth Tickle’s grave, I knew you were the man for me. A billion weeks isn’t long enough. I’ve spent the past month wondering whether I was going to have to give up waiting and ask you myself!’
‘For the benefit of my blood pressure, and our gathered family and friends, would you mind answering the question, please?’
Elsa twisted around, jolting slightly as she took in the hundred or so guests waiting with bated breath.
