‘How did it go?’
He’d appeared in the kitchen and announced that he was cooking dinner a few minutes after Brayden had left, turning up his dance playlist and bouncing around pretending he was having a great time. Isla, never one to sit playing Lego if there was a party in the next room, had immediately joined us, and I hadn’t had a chance to ask how his meet-up with Courtney had gone until now.
He sank onto the other half of the bench.
‘Not great.’
I waited for him to go on.
‘She said she needs to think about what’s best. For all of us. Had this spiel about how Hazel would be better off without a miserable mum who wasn’t ready. Where she’s living isn’t a good place for a baby, which is probably true.’
‘Does she want to keep her relationship going with Hazel, to see her for a few hours at the weekends, if she can’t cope with the thought of having joint custody?’
‘I don’t know. I think she might think it’s easier just to cut off all contact, put it behind her.’
‘She can’t believe that’s best for Hazel.’
‘When I tried to argue, she threatened to put her up for adoption, called me controlling and manipulative.’
‘I really don’t think she can do that. You’re proving you can make it work.’
‘Thanks to you.’ He gave me a weak smile.
‘Thanks to you. You’ve handled this whole thing amazingly well. Hazel is blessed to have you.’
He wrinkled his nose. ‘I guess you don’t hear me crying myself to sleep all the way over in the cabin.’
‘You’ve lost your girlfriend, your home and things are still rough with your mum, at the same time as becoming a single dad. I’d be worried if you hadn’t cried about it.’
He swiped at his eyes, then bent to kiss his daughter’s head. ‘Yeah. It’s been a lot.’
‘And it’s only been a couple of weeks. Courtney might just need more time to work stuff through. She said she’s not decided yet.’
He nodded, jaw clenched to stop it wobbling.
‘Have you arranged another meet-up?’
‘Nah. Said she’s got a lot on at the moment.’
He tried to laugh, no doubt comparing her schedule to his, but it ended up in a sob.
I shuffled up on the bench and stretched my arms around Toby and his daughter while we sat there and watched the sun go down. I’d learned in my many stints as a birth partner that sometimes there are no words, nothing you can do to takesomeone’s pain away. But you can sit beside them, and often that’s the best thing you can do.
32
I felt about a stone lighter over the next few days. Letting go of the dregs of my bitterness towards Brayden, flipping my perspective onto what I’d gained, and he’d lost, as a result of his selfish choices, made everything seem different. It was hard to believe that only a few weeks ago I was treading water, clinging onto Dad for dear life and in everyone else’s business so I could ignore how defeated and lonely I was.
‘Have you been secretly meeting Jonah without telling me?’ Nicky asked through narrowed eyes during our Wednesday lunchbreak. I was relieved to see that she was cradling Bolt, Daisy’s baby, without appearing as if she wanted to run away with him or start sobbing. ‘You look strangely well.’
‘Nope,’ I said, which was the truth. Phone calls didn’t count, did they? ‘Look at me, Nicky. And you should see my house. Isla didn’t cry once today. I went along to the quiz night at the pub with Dad and Janet last night, and a mum from school insisted I join her team instead of hanging with a load of old codgers – that’s not an insult, it’s Dad’s team name. I spent the evening having fun –fun!– with people my own age who aren’t even pregnant, and then came home and slept for six hours straight.I have a list of meals for the week stuck on my fridge, and none of them include processed nasties. I think I might actually be starting to remember what happy feels like.’
‘Okay, that’s all great and I’m thrilled for you and everything, but can we get back to why the heck you haven’t seen Jonah?’
On Friday, I picked up a dismantled shelving unit that someone in the village had been giving away for free. While Toby sanded, stained and straightened it out, I spent the weekend sorting through the mess in the living room, ruthlessly whittling it down to what could be neatly tidied away, the kids helping me because Brayden and Silva were busy at a wedding. I spent half a minute flicking through their posts on Instagram, made a mental note that Silva’s baby bump had definitely dropped since Tuesday’s class, winced at how hard Brayden was trying to look as though he was enjoying himself despite the panic behind his eyes, and then blocked their account.
One reason I hadn’t seen Jonah was because Ellis still hadn’t come back to Bloomers. We’d spoken a couple more times on the phone, and it was clear that the stress of watching his sister slide back into self-implosion was wearing him down.
‘You need to do something fun,’ I said on Saturday evening, keen to share the benefits of my newfound wisdom.
