‘Ugh. I hate him. He looks like a sneaky weasel,’ Bridget declared. ‘You’re better off without him and his fabricated research. Come and work for Prof Cole – he might be a boorish prig but he’s an honest prig.’
‘I think he’s trying to get your attention.’ Cooper pointed in the direction of the Nottingham University Neuroscience Department table, where the professor was beckoning Bridget over, making exaggerated drinking gestures.
‘I’d better go and join him. He’s convinced he’s won the lifetime contribution award, and wants us all there to fake how delighted we are.’
She turned and grabbed Cooper’s arm again. ‘But don’t go anywhere! At least, not until you’ve given me your number. Or, call me on mine – it’s still the same. Find me on Instagram or something. DO NOT disappear again!’
Cooper smiled, hoping it hid the pang of longing in his chest. His terrible reputation might not have spread as far as New Zealand, or Siberia. He could find a job somewhere far enough away from Bridget Donovan so that he could manage to exist without her, couldn’t he?
Bridget scurried to her seat, and the room fell silent as the host prepared to announce the winner of the award that every fledgling neuroscientist dreamed of receiving one day.
‘And this year’s Henry Munch Lifetime Achievement Award for an outstanding contribution to neuroscience and behavioural science goes to…’
Professor Angus Cole had downed his drink and already half risen to his feet by the time the name was announced.
‘Professor Ernestine Lavinski!’
The room went wild.
While celebrity psychologist Ernestine Lavinski, better known as Prof Love, glided her way onto the stage, Professor Cole seemed frozen, backside hovering a foot above his chair, spine hunched as he gripped its arms.
Prof Love graciously accepted the gold trophy, holding it aloft as people cheered and whistled. Gesturing with a smile for the crowd to die down, she leant her willowy frame towards the microphone.
‘Thank you so much. What an incredible surprise. I wasn’t expecting this at all.’
‘Why would you be? No one in their right mind would have expected you to win,’ Professor Cole barked, causing a rumble of excited anticipation from the crowd. Nothing those neuroscientists loved more than a public spat between rival professors.
Ernestine blinked, her smile temporarily vanished before she spotted who had spoken, at which point her eyes took on a steely glint. ‘As I was saying, thank you. Most of you know how much the noble study of psychology means to me.’
‘Hah! Noble! Nothing but guesswork and common sense. Not fit to be classed as a science if you ask me.’
‘Which no one did,’ Ernestine pointed out. ‘It has been a joy and an honour to devote my life to helping discover the secrets of how we think, and how our thoughts, alongside a myriad other factors, determine our behaviour; for example, why someone would indulge in gross rudeness, embarrassing themselves and a roomful of fellow professionals, when purely motivated by jealousy and an overwhelming feeling of inferiority.’
‘INFERIORITY!’ The professor pulled himself up to stand upright, tugging at his waistcoat as he smirked at the other tables, assuming they’d all agree with him. ‘You haven’t published a single piece of credible research in over a decade!’
‘With all due respect, which in this case is virtually none, I have sold over three million books. How many people do you think read your latest paper on, what was it again? Oh, hang on a minute, nobody actually noticed or cared.’
Cooper could see Bridget frantically trying to persuade her boss to sit down. No one else moved or uttered so much as a delighted gasp, entranced by the impromptu after-dinner entertainment.
‘How dare you insult this room of mostly credible scientists! Every single person here, most probably including you, knows that the only reason you won this award is the exact same reason three million gullible cretins bought your books!’ He spat, both the words and some accompanying spittle. ‘A charming smile, bewitching eyes and a media career as the notorious Professor Love! Lifetime contribution to televisual tripe, more like!’
‘Oh, you’re only bitter because I’ve made a highly successful career out of bringing people together,contributingto happiness, long-term loving partnerships and shedloads of fabulous sex! Three things your life has been sadly missing since I dumped you in 1986!’
Now, thatdidelicit a gasp from the entranced listeners. Somebody by the side of the stage tried to get the host’s attention by making furious slashing motions across their neck. Cooper chuckled, admiring the host’s impressive job of pretending to ignore them. This would send ticket sales for next year’s event through the roof.
‘Long-term partnerships!’ Professor Cole tucked his thumbs into his waistcoat pocket, tipping his chin up slightly in classic lecture pose as he smirked, clearly about to launch his fatal blow. ‘And how many of the so-called couples on that blind-date wedding show of yours have stayed together beyond the initial three months, Professor Lavinski? How much happiness, and let’s go with short-term partnerships – let alone loving ones – or genuine acts of sexual intercourse did your outdated, pseudo-scientific, bunkum baloney of a supposedly infallible technique manage to produce?’
Professor Ernestine turned briskly back to the lectern, as if she had a hope in hell of returning to her acceptance speech.
‘Anyone?’ Professor Cole roared. ‘Anyone care to make a guess? I believe it is precisely none!’
‘I’m flattered you take so much interest in my career.’
Professor Cole was too busy chortling to respond.
‘And I suppose, as aproperscientist, you could do better?’ Prof Love was losing her cool, brandishing the award now as if considering whether she had the strength to hurl it far enough to hit her target.
The target raised his bushy eyebrows in gleeful surprise. ‘Is that a challenge, Professor?’
