By some sort of miracle, I made it through church, and on to Sunday lunch. One small consolation being that my parents didn’t know, so we couldn’t talk about it. Mum’s consternation that Cooper was working, the same day that Bridget and Paolo were AWOL and Dad was too fatigued to join us, was thankfully balanced out by Greg and Annie’s rays of loved-up happiness and Sam’s presence at the table.
Sofia and Moses gave me a lift straight to their flat.
‘Here.’ Sofia handed me one of the babies. ‘You look like you could do with a no-strings cuddle.’
I pressed my cheek against his soft, sweet, baby head and wept.
Once the twins had left, and Moses taken Eli out for a bike ride, Sofia fetched drinks and soy ice cream.
‘So, what’s going on? I’ve been trying to guess what could have happened between you and Bridget that was so big you aren’t with her the day after she broke up with Paolo.’ She pulled a wry face. ‘And that sort of led me to an inevitable conclusion.’
‘She’s in love with Cooper.’ I put my bowl of ice cream down. I hadn’t been able to squeeze anything past the ache in my throat all day.
‘Oh, Emma. I’m so sorry.’
I briefly filled her in on what had happened.
‘So you’ve not spoken to him?’
‘I can’t face it. I don’t know what to say.’ I pressed my hands against my face, as if that would lessen the pain. ‘We’re married. We made vows. And if you and Annie and Orla can work through your problems, then I have to at least try. But it hurts so much, Sofia. I really thought that I’d finally found the answer… that this time I might be enough… and now here I am. Second choice again, only this time facing begging a man to stay with me when he really wants to be with mysister. If he leaves me for her, I don’t think I can bear the humiliation. I’ll have to go back to Ireland for good.’ I got up, unable to remain still as my pain twisted back into anger. ‘Leave my business behind. I mean, can you imagine it, the three of us at Sunday lunch? Sat on the same row at church? And I’m sorry, but I won’t be video calling to join you for Wednesday Wine! And what if they end up getting married? I mean, how could they not? Am I supposed to go to the wedding? Forgive and forget? She’s not only ruined my life, she’ll have destroyed our whole family!’
Sofia handed me a tissue. ‘That’s if she ever says anything. No one needs to know how she feels about Cooper. And you don’t know yet how he feels about her. Remember, he chose you.’
‘This is Bridget we’re talking about! It’ll be completely obvious.’
I did another lap of the living room.
‘I don’t know if I want him to go, so I can crawl under a table and cry by myself for the next few years, then pack up and move on to my life as a divorcee, or for him to choose me.’ I sucked in a deep breath. ‘I know it will break her heart, but I can’t help wanting him to choose me. For all the wrong reasons. Not because I love him more than her. I know that I don’t. I barely love him at all. I just don’t think I can stand it if someone else doesn’t choose me. And besides, we’remarried. That means something.’ I came to a standstill beside her fireplace. ‘If he wants to stay married, do I have to stay with him? I mean, Orla and Sam did, and Bridget and Cooper haven’t even done anything. Only felt it. If he admits that he loves her, but wants to keep working on things with me, what then? How can we make that work? We’ll probably have to move away. And then I give up my business for a man I hardly know, who has already broken my heart in the first five weeks of marriage, who might one day decide he’s changed his mind and wants Bridget instead. Leaving me with nothing. What am I supposed to do? Marriage issacred. I meant what I promised.’
Sofia took a moment to answer. ‘You need to talk to him. Find out what he wants at least, as difficult as that might be to hear – it’s always better to know than deal with speculation and what ifs.’ It was her turn to take a deep breath then, looking up at me from under her fringe as she prepared to speak again. ‘But before you do, I need to tell you something.’
‘Bloody hell, Sofia. Did you know?’
‘No! Not that! You know I’d have told you. Or insisted they did. But if you’re making a decision about whether to stay together based on the fact that you’re married. Well. That isn’t exactly—’
‘The registrar!’ I didn’t know why this was the one clear, rational thought I’d had all day, but there it was, like a revelation bursting through the fog of despair. ‘Ginger said that Bridget and Paolo had booked a registrar. But Moses is going to marry them.’ I followed that thread to its conclusion. ‘Moses isn’t a licensed registrar, is he? Which means I’m not legally married! That whole trip to the church to sign the certificate was a big charade. What the hell, Sofia? Were you ever going to tell me or were you going to let me think I was married for as long as we both shall live?’
‘I was going to tell you! It was just in case things didn’t work out.’
‘Well, thanks for the vote of confidence!’
‘We thought that if you were still together then we’d own up on your first anniversary, throw a proper big party with all the family and you could renew your vows, only making it legal this time. You were marrying a stranger, Emma. There’s a fine line between confidence and having a sensible backup plan.’
‘Who else knew?’
‘I told Dad and Mamma.’
‘And Annie, too?’
‘We haven’t spoken about it.’
‘So I’m not legally married. And everyone knew except me. Oh, my goodness!Does Cooper know?’
Sofia shook her head. ‘I don’t think he’d realise the difference between Moses and a bog-standard vicar.’
‘Bridget?’
Sofia shrugged. ‘I honestly don’t know.’
