‘Don’t you dare criticise me for earning us money. You have no idea what a real job entails. In the real world, you can’t swan off home because your girlfriend’s feeling lonely.’
‘No, but you could perhaps manage to come home instead of going to the pub, considering you promised. And the only person to wish me a happy birthday so far is the creepy man at the Asda checkout.’
Sean looked at me then, his face a mixture of guilt and dismay. ‘It’s your birthday. Why didn’t you say something?’
‘And… and I’m pregnant,’ I sobbed out. ‘There. That’s the surprise.’
I threw down my paper napkin and ran off to the bathroom.
When I came back, twenty minutes later, having cleaned myself up and changed into sweatpants and a hoodie, Sean hadn’t moved.
I sat down opposite him, feeling more alone, more terrified, more desperate than ever before. ‘There’s cake if you want it,’ I squeaked out.
‘Are you sure?’ he asked, his lips barely moving, eyes fixed rigidly on my stomach.
‘Yes.’
‘How the shitting hell did this happen?’
I took a deep breath. He was shocked, of course he was. I had been, too.
‘I don’t know. I guess nothing’s foolproof.’
‘Especially when someone behaves foolishly.’
‘What?’ I sat back, stunned.
‘Have you been taking the pill properly?’
‘Well. Yes. I mean, I might have forgotten the odd one or two, on the days when I wasn’t feeling well. But that shouldn’t have been enough to stop them working.’
He held up his hand, in a ‘stop’ gesture. ‘I have one more question.’
I propped my head on my hands, in a futile attempt to stop it from spinning.
‘Did you do this on purpose?’
‘How could you even ask that?’
‘Oh, come off it, it’s the age-old desperate woman’s trick.’
‘I don’t need to trick you, we’re together! You love me!’
‘You still haven’t answered the question.’
No, I hadn’t. Because I knew that, right then, waiting for the answer was the only thing keeping him there.
I closed my eyes, tried to claw back my body from the brink of panic. When I opened them again, he had gone.
He came back, of course, two days later. We had one conversation about ‘my choices’, and their bearing on ‘our future’.
Another three weeks of long silences punctuated by rigid small talk followed. I slept, wept, threw up, stocked up on folic acid and lost half a stone in weight. Sean hid at the office, the pub, behind a frozen mask. Four times he stayed out all night.
Then came the day he packed his bags. ‘I’ve got a transfer.’
‘What? To where?’
‘Colorado.’
