Or, alternatively, one day when we are married.
I guess Nathan didn’t see the funny side, as there was no reply.
54
Stop Being a Loser Programme
Day One Hundred and Sixty-Four
That Sunday, I arrived to find the Larks atwitter, like hens who’d smelled a fox. Feeling awkward and embarrassed, I slipped up to the back of the group, deliberately placing myself behind Mystery Woman One, so that Nathan couldn’t see me.
Only, it turned out Nathan wouldn’t have seen me wherever I did my stretches, because the person leading the warm-up was his Valentine’s Day date, otherwise known as Kommando Kim. I suspected, given the spelling, that the closest she’d got to being an actual commando was having it sequinned across her T-shirt.
‘So, where did you say Nathan was?’ Selena asked, stretching her quad.
‘No questions. Focus! You – watch your shoulders!’ the fox barked in reply.
‘Can we ask questions now?’ Bronwyn asked, once the warm-up was over.
‘Five K. I’ll be in front, so keep up. If you can ask questions, you aren’t working hard enough. I expect nothing less than your utmost at all times. If you train half-arsed, you’ll compete half-arsed. In which case you might as well keep your lazy, sorry, fat half an arse in bed and save wasting my time, yours and the other competitors. Every woman needs to be dragging herself back into this car park, on the brink of collapse, unable to take another step.’
‘All-arsed,’ Dani muttered.
‘Um, excuse me?’ Mel asked. ‘How am I goin’ ter walk home and take care of five kids if I’m ’alf dead, and can’t take another step?’
‘Go!’ Kommando Kim clicked her stopwatch and hurtled out of the car park.
After exchanging a few bemused and irritated glances, we followed her, Marjory leading the way.
For the next 5K, we obeyed our coach and ran mainly in silence. It was freezing cold, and stinging rain began the moment we left the relative shelter of the village. Except for Marjory, who continued to push on at her own pace, we mainly huddled together in one sorry, bedraggled clutch.
‘Physical strength is pointless if you are mentally weak!’ Kim shot up and down the group, circling us like a rabid sheepdog. ‘It’s wet, so what? It’s cold, big deal! You hurt, well that’s what it takes!’
‘Can we push her off the top of the hill?’ Bronwyn wheezed.
‘How about we just all start walking?’ Dani suggested. ‘What’s she going to do? Fire us all from Kim’s Kommandos?’
‘NO TALKING!’ Kim screamed. ‘If you want to chat, join a book group! If you want to win, get that PoolPal for Piper, then shut up and start running like you mean it!’
‘Well, she seems to know what she’s talking about.’ Selena gave a smirk of approval. ‘Learnt the hashtag and everything.’
‘What everything?’ Bronwyn sneered.
Kim sprinted over to Bronwyn and leant as close to her ear as possible while still running. ‘EVERYBODY DOWN!’
‘Ow!’ Bronwyn yelped.
‘TEN BURPEES. GO!’
‘This is not in the spirit of the Larks,’ Selena muttered, eyeing the muddy ground.
‘NOW THAT’S TEN MORE! AND EVERY TIME SOMEONE ELSE INSULTS US BY THINKING THEY CAN SHIRK OFF AND HAVE A NATTER, THEN WE All DO ANOTHER TEN!’
‘All except for you,’ Dani whispered, quiet enough for no one but those either side of her to hear.
‘Crap, don’t make me laugh. That’ll be fifty press-ups or summat,’ Mel puffed.
And so it went on.
