‘It’s messed up on so many levels I didn’t know where to start. I told them both that, actually: “How dare you even sign up to a dating website under these circumstances? What kind of woman would be okay with this? You” – and here I pointed at his supposedly ex-wife – “need professional help. Sharpish. This man will never find a girlfriend you approve of – that’s not the problem here. Get some counselling right away and save shelling out for your kids to have it later.” And then I scarpered before she launched her fork at my eye.’
Ashley leaned over to pat Sarah’s arm. ‘Never mind. Keep looking. Love can turn up in the funniest places.’
Somehow, we all managed to resist pointing at Jamie. Sarah took another order for drinks while we squeezed in one more update. Frances.
‘How was the wild swimming, Frances?’ I asked.
She showed us a picture, of her in a swimsuit with a towel wrapped around her shoulders and goggles pushed up on her head, surrounded by a crowd of young men in wetsuits. ‘Cold. Muddy. Tiring. Invigorating. Marvellous. But once was enough. It took three days to get the grit out of my crevices.’
‘What’s next?’
‘I tried to book a sky-dive but they wouldn’t cover me on the insurance because I’m dying. Aren’t we all? I told them, surely that’s the best time to do it? If I crash-land it’ll save the NHS a whole lot of money it can’t afford. But they wouldn’t budge. So my next challenge is the Big Zipper.’
‘Do you mean the big dipper?’ Ellen asked. ‘The roller coaster?’
‘I do not.’ Frances snorted. ‘The Big Zipper, I said, and that’s what I meant. The fastest zip-wire in the world. Over a mile long and reaching speeds of one hundred miles per hour!’
‘Sounds fantastic,’ Kiko said.
It did. It sounded fantastic. I hoped I wouldn’t be eighty-four years old before I grew the guts and the gumption to get out there and take some risks. I made a mental note to start badgering Kiko to book that trek. To persuade Sarah to ask Jamie out.
* * *
The next morning brought with it more bad weather, leaving The Common Café empty of customers. I pottered about behind the counter while Sarah played KerPlunk with Edison. This gave me plenty of time to practise my opening line in my head:
So, Sarah, have you ever thought there might be someone worth dating at book club?
Sarah, you must have noticed that Jamie is completely nuts about you…
Look, Sarah, you’re a lovely woman, he’s a lovely man when he isn’t kicking people’s butts…
‘Why don’t you ask Jamie out?’ I blurted, when Edison went upstairs to fetch his jumper.
‘What?’ Sarah squinted at me. ‘Where did that come from?’
‘Well, you’re looking for a man. And you could do a lot worse.’
‘I’m aiming a bit higher than “could do a lot worse”. Recent events have revealed I could do a lot worse than just about every bloke in Middlebeck. Including Yellow Mickey.’
‘Well, yeah, but Jamie’s good-looking. And decent. He’s got a good business. And his desserts are amazing. He’s categorically not a dud.’ I came out from behind the counter and sat at her table.
‘Sounds like you should ask him out.’
‘I’m not looking for a relationship. And even if I did like Jamie – which I don’t, in that way, if I did we wouldn’t be having this conversation – he clearly isn’t interested in me.’
‘Why not?’ Sarah grinned at me. ‘You’re good-looking. And decent, when you aren’t beating people up…’
Before I could answer, Edison scampered back in demanding a KerPlunk rematch. But that was fine – I’d planted the idea in her head. Surely next time Sarah saw Jamie she would see why he wasn’t interested in me.
The rain intensified throughout Sunday night, hammering on the windows and doors while I lay in bed imagining rivers running through the roof. I could have got up to look, but I wasn’t up for that information at three in the morning.
Ellen had the names of a few local roofers waiting for me on Monday. ‘Ignore what my dad says. Don’t let him pressure you into anything. He can be a nasty bully. It’s the main reason we don’t see him often, and when we do it’s in small doses. Especially since Mum left. Stick at it and you’ll have that house a home again in no time.’
After seeing the kids safely into school, I called the first one on the list. Three hours later he came round and quoted a figure that made me snort tea out of my nose. Deeply offended, he stalked back to his van and revved off before I could apologise.
A second guy could fit me in some time next September. Another deemed the whole house a health and safety disaster, refusing to work without a hefty ‘contingency fee’ to cover the additional risk.
The other two never returned my call.
