“I need an explanation,” he said.
“What?”
“An explanation,” he said again. “What did I do wrong? I have welcomed you into this house as best I could. I even told you to change it in any way you wanted, to make it your home. I’ve bought gifts for you, taken you on walks, tried to talk to you, so I could know you better, and every step of the way you have frustrated me, turned your back on me…”
He paused, releasing a shuddery breath of his own. “Now, after trying so much, you want nothing more to do with me at all?”
Frederica felt her heart break into pieces in her chest. Tears stung her eyes as she understood what true heartbreak felt like — for this was it. The knowledge she was causing such pain to both her and him brought something into stark relief.
I’ve been falling in love with him.
“It’s not easy to explain,” she said, her breath hitching as she attempted to hold back her tears.
“You have to give me something. What is it that I have done which would make you dislike me so much?”
“Nothing.”
“What?”
“Youhave donenothingwrong.” She stepped toward him, laying a hand to the center of his chest. “You are the best of men, Allan.”
He shook his head, clearly not wanting to hear the words.
“Then why would you wish to be rid of me?”
“Because it is for the best. I…” She wanted to tell him that she loved him, that somehow in all this mess, her heart had become his even as she had been trying to keep it safe, but what good would that do?
Something she knew all too well about Allan now was that he would go to any lengths to protect her. If she told him that she was doing this to protect him, he would defy her. He would tell her that he’d gladly take the risk of his own life, that it was not her task to protect him, but she couldn’t allow that.
Lord Wetherington was vicious. She couldn’t take the risk of him hurting Allan.
I have to lie. It is the only way that Allan will let me go.
“I…” She started again, tears escaping down her cheek now. “I do not love you, Allan.” Her heart ached with the lie. “I don’t want to be here anymore.” She struggled to even get through the words, for this was truly exactly where she wanted to be.
Now that she was faced with the fact she wouldn’t be waking up here every day, she wanted all of it. She wanted breakfast beside Allan, as he poured her tea and she added the smoked fish to his plate. She wanted to walk with him in the rose garden, to play the harp, and talk to him about their dreams of the future.
I want to have children with this man.
The thought burned her, and more tears fell.
“Then why are you crying?” Allan asked, tears filling his own eyes though he put up a better fight than she did and didn’t let them fall. He looked suddenly distant, his face turning away.
She half wondered if he knew something, suspected something, just from the way he refused to look at her.
“Because I’m going to miss you,” she whispered.
“Not enough,” he said, his voice suddenly deep with emotion.
Then he stepped back, and her hand dropped from the center of his chest. There was coldness and distance emanating off him.
She saw Allan and Lord Wetherington side by side in her mind. Her rejection of Lord Wetherington had been met with threats and his attempt to force her into affection, but not Allan. He was too good and pure of heart. He was relenting to her now, moving back from her, shaking his head, but accepting it all the same.
“As you wish,” he said, his voice so deep that she barely recognized it. “I will have the annulment drawn up by my lawyers tomorrow if that is what you want.”
“It is,” she lied, biting her lip in an attempt to stop her sobs as he walked toward the door.
She couldn’t bear for these to be the last words between them.
