He stood abruptly and then froze as his words crashed into his chest. His friends stared at him, stunned by his declaration. Cedric's heart hammered.
What on earth am I saying? 'My everything'? Our marriage is one of convenience, not of love or anything like it. Surely that hasn't changed so quickly, has it?
Cedric found he was unable to deal with the situation any more. He turned, barely able to keep his stride steady, forcing himself not to break into a run. Ignoring the calls of his friends, he reached the door and stumbled out into the crisp night. He had to go home.
The house was quiet and dark when Cedric's carriage drew up into the courtyard. He sat motionless inside, his mind turning his earlier words over and over. He had never felt such stirring emotions before, and found himself wholly unsettled.
A polite cough came from outside the carriage, and Cedric peered out to see his footman hovering by the door. "My lord, are you ready to come inside? Do you need to go elsewhere?"
Where did he need to go? He idly wondered if Louisa had returned home in his absence. If not, what would he do? Should he go to her or leave her alone? He was giving himself a headache with all the possibilities and still, still, he had not exited his carriage.
If I stay in here any longer, Mrs. Brooks will be calling for the doctor.
Cedric nodded to the footman, who opened the door with some relief. Cedric heaved his weary body out into the air and stood, breathing deeply, looking up at his home. Somehow, he thought he could tell that Louisa was still absent from it. There was a coldness seeping from its walls that he had never noticed before. He wondered if it was something he would always notice from now on, if it was a switch that, once flicked on, could never again be turned off.
"My lord?" The footman was hovering again.
Cedric closed his eyes briefly, and when he opened them again it was with renewed vigor. "Very good, Collins." Collins bowed his head and fell back as Cedric ascended the steps into St Vincent. Cedric, who was too busy wondering when St Vincent had stopped feeling quite so much like a home, barely noticed.
Inside, the house was quiet and Cedric found that he was quite reluctant to bury himself in paperwork in his study. Instead, he paced softly up the stairs and along the corridor in the direction of the nursery. He was sure Kenneth and Abigail would be asleep by now, and he wasn't so selfish that he would wake sleeping children to try and make him feel better about himself, but he suddenly had a sharp yearning to see them.
He quietly cracked open the bedroom door and stepped inside. The curtains were cracked, and soft moonbeams shone down onto the children's beds. Cedric smiled at the sight of Kenneth's face, scrunched up angrily against the light even as he slept deeply. Abigail, in the bed farther from the window, was unaffected by it, her mouth open and little hands clutching the duvet tightly to her chest.
Cedric tiptoed to the window and pulled the drapes together more securely. The room darkened, and Kenneth snuffled behind him. He waited for his eyes to adjust to the darkness and turned, smiling as he saw Kenneth's face now relaxed and peaceful. He crossed the room once more, making to leave silently so as not to disturb their peace.
Cedric got most of the way before he tripped over an upturned corner of the rug and stumbled into the oak end table, slamming his leg into the wood with a hard thump. Pain shot across his foot and he hissed into his fist, turning to check the children hadn't woken. Hobbling slightly, he made it to the door and reached for the knob.
"Uncle Cedric? Is that you?"
He sighed and turned to see Abigail sitting up in bed, rubbing her bleary eyes. "I'm sorry for waking you, my dear. Go back to sleep," he whispered.
"You missed story time," she answered sleepily, making Cedric's heart clench.
"And I am very sorry for it. You shall have to tell me all that happened tomorrow morning at breakfast. Now, it's late, go back to sleep." Abigail made no move to slide back underneath her covers, so Cedric sighed and turned towards her bed. "Here. I shall tuck you back in all snug like a bug."
"I'm not a bug, I'm a little girl," she giggled. He tried to hush her so that they wouldn't wake her brother but Kenneth, who Cedric suspected could sense he was being left out even in unconsciousness, had already begun to stir.
"Abigail? Wha's'hap'ing? Is there a monster?"
"No, no monsters here, not since Mrs. Brooks chased them all away with a broom," Cedric reassured him. "I was silly and woke your sister and now you. But you can both go back to sleep and I will see you in the morning."
By now however, both children had struggled upright in bed and Cedric sighed. He was beginning to suspect it would take longer than he hoped to get them both back to sleep.
He began to suggest reading them a story, but Abigail was quicker. "Where's Aunt Louisa?"
Cedric stopped short. He hadn't been expecting his niece to question him on his missing wife, and he wasn't remotely sure how to answer her question without inviting further, more difficult ones to follow. But Abigail waited patiently, and now Kenneth was staring wide eyed too.
Cedric cleared his throat and tried for a soothing tone. "Your Aunt Louisa has gone to visit her papa and sisters for a few days, that's all. She hasn't seen them in quite a while and she misses them."
Abigail considered this. "When will she come home?"
"Soon," Cedric replied, hoping that he wasn't inadvertently lying to a child.
"Did Mama and Papa not like us anymore?"
Cedric and Abigail both turned in shock to stare at Kenneth. He sat with his knees tucked up under his child, and though his eyes were watery they were firm and determined.
"Child, what on earth do you mean? Where did you get such a notion?"
