"Good morning to you too, Abigail darling," Louisa said, smoothing down her dress nervously and scanning the room. Cedric was not present again. After yesterday, after speaking to him about it, after everything she had hoped desperately that he would at last be done with this avoidance. "Have I missed your uncle?"
"He had breakfast in his study again," Abigail said, eyes dropping to her plate. "He's very busy."
Louisa frowned a little, sitting down and pouring herself a small cup of coffee from the silver cafetière. "One should never be so busy that one cannot pause for breakfast," she said, confidingly. "One of my sisters did so once and before we knew it she had developed the habits of a bear and was trying to hibernate. It took us a good deal of time to clear all the berries out of her room and encourage her not to sleep through the winter." She winked and both the children giggled, the small air of disappointment fading as they started to guess what their uncle would be like as a bear.
"He would be the biggest and strongest," Kenneth said, stoutly. "Bigger and strongerer than any other bears ever!"
"I think he would want to hibernate with Aunt Louisa," Abigail said, peeking at Louisa with a little smile. "I think he would make his cave very safe for them."
"And us too!" Kenneth protested. "We would be very good bear cubs. "
"I wouldn't want to eat a whole fish," Abigail said, wrinkling her nose. "They're cold."
"They would wriggle!"
"It would be tickly," Abigail said, eating a bite of breakfast with impossible grace. "Tickly and cold."
Kenneth laughed. "I'd eat honey and berries, Uncle Cedric can have my fish."
Abigail allowed that she supposed that this would be acceptable. Louisa finished her coffee and kissed both of them on the foreheads before leaving them with the governess. The conversation had barely eased her nerves. If she and Cedric were truly becoming closer, if they cared so for each other why was he still avoiding his family?
Maybe he didn't want their first meeting after their kiss to be in front of the children? Perhaps he would want to kiss her again, Louisa thought with a flush. That might be confusing for the children if it were to suddenly happen in front of them.
No, Cedric was quite right. It was better if their first conversation should happen in the privacy of his study. They would be able to talk freely without worrying about what the children might think. She would be able to tell him how her consideration of him had changed, how she felt now and how she hoped they might -
The hopes were complicated, confused and jumbled together. Louisa felt as though her life's dreams had been swept from her with this marriage, only for her to manage everything she had ever wanted with her little silly list and more besides. To have love and beingseen, beingwantedin front of her made her feel giddy and a little drunk.
She knocked on the study door and pushed it open at the sound of Cedric's answer, stepping into the study and frowning to find all the drapes closed and the room in near darkness.
"Cedric?" she said softly, spotting him bent over his desk. "My dear, are you well?"
"Louisa?" he barely raised his head. "I am busy. Please go back to your day and leave me be. I have no time for talk."
His voice was stilted, awkward, as though he was trying to be distant but not sure how to make himself make the words. Louisa frowned deeper and crossed to the drapes, drawing them back to let sunlight into the room.
When she turned to look at her husband her heart leapt in her chest in concern. He was still in the clothes he had been wearingyesterday, unshaven with his hair disheveled and such a dark tired look on his face that she thought he might not have slept at all.
"Cedric!" she crossed to him immediately, heart pounding. "Cedric whatever is the matter? What has happened? Can I help you in some way? Is there trouble with the estate?"
He looked at her searchingly, eyes so dark and tired that she felt she might cry for him. She reached out for him and though he stared at her hand he did not evade her, in fact he allowed her to rest her palm on his cheek, even leaned into her touch slightly. His eyes closed a moment and there was a look of such naked relief and wanting on his face that Louisa felt a lance of painful longing go through her.
"My dear?" she said softly, scared and wanting to embrace him at the same time.
His eyes snapped open and he stood so fast he nearly pushed his chair over in his hurry, catching her hand and putting it from him with extreme gentleness and a fever in his eyes that she could not understand.
"I am deeply worried," he said, his voice hoarse. He stepped backwards, putting space between them that she immediately wanted to cross and held up a hand, clearing his throat. "I am worried. I have made a mistake, my lady. A terrible mistake."
Images rushed through her mind, unclaimed children perhaps, babies on the way, a ruined girl looking for justice, all thepossible immediate tragedies that might come now to harm them in their happiness. Her hand clutched to her chest, trying to stave away a flood of panic and alarm.
"Whatever it is we can fix it," she said, wishing that she was as certain as her voice. "What has happened?"
He pressed his lips together and turned, so that he was not looking at her and she could only see his profile, his strong jaw and his broad, generous mouth. "It is not something that can be fixed but it is something that can never happen again."
Louisa did not know why but she felt as though she were being crushed by a terrible weight. She took a breath but it felt like not enough for her lungs, like she was waiting for some great calamity to happen. "What happened?" she asked.
"I kissed you," he said, and the blow finally fell.
Cedric did not look at her, he could not. The expression on her face would undo him completely and then they would be starting over. What he needed to do was necessary, the only thing that he could do for the sake of his family and his marriage, but he did not have the strength to watch how she might take it.
