He shrugged, hating every second. “Then you are existing in a delusion, Amelia. I was clear from the beginning that this was a marriage of convenience. You claimed to understand that and swore you would abide by that.Youhave been trying to make it something more, when it is not.” He clenched his hands into fists as he forced out the next words, “I do not love you, Amelia.Thatis my feeling on the matter.”
She took a half step back, her face contorting into a mask of wounded bewilderment and something akin to disgust. Tears escaped her beautiful blue eyes, trickling unhindered down her flushed cheeks.
Every impulse within him screamed for him to get up and go to her, and tell her that he did not mean it, that he loved her with all of his weary heart. But he stayed where he was, unmoving, certain that it would all be worth it when she had no reason to mourn him in the future.
“I can see that this is not what you wanted to hear,” he continued, softening his voice a little. “It was unfair of me to ask you to keep this kind of deal. I should have known from the start that you would not be able to stick to your end of the bargain. What lady who revels in romantic literature could?”
Her expression hardened, surprising him. “You think that because I love to read, I am somehow prone to delusion? Do you really believe that someone who was raised the way that I was, hasanyroom in their mind for delusion? I am not some silly girl, Lionel. I have not let my imagination get the better of me, and Iwill nothave you tell me otherwise.”
The quiet fire that he had admired during their first meeting at his townhouse had swelled into a ferocious inferno. He had not thought that he would ever see her angry, but she was furious. Her eyes burned with rage, her body rigid, her hands curled into fists like she meant to fight him tooth and nail, her lip curled in a scowl.
Let that fire and fury warm you through any heartbreak, love.
“Then, I do not know what else to say to you,” he said coolly. “I am sorry that you have fallen in love with me. It is misplaced. And I hope that it is short-lived in your heart, with time and distance from me.”
Her eyes became smoldering embers as she glowered at him, hurt etched across every inch of her beautiful face. “Time and distance will not be enough,” she rasped, trembling from head to toe. “If these are your true feelings, and I am as mistaken as you claim, then… then I should like a divorce.”
Lionel blinked, that word—divorce—detonating like a canister in his chest. She could not have had a greater impact if she had taken his letter-opener from his desk and driven it into his heart. His entire body froze, time slowing around him, the crack in his heart widening.
No, love! That is… not what I want. I cannot keep you safe and protected if you ask that of me. I cannot take care of you from afar.She would lose all access to the financial security that she possessed as his wife, and would not have the company of his grandmother and sister anymore.
“There is no need for that,” he said sternly. “Living separately will suffice.”
“No, it will not,” Amelia replied sharply, tears running down her cheeks. “I did not deceive you when I claimed that I was content to be part of a marriage of convenience. I did not expect to fallin love with you. Now that I have, it would be unfair to myself to remain married to you. Unfair to us both, in truth.”
He shook his head. “I do not agree. I see no reason why you cannot continue to benefit from the title of Countess.”
He struggled to keep the urgency out of his voice, his heart thudding in something akin to panic as he noted how serious she seemed to be. Divorce was a death knell in society. She would not be able to recover from it, even if he were to declare in the papers that she was not at fault.
“Because it would not be right,” she shot back vehemently. “I am no leech, Lionel. If I am separated from you, then it should be a true severance.”
He grappled for some kind of persuasion tactic that might make her change her mind, but his own mind was a blank. There was the truth, of course, but if he told her that, he would be back where he started, unable to offer her everything she deserved. His fear would get the better of him, and he would distance himself again, upsetting her afresh.
“I apologize for not being the bride of convenience that I promised to be,” she went on, her voice evening out. “With that in mind, I must insist on you doing me this favor.”
His jaw clenched as he resisted the urge to go to her. “Be serious, Amelia. Do not be rash. Where would you go? You cannot very well return to your father’s house.”
A shudder ran down his spine at the very thought of her being back with those two awful men, who had treated her so badly. They would only treat her worse if she came back to them, divorced and disgraced and spurned by society. Worse still, she would have no means of escaping them, for it was not as if she would be able to show her face in society, and her friends would have to be careful about being seen with her.
Think clearly, Amelia. I beg of you.
“With respect, Lionel, there is no reason for you to act kindly now,” she said. “I am no longer your responsibility, so you do not need to pretend to care about my welfare.Ishall make arrangements. All you need to do is acquire the divorce, then we can act as if none of this ever happened. You can find your true bride of convenience, and I can return to the delusions of my books.”
She dipped into a low, somehow sarcastic curtsy, and turned on her heel. He watched her leave, rising halfway up off his chair as the impulse to stop her almost overwhelmed him, but the door slammed before he had a hope of catching up to her.
I am being cruel to be kind, love,he wished he could tell her.And, perhaps, one day you will understand and, maybe on that day, you will forgive me.
He sat back down and held his head in his hands, wondering how long he could delay a divorce.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Aknock came at the bedchamber door, startling Amelia so violently that she dropped the book that she had been packing into her valise. It landed with a thud on the floor, splaying open, spilling out the little bit of fabric that she had been using as a bookmark: a strip from the seam of the gown that Lionel had accidentally torn.
“Goodness, you gave me a fright,” she gasped, turning as Caroline entered the room.
The older woman eyed the valise. “I did not realize you were going away.”
“Yes, just a… brief visit to a friend,” Amelia replied, hating that she had to lie to someone who had become very dear to her.
