“I am.” She smiled sweetly, but it was not one of her genuine smiles. He had learned the beauty of those, and there was nothing beautiful about this one; it chilled him in truth.
He drained what was left in his teacup and set it down on the table. “Splendid. Then I shall let you know when the time comes.” He rose to his feet. “It has been a pleasure as always, Leah, and I hope you have a restful day. I shall collect you at eight o’clock on Friday.”
“Friday?” She frowned.
“For Lord Haughton’s ball.”
Her frown deepened. “We are still attending together?”
“Did you not say that this would end when I was finished with my plan?”
She rubbed her throat, squirming a little. “I did.”
“Excellent, then Friday it is.” He bowed his head and headed for the door. “Farewell, Leah. I shall take my greatcoat with me.”
She did not rise to see him to the door, remaining on the settee. But Nathaniel moved stealthily toward the exit anyway, not wanting to alert Ezra or Sarah to his departure. Indeed, he did not want anyone to see him at that moment, for they would undoubtedly see the pain in his chest reflected on his face.
To make matters worse, he could not understand why the thought of her once loving Jonathan still simmered in his blood or why he was hurt by her dismissal. Ithadbeen the plan, and getting revenge on Jonathanhadbeen part of it. They had written it all in the contract. It had been an exchange of services, nothing more—a business matter. Now, his hands itched to tear up the blasted piece of paper.
She has seen what I am,he realized, closing the door to the apartments behind him.She fears what I am. It is the only explanation.
He halted on the steps of the front porch, sucking in a deep breath of the crisp air that threatened heavy rain and whispered to the gloom, “How could she ever harbor any affection toward a brute like you?”
But the courtship was in his hands now, and it would be up to him to decide whether to sever it painlessly, as soon as possible, or drag it out just to hold onto the fantasy of being dear to her for a while longer. Either way, he had begun to realize that he would miss her.
Glancing back at the closed door, part of him already did.
CHAPTERTWENTY-FIVE
Leah stood out on the terrace of Lord Haughton’s fine manor, on the outskirts of London, letting the icy wind wash over her feverish face. The darkened world smelled like early snow, the thick clouds overhead promising the first flakes of the year. Usually, snow delighted Leah, but part of her did not want it to fall at all, for if it did, she knew there was one person she would want to run to and share the moment with. The one person she needed to keep her distance from.
“Darling?” Sarah stepped out onto the terrace.
Leah turned, smiling sadly. “I will not be a moment. I needed some fresh air.”
“You should not be out here alone,” her mother urged. “You will catch your death of cold.”
Leah shook her head. “Just a moment more, Mama. Please.” She breathed out a hollow sigh. “You can watch me from inside if you are worried about propriety.”
“I am not worried about propriety, darling,” her mother replied softly. “I am worried about you.”
“Do not be. It is just this lingering headache, that is all,” Leah lied, for there had never been a headache. Not unless the frustration of falling for a man who would never love her back could be counted as a headache.
Sarah frowned uncertainly. “Very well. I shall be just inside the ballroom, awaiting your return.” She paused. “Take as long as you need.”
“Thank you, Mama.”
Sarah headed back into the warmth, leaving Leah alone with her thoughts once more. It was quiet on the terrace where only a few other guests milled about. It was quieter still, considering she did not have her friends with her. They were arriving later while Leah had insisted on arriving earlier with her mother to avoid having to journey there with Nathaniel. She had sent him a note the previous day, receiving no reply.
What if it did not reach him? What if he has gone to Marylebone and found me already departed?She shook her head violently, trying to rid herself of him.So what if he does? That is not your fault. You gave ample notice.
For days, he had plagued her mind. For days, she had written letters that had been thrown in the fire, unsent and unfinished. For days, she had almost gone to him to confess that she was falling in love with him and did not know what to do. For days, she had regretted her words in the parlor—how could she have told him that she had loved Jonathan? What had been the purpose? She still did not know, especially as it had not been true. She hadthoughtshe loved him, but now that her heart brimmed and beat for Nathaniel, and Nathaniel alone, she understood that even what she had thought was love was not even close.
But why does it hurt?she wondered, thinking of Abigail and of the Countess of Grayling and of her own mother. Pooling all of their morsels of wisdom together, Leah knew it was not meant to hurt. Did that mean it was not love at all or anything like it? Was she just tricking herself again, as she had done with Jonathan? Her mind was a tangled mess, and she could not find any loose end to help her unravel it.
“It is freezing out here. You should be wearing a pelisse at the very least,” a voice said, jarring her out of her reverie. “Please, take my cloak.”
Leah whirled around, staring up at the unwelcome face of Jonathan. “No, thank you.”
