“Yes, well, I was merely trying to get my mother to understand,” he said. “But, I admit, I said things that were not… true. I said things that I did not mean to say, and if anything that came out of my mouth upset you, then I am sorry.”
She scoffed as she hopped from foot to foot in a most elegant fashion, her arms sweeping out in a graceful undulation. “I am not upset. I do wish everyone would stop telling me that I am. I was… surprised, that is all. I had thought I was clear about you behaving in a manner that might gain my approval, but you misbehaved again.”
“Speaking of misbehavior.” He hesitated, his heart thundering with nerves. “There is something I believe we should discuss. I realize it has been several days, but—”
“There is nothing for us to discuss,” she interrupted, dancing around him in a horseshoe, before coming back to press her palm to his. She gave the illusion of touching his hand to anyone who might be watching, but he could not feel her skin at all, just the crackle of electricity that sparked between the tiny gap.
“There is,” he insisted, pressing his palm to hers. “You have avoided me, you have been cold toward me, you have ignored me, and while I know I deserve it, I must be allowed to explain myself.”
“No,” she said bluntly. “I need no explanation, nor do we need to bicker about this or anything else, for that matter. There is no reason for us to quarrel anymore, so let us simply endure this dance and avoid talking altogether.”
“I do not want to quarrel, I just want you to hear me,” he insisted, mustering the courage to tell her why he had kissed her, and why he could not choose her, though he dearly wanted to.
It would be a difficult conversation, no doubt, but one that needed to be had. He could not sit with his confusing feelings any longer—the dance had jostled them out of him.
“No,” she repeated, leveling a stern gaze at him. “None of it matters anymore, because you have gained my approval now. I consent to the courtship with Joanna. I consent to her marrying you if that is what you decide on. I consent to it all. And though you will, of course, require my father’s permission, he will agree with whatever I say. So, consider this confirmation of you and my sister getting what you have wanted. I will not stand in the way anymore.”
Daniel stared at Phoebe, more bewildered than ever before. He should have been ecstatic that one of his plans had worked out as intended, but instead, he felt hollow. Indeed, in gaining her permission, he suddenly realized that it wasnotwhat he wanted. Not at all. He did not want her to surrender, he did not want her to let him marry her sister, he did not want to marry Joanna at all.
He wanted her to give him some hint that his feelings were returned so that he could fight for her instead.
“What about everything you said about me being unworthy?” he prodded, wanting her to quarrel with him again, wanting to see some of that passion that his mother had spoken about. Perhaps the hints had been there all along, and he had missed them.
I would say that her kissing you back was a rather large hint,his mind whispered, making his disappointment ten times worse.
If he had spoken up on the bough of the cedar tree, would things be different? Would he be asking to court her instead of her sister?
“There is no point in this,” Phoebe replied flatly. “I have given my permission, and that is all that needs to be said. But you will be kind to her, and you will treat her well, or you shall regret it. I will not intervene—indeed, I never plan to intervene again—but I will not hesitate to involve your mother.”
Daniel’s heart began to ache, his chest tightening with a sensation akin to panic, as though he could feel her slipping away from him and could do nothing to grasp her back.Hehad been too stubborn, refusing to see what was right in front of him until it was too late. Evan had warned him, urging him to live boldly, choosing the possibility of love instead of what was easier. By ignoring that, Daniel feared he had just lost something very precious, indeed.
I am falling in love with you,he longed to say as the orchestra began to slow, bringing the dance to a close.I am falling in love with you, and it terrifies me, for I have no right to fall in love when I cannot promise forever.
The music ceased, and, without a word, Phoebe dipped into a hurried curtsey and left him alone on the dance floor, everything he still wanted to tell her left unsaid. And though he had thought that his mind was made up, he did not like the decision that she had made for him.
CHAPTERTWENTY-TWO
Phoebe swallowed her pain as she stood on the darkened terrace alone, gazing at the branches of the cedar tree that sprouted heavenward from the gardens ahead. She would not cry, not now. She had decided to be strong, supporting Joanna through what was to come, and she could not allow any weakness to crack her façade. If even the smallest splinter appeared, the whole thing would shatter, she was certain of that.
That is the hardest thing you will ever have to do, and it is done. You are past the worst of it.
She did not want to imagine the wedding or anything beyond that, for she suspectedthatmight be the hardest thing she ever had to do, watching her younger sister marry the man that her heart desired. But that was for her future self to endure.
“Are you well?” Anna’s voice made Phoebe gasp.
She turned, forcing a smile. “Just warm. I needed a breath of fresh air.”
“Goodness, does it not feel like we have done this before?”
“It does, because we have,” Phoebe conceded, laughing sadly. “There must be some affliction in my lungs, for I apparently cannot get enough fresh air.”
Anna came to stand at her side. “You have fallen for him, have you not?”
“Who?”
Anna cast her a pointed glance.
Phoebe lowered her chin to her chest. “He is not for me. Even he thinks we would be a terrible match, and though it hurts to hear, I happen to agree with him. I want peace and quiet, not turbulence.”
