Edward had no answer to his brother’s questions. If he was honest with himself, he had to admit that Colin was quite right to ask him these things. Hehadasked his brother to come to Bath so that he would have someone to speak to about his feelings for Lydia. He’d wanted to talk to Colin about it. But now that they were here, it wasn’t so easy. It was challenging to start that conversation. Not only did he find it hard to make himself vulnerable, but he also had no idea where to begin.
Now, he was heartily wishing he had just allowed Colin to sit in silence—that he hadn’t instigated this discussion at all. But it was too late to take back what he had said, and Colin was staring at him expectantly, waiting for an explanation.
“You’re right,” Edward admitted. “I did want to talk about Lydia. About my feelings for her.”
“Then what on earth is stopping you? We’re here. The opportunity is perfect—you’re really not going to get a better chance than this to open up about the things you’re feeling. You might as well be honest.”
“I’m not trying to be dishonest,” Edward explained. “It’s just that I don’tknowwhat I’m feeling. I’ve never experienced anything like this before, Colin. Father always said—”
“I know what Father said,” Colin interjected. “He always said those things in front of me, you know, even if he never said themtome.”
Edward was surprised by the bitterness in his brother’s tone. “Why do you sound angry?” he asked. “You surely aren’t wishing that Father had raised you the way he did me—to think of love as nothing but a weakness? I know how happy you are with Nancy. You don’t wish you’d been unable to find that happiness.”
“No,” Colin agreed. “I don’t wish that. But you can’t imagine what it was like, Edward. Growing up, knowing that my future didn’t matter to our father. He drilled it into you that to love was to be weak, but it was his way of telling you that, at the very least, itmatteredwhat you did. He didn’t care whether I was weak or not. In the end, he was wrong about it all. Love has given me strength and joy, and you’re the one who’s been robbed of happiness by the things he tried to teach you. But at the same time, I do wish he had wanted the things for me that he wanted for you.”
Edward nodded slowly. His brother’s words made sense. “You know that I want those things for you,” he said. “Whatever Father may or may not have wanted, I want to see you happy. I want to know that you’re living the life you want.”
“I know that,” Colin replied. “That’s how I know you’re not the same man our father was. You care about other people. You care about me—you always have—even though I’m not your firstborn heir. Father never had any attention to spare for me because I wasn’t going to take over the dukedom, but you, you’ve always loved me as your brother and never cared what potential I had or didn’t have.”
“That’s true,” Edward agreed. “Though I do think Father loved you just as much, in his way.”
“Father loved people more for what they could do for him than for who they were. He was the same way with Margaret.”
“Oh, Colin. That’s hardly fair.”
“And I’m sure he was the same way with Mother.”
Edward felt tense. “I don’t want to talk about Mother.”
Colin nodded sympathetically. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I know that’s difficult for you.”
Edward said nothing. It was difficult, knowing that his brother had so few memories of their mother. He knew that was what had made it easier for Colin to embrace Margaret than it had ever been for him. Their father had intended that Margaret should be a replacement for their mother, and Edward had never felt able to welcome that into his life. He didn’t want his mother to be replaced. It didn’t help matters that Margaret had been arrogant about it and had always acted as if she belonged when Edward felt strongly that she didn’t. But even if she had been the most respectful lady in all the world, Edward wouldn’t have wanted her there.
For Colin, it was different. Colin was ready to open himself up to someone new in the role of mother.
But perhaps this was just another example of the ways in which Edward had closed himself off to love. Maybe this was an instance of Colin being able to allow himself something that Edward thought of as a weakness.
Maybe I should have tried harder with Margaret.
Maybe I can try harder with Lydia. It’s not too late.
“I’ll tell you what I think if you don’t know what to think yourself,” Colin suggested.
“Please,” Edward said. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t need you to do that for me.”
“But you do, because you’ve never been able to process your feelings,” Colin explained. “You’ve never known what’s going on in your own heart, Edward. You’ve been head over heels in love with this lady for weeks now, and you don’t even know it.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“You’re sitting here in Bath, and you’re not even able to carry on a conversation because she’s all you can think about,” Colin said. “Am I wrong?”
Edward couldn’t say anything in his own defense. Colin wasn’t wrong.
“If you weren’t in love with her, you would have stopped thinking about her when you were far away from her,” Colin continued. “Out of sight, out of mind. But you haven’t. You might think I don’t see it because you haven’t said anything about it, but you’re my brother, Edward, and I can see how preoccupied you are. I can tell that you’re incapable of turning your mind away from Lydia.”
“I suppose I am.” Edward sighed. “And you think that means I’m in love with her?”
“I’ve been in love myself, you know,” Colin reminded him. “I know what it’s like. It’s obvious to me that you’re in love. And I care for you too much to allow you to simply let it slip away. You have to reach out and take hold of it, Edward, because it’s what you want for yourself. She is what you want. Don’t let yourself miss out on love because of the things you learned from Father. Don’t tell yourself that love will make you weak because it isn’t the truth. You need to reach out and take hold of what’s in front of you. It’s what you deserve.”
