“I saw that they made you happy. There was no reason to send them back, knowing that. They weren’t making meunhappy.”
“Nevertheless, thank you,” she insisted. “It really does mean a lot to me. I worried you might think I had only gotten them to provoke you, but that’s not the case.”
“I don’t think that.”
“Well, yes, I defied my parents mostly by spending time out of the house,” Lydia explained. “And, as I got older, I made sure they were aware of my feelings about marriage.”
“They didn’t like those feelings, I take it?”
“It’s as I told you—they wanted me to marry for wealth and status. But I always wanted to marry for love,” Lydia said. “When the match with Lord Worley was arranged, I told them I didn’t care for it. When he ended things between us, I made no secret of the fact that that didn’t matter to me. That angered them. They felt I would have kept his attention on me, where it was supposed to be, if I had shown proper interest. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t pretend to be interested in a man who never loved me and never could.”
Edward didn’t answer. But he had to admit that it felt, at the moment, as if she was talking about him.
A man who didn’t love me and never could…
But did that description truly fit him? He was no longer sure. He felt as if hecouldlove her if he tried.
I wouldn’t even have to try. It would be as easy as relaxing and allowing it to happen, but I can’t do that. I can’t allow myself to weaken. It’s a terrible idea.
To keep his mind off of that, he questioned her further.
“So, you told them you wanted to marry for love,” he said. “They weren’t willing to indulge that?”
“I don’t think it would have bothered them especially if I’d loved my husband, of course,” Lydia observed. “But they were unwilling to wait for that to happen. Having it done quickly was more important than getting what I wanted out of it. They got angry when I resisted the pressure to marry. They didn’t like that. In their eyes, the most important thing was that I marry right away, and any waiting around I did—for love or any other reason—was misguided and a form of self-sabotage. Not that they truly cared about me sabotaging myself. They didn’t want me to sabotage their ambitions. But it was what I dreamed of—I wanted the chance to find the future I wanted for myself.”
“I’m sorry you weren’t able to find it,” he said quietly, regretting the situation he had put her in.
He had been so eager for marriage—to put the whole matter of his not having a wife to rest—that he hadn’t stopped to think about the impact he was having on her. If he had thought about it—if he had known all this—would he have decided differently?
Perhaps I would have. Perhaps I would have waited to marry someone who actually wanted to be married to me, who could be content with what I’m able to offer.
But he couldn’t wish away his marriage to her. Even knowing what he did—perhapsespeciallyknowing what he did—it was too difficult to convince himself that their marriage was anything but for the best. He was happy to be married to Lydia, and for his own part, he wouldn’t have changed it. Not for anything.
“It’s all right,” she said. “I’ll find my happiness in other ways.”
“But it won’t be what you always dreamed of.”
“Not exactly. But it will be something. You mentioned that you might take me traveling with you. One thing I imagined for myself was a honeymoon in an exciting destination. I know that if we travel together, it won’t be romantic. There won’t be moonlit strolls along rivers in Bath. But at least I might get the chance toseeBath, and that’s still something.”
“You’ll get to see Bath,” he promised her. “I’m going in a few weeks. I’ll bring you along.”
“Will you really?”
“And I see no reason why the two of us couldn’t go for a stroll beside a river one evening while we’re there,” he added, knowing even as the words left his mouth what danger he was exposing himself to.
She lit up and flung her arms around him.
And her embrace was so welcome and warm that, even though Edward knew better, knew that this was the last thing he should be doing, he couldn’t bring himself to let go.
CHAPTERTWENTY-TWO
“So, these are your stallions, aren’t they?” Edward strode up and down in front of the stables, inspecting the horses.
“Our stallions,” Lydia said, doing her best to keep her nerve. “I bought them for both of us, Edward.”
He raised his eyebrows. “And what do I want with three stallions?”
“You’re teasing me,” she said.
