“I’m sure they will be. That doesn’t mean we’re going to be found. No one ever comes back here. Now, tell me what’s troubling you.”
She sighed. “I’m so frightened you’ll be angry with me.”
“Angry with you? Why on Earth would I be angry? We’ve just gotten married, Madeleine. I’m delighted with things right now. Aren’t you?”
“I was,” she whispered.
“Did something happen? Did somebody say something to upset you?”
“No, no one said anything…”
“What is it, then? Please tell me.”
She closed her eyes. “Thomas…I’m not sure I will be the wife you’re hoping for.”
“I don’t understand what you mean.”
“The reason I got upset was…well, I was speaking to my lady’s maid last night, and she reminded me that you will want an heir.”
Thomas was startled. He hadn’t expected anything like that. “An heir?”
“Of course that’s something you would want,” she said. “I know enough to know that. And I don’t want to keep you from having the things you want in life, Thomas, but you must know…I’m not prepared for it. I’m not ready to have a child. I mightneverbe ready for that.” She looked up at him. “I’m so sorry. You must feel as if everything people have said to you about me is true. You must be thinking that I married you under false pretenses…”
“Will you stop that?” Thomas asked. “Of course that isn’t what I think, Madeleine. Please don’t get so upset. Tell me why you’re thinking about this right now, of all things.”
“It’s just that I was having such a nice time,” she said. “I was dancing with you and realized how close I felt to you and how comfortable I was.”
“But shouldn’t that be a good thing?”
“Don’t you understand? I never wanted that to happen!” she cried. “I only agreed to this marriage because I thought I could maintain a distance between the two of us.”
“That’s what you want? A distance?”
“I know you don’t believe I’m cursed, Thomas, but what if you’re wrong? What if I am?”
He shook his head. “Curses are something the weak-minded have invented,” he said. “It’s a way of telling themselves that no tragedies can befall them. That bad things only happen to people who do something to deserve it. You did nothing to deserve what happened to you, and theyknowthat—anybody can see that it wasn’t your fault—so they tell themselves you’re under a curse. It’s a way for them to separate themselves from you. Bad things happen to cursed people, they think. Bad things can’t happen to just anyone.”
She regarded him quietly.
“But I know different,” he said. “Bad things have happened in my life, to me and my mother and my sister. And it’s not because we’re cursed. It’s just because sometimes bad things happen to people, whether they deserve those things or not.”
“I’d like to believe that,” she said.
“You can.”
“Perhaps I could if it was just me. Perhaps you’re willing to take that chance. But would you really want to take that chance with yourchild? Wouldn’t you be afraid every day of your life if we had a child, knowing that there was even a possibility that I bear a curse that might harm that child? I wouldn’t be able to breathe.”
“You aren’t cursed,” he said. “That doesn’t frighten me at all. I do worry that it would be difficult to have a child, of course. But that’s not something I worry about.”
“I can’t believe that.”
“I’m your husband now, remember? We can talk about these things. I don’t want you to be afraid to tell me the truth about how you feel. You should be able to be honest with me. You should feel safe enough to do that.”
She sighed. “It’s not that I feel unsafe,” she said. “I just hate to be a disappointment to you.”
“And would you believe me if I told you that you weren’t a disappointment?”
“How could I not be? Not wanting to have a child…of course that isn’t what you want.” She looked down at her hands. “I know I might not have a choice in the matter.”
