In addition to the photos, I find other keepsakes for our shared moments. There are movie and concert tickets, notes, cards, and letters. Our precious family memories have been here all this time, together in a drawer that I never thought to open. I was sure all these things were long gone. I’m about to dive into the family history that I never expected to learn.
There are pictures of my parents, in which they look happy and in love. Their wedding photo is here too. In another photograph, they’re holding me at the hospital. My Papa Roy smiles in one shot next to Grandma Lou. I didn’t know I needed to see all these memories—my family’s history.
Next, I trace my finger over Grandma Lou and Papa Roy’s wedding photo. They look young and so in love. The look in his eyes melts my heart. It fills my insides with longing and love. I wish I could have met him. Grandma Lou always talked kindly about him. Even if she was complaining about him leaving dirty socks around the house, she said it in a way that made you understand how deep her love for him was. She used to tell me that I should never settle because there must be someone out there for me who will be like Papa Roy was to her.
There’s another robin blue box with damaged edges. Grandma Lou must have bought these in bulk. Opening the box, I see four rings. I recognize the rings as my grandparents’ and parents’ wedding bands. Did Helen put them there after Grandma Lou passed away? She never took her ring off except when baking.
Thinking about everything makes me emotional and I look for a tissue to dry my eyes. That’s when I spot two envelopes together—both addressed to me. I decide to open the one that is in Grandma Lou’s writing. And what I read changes everything.
Getting up too quickly in my shock, I feel dizzy. As I walk into the kitchen to get a glass of water, my head feels like I’m underwater. My last memory is calling out for Helen before I fall and hit the back of my head to the wooden floor. The only sound I hear is those rings clanking on the floor.
Then everything just fades away.
20
GRANDMA LOU'S LETTER
TWO AND A HALF MONTHS AFTER THE FIRE
My sunshine, my dear baby girl, my everything.
If you're reading this, it means I'm gone. However, being reunited with my forever love is something I've been waiting for years. It has been lonely without Papa Roy around.
First thing’s first, I'm sorry that I never gave you Eli's letter. I thought your feelings would pass. I'm afraid I only made things worse. Lover boy asked for you close to a million times those first weeks. He did care about you so much. I told him you'd contact him when you're ready. I guess I thought I could give you time that way. But I was wrong.
It was never my intention to hurt you as badly as I did. I'm so sorry, my sweet little angel. I only did everything out of my love for you. Nothing else. Pure, yet selfish love. As a result, I ended up losing you. You ran away and never looked back. I wanted to keep you near, but instead, I caged you in, and you freed yourself.
In my head, you were too young to experience love and the hurt it can cause. You might huff and think, well, she's the best person to talk about it as she married Papa Roy when she was sixteen. But that's precisely why I can speak about the topic. To have experienced and lost love young, I know what I'm saying. I also saw what it did to your parents.
When your father met your brave yet stubborn mother on the first day of high school, it was what they call love at first sight. It was like lightning hit them that day and made them instant lovers. When I saw how you acted around your lover boy, I knew it would happen again. History seems to repeat itself in our family. The same happened to me and Papa Roy too. I didn't want you to follow in our and your parents' footsteps.
Talking about your mother, I still sometimes speak with Rose. She loves the fact that you use your middle name now. It connects you two directly. Remember that she carries her regrets with a heavy heart. She still deserves to be happy like any one of us. Please don't waste the rest of your life being mad at her. She's still your mother no matter what. Just like I’m always your Grandma Lou.
Now that I got to say all that, I should finally tell you what happened earlier this year.
The truth is that I accidentally killed our neighbors.
You know how I love to have a menthol cigarette now and then, and one day I was smoking in the woods when I heard shouting coming from the Browns' house. I got closer and realized it was only Michael and Dorothy. I decided to leave it because those two could do whatever they wished alone.
Before I turned around, I tossed my half-smoked cigarette without even thinking about it too much. Andthat'swhat started the fire as it was a record hot May, and their yard was drier than usual.
I wonder how the police didn't connect the dots. But even if they did, they couldn't have known that it was me. Still, I must live the rest of my days knowing that I killed someone. Let me correct that. I have killedtwopeople.
I'm a killer.
Imagine that.
Your cookie baking Grandma Lou is guilty of one of the most heinous crimes.
Now, the hardest part. The thing is, I'll never forgive myself. That's something I'll live with for the rest of my life. I'm sorry I never turned myself in as I should have from the beginning. There were many times when I stopped in front of the police station, ready to walk in and confess. But we can all agree that I would have looked awful in orange. It doesn't go well with my skin tone.
Joking aside, I wanted to protect you and keep you safe from the shitshow that would have followed. But again, I only caused you more pain. You'll wear both physical and emotional scars because of me for the rest of your life. And there isn’t anything I can do to remove all that pain and suffering. Some of it will always be a part of you.
So, if (and when) you make mistakes in your life, please fix them. There's nothing worse than feeling guilty for the things you have done and haven't corrected. Everyone messes up sometimes. And you know what, my dear girl; it's okay. You're still human, just like me. Just don't go and kill someone.
And remember, I love you more than all the stars in the sky.
That was your favorite saying growing up.
