I lie on Luca’s chest, feeling his breathing calm down. I look in his direction and noticing that he has fallen asleep, one hand on my waist and the other holding a gun. I stare at the ceiling, realizing that I won’t be able to fall asleep any time soon. I slowly get out of bed with light, silent movements, making sure not to wake Luca up. I walk toward the window, pull back the curtain a little, and see the considerable increase in security guards with heavy weapons. I look at the snipers near the gate and know that a few more must be on the balcony on the top floor. I hug my body, looking at the giant walls of my house, walls that have been pierced by enemies; I think about the children, the ones Iwant to have, andhow many times they will have to be locked in the safe room. The security guards move around the garden, looking completely alert. I hear the rustle of the covers and light footsteps coming toward me. Luca encircles my waist with his arms, pulling me against him and resting his head on my shoulder.
“You’re safe, Chiara!” I look at him, and he looks worried as he examines my face. I turn my gaze outwards, leaning my head on his shoulder and watching the moon through the window.
“I know…” the words die in my mouth; I feel my husband staring at me, waiting for me to continue talking.
“But?
“What about the children? Our children when we have them…”
“They will be the safest children in Italy, in Europe, perhaps in the world. I won’t let anything happen to you or them, Chiara; I’ll protect them with my life, no one will come near them, no one will hurt them, I won’t let them!” I roll my body in his arms, look into those beautiful blue eyes, and bring my hands to his face, caressing it. “Do you want children? I’m not talking about dutyor beingan heir to the Camorra. Would you want to be a father if you didn’t need an heir?”
“I’d give you the world if you asked me, Chiara; everything you want will be yours!” He looks at me, confused.
“I’m not asking if you’d give me children because I want them; I’m asking if you want them, Luca.”
I see Adam’s apple rise and fall rapidly. I look at his face and see that he is looking at me with love and affection reflected in his eyes. “I always knew that I needed an heir, that I would have to have at least one child; I never minded; it was something necessary.” His hand goes to my face, and he tucks a few strands of hair behind my ear. “But after you, after falling in love with you, I can imagine myself as a father, not as someone who istraining a future Capo; I want to have children with you, a mini person who looks like you.”
I hug him, listening to his slow heartbeat, making me feel lighter little by little. “I wish I had mini Lucas running around the house!” I confess with a muffled voice, still with my cheek against his chest; a nasal laugh is heard, and I feel myself smile.
“Believe me, mini Lucas is not something you should wish for; I was pretty wild; he would drive you crazy.” I raise my head and look in his direction, sharing his amused look.
“What fun would it be if our children didn’t screw up here and there? It’s their job to make us crazy.”
“Let’s see if that thought remains still in a few year’s time.
I let out a laugh and felt Luca lift me into the air and carry me to our bed. He pulls me toward him and hugs me, snuggling me into his body and leaving a kiss on my head. I move closer to his body, feeling his arms around me, letting sleep take meto a time when I’m running around the garden with Luca behind our children, laughing and playing, happy andsafe.
Chapter 19
3 Years Later…
I wake up with the sun beating down on my face. I stretch out a little in bed in search of Luca, but he’s not there. I hear the sound of the shower and relax, running my hand over my swollen, four-month-pregnant belly. I can’t help but smile at the thought of my twins.
I stretch out a little more, feeling a slight twinge in the pit of my stomach. I try to ignore the sensation, but it happens again, this time strongly. I try to sit up in bed, but a strong pain stops me. I try again without realizing what is happening to my body. A strong twinge makes me bend over and let out a groan of pain. I feel something warm go down my legs, and all I can think is that it’s too soon for them to come into the world. The pain gets worse and worse. I feel my hands shaking as I lift the blankets over me. My world stops, and thick tears stream down my face. I look down at my pink nightdress stained with blood, as well as the white linen. The pain seems to increase by the second, and I can’t stop crying and shaking; I can’t lose them.
“Luca…” My voice comes out shaky but still loud; he doesn’t seem to hear; despair takes over me, my babies; I can’t lose them; a wave of strength passes through my body, overcoming the panic and pain I feel. “Luca!” I scream in despair, noticeably crying.
I look at the bed; the blood stain is getting bigger and bigger, as is my fear. I can’t lose them; I won’t be able to stand it if I lose them. “Chiara?” Luca is standing outside the bathroom, wearing only a towel. He looks at me worriedly and confusedly, withoutreally understanding what’s going on.
“Our babies. I…” I raise my bloodied hand, making him alert; he runs toward me, looking perplexed at the blood staining our bed; my cry becomes loud and painful. I look at my hands and bloody body, and I feel like a failure—a failure of a woman.
Luca lifts me onto his lap. I look in his direction to see that he is dressed. Francesco is at the door of our room, looking at me with pity. He runs to get a blanket, covering me with it, and follows us to the garage. I’m put in the car, and I let out a moan of pain, which makes Luca freeze and look at me, perhaps without really knowing what to do. I feel him hugging my body and kissing my hair while Francesco drives us to the Camorra Hospital.
“I can’t lose them. I won’t be able to handle it, Luca…”
My husband squeezes me in his arms, and I see water collecting in his eyes. I’ve never seen him like this; I’ve never seen him show any kind of weakness. I squeeze his hand, feeling the pain take over my body, and I look at the blood staining me. “You won’t lose them; they’re strong; they’re our children, after all, andthey won’t give up without a fight!”
For the first time, I don’t feel certainty in Luca’s voice, and I see impotence in his gaze; there’s nothing he can do, and I know it’s killing him. I see his gaze on the blood, looking lost. Over the years, after our wedding, the image of blood stopped being something that bothered me—no vomiting, no anxiety, nothing. Spilt blood became something commonplace in my life; it no longer had any power over my anxious mind. Until today, until the blood ran down my legs, until the moment I felt the fear and pain take over until I realized that my two little angels might no longer be with me.
I’m carried by Luca through the hospital; he shouts for the doctors to hurry up, and I’m quickly put on a stretcher. I grab my husband’s hand, not letting him move away. “Don’t leave mealone,” I say, pleading and crying.
“Never.” Luca never lets go of my hand, not while I’m being carried down the corridors, not when I’m transferred to another bed, not when the doctor starts to pass the ultrasound equipment across my belly; he holds me andsupports me.
My body won’t stop shaking, and I’m afraid to look at the screen. I look at my husband, who seems unfazed, offering me the strength I need. He looks at the screen, following the doctor’s every move, not letting anything escape him.
“My babies, they…” The words die in my mouth, and I feel Luca’s gaze on me.
“They’re alive, they’re fine.” A loud cry comes over me, a mixture of crying and smiling; Luca squeezes my hand and gives me a small smile, looking relieved. There was a slight displacement of the placenta, which caused the bleeding and the pain, but the babies are fine; nothing happened to them.
