His words seem full of certainty, and I wonder what he means by that. “What do you care if he’s my prince or not? Maybe I just need someone good in my life. Maybe it’s not him, but maybe it is…” Luca doesn’t say a word. I take a deep breath and try to gather the courage to speak. “I realized today that I never really knew your opinion about this marriage.” My voice is low, and my eyes are glued to my hands. “Your father was the one who proposed it; I had the right to think about whether it was something I wanted. I wonder if my decision disrupted your life in any way,if you were in love with someone, and I ruined everything. If for that you can’t stand me or you just don’t like me. I wonder if I might be the reason for your unhappiness or heartbreak.”
I don’t raise my eyes in his direction, afraid of what he has to say, whether his words will hurt more if I look at him, orwhether my heart will end up broken after this conversation.
“If I was really against marriage, do you really think anyone would force me to do it? This was my decision, too, Chiara; you never disrupted my life; at best, I disrupted yours. I knew what was going to be proposed that day; you were caught off guard, not me. Besides, I wouldn’t get married for any reason other than the Camorra. And don’t say that I can’t stand youwhen you don’t know if that’s true; if I couldn’t stand you, you wouldn’t be considered my future wife; you were chosen because you have all the necessary qualities to take on the Camorra alongside me.”
My idiotic heart beats faster, knowing that he doesn’t despise me, but my lucid mind says that this isn’t enough for a marriage, not anymore. My heart wouldn’t survive intact ina marriage that would be one-sided. Maybe my mind has always been right that I didn’t need love because I didn’t know it. Now that I feel his eyes on me and his presence around me. I want, I need his love. Not because I’m longing or desperate for love. But because it’s him.
“It doesn’t matter if you like my presence or not; none of that matters anymore. It’s over! Maybe you should find someone to be by your side, someone strong and resilient.” The words come out of my mouth, making my heart squeeze at the possibility of being replaced in Luca’s life. “I probably need someone good, someone who will make me a better person.”
Luca pulls my face toward him, making me look into his eyes; his touch makes me melt, and his eyes on me leave me paralyzed. “You don’t need anyone to make you better; you’re enough; you’re a fucking queen, only you don’t see that.” My eyes open wide in astonishment at his words, and I wonder if he really thinks that or if he’s saying itfor the sake of saying it. “You probably tell yourself that I’m bad, and even though you’re my fiancé and insist that you don’t need love in your life, you’re still looking for a Prince Charming. But let me tell you something about princes, that good guy you think you want that would improve your life and make everything easier and happier; he would sacrifice you for the greater good, he would risk your love for what he thinks is right and best for the world. Not me, Chiara, I’m not like him; I’m not good; I wouldn’t risk your life or your well-being for anything; I’d make the world burn for you, and I’ll kill everyone if that’s what you want!”
Tears threaten to come out at his confession. Luca is still holding my face, and his eyes fiercely stare into mine; there is no doubt in his voice or in his stare. I know I can believe him right now. I know that he would kill if I asked him to, that he would do it without hesitation.
“You don’t like me. You wouldn’t be able to love me! Before, I thought I could live with that. Now I’m not so sure.”
His eyes never leave mine, and I feel hypnotized by those icy blue eyes. “I’m not going to swear eternal love to you, and you know it. But one thing I can swear to you: I will do everything in my power to make you happy in the cruel world we live in. Ilike you, Chiara. Maybe not the way you want me to, but inside my distorted being, there is something that really appreciates not only your company but you completely. That’s the best I can offer anyone, the best a man like me can offer.”
“Luca, I…” I can’t finish my train of thought. Luca slowly approaches me, with his eyes still glued to mine. I feel his eyes drift to my lips, and butterflies spread throughout my stomach. He looks at me as if asking for permission, and I close my eyes and let him do whatever he wants with me, trusting completely in a man I don’t know is worthy. I feel his lips touch mine, warm and surprisingly soft, My skin crawl and my heart beat faster. He calmly sucks on my lower lip, strokes my lip with his tongue, and then asks for passage; I give it without really knowing what to do. His hands rest on my waist and pull me toward him, making me touch his hard worked-out abdomen. I take my hand to the back of his neck and stroke his hair, feeling his tongue explore my mouth calmly, feeling your soft touch on me, your soft lips on mine; all I want is this, every day for the rest of my life. His touch, his kiss, his affection, his love, everything really. The air is needed, and Luca leaves a soft kiss on my lips; I feel my cheeks burning, and I pull away slightly, causing Luca to tighten his grip on my waist a little more, not letting me go anywhere. Another kiss is left on my lips, and my eyes meet his. His big, strong, calloused hand runs over the soft skin of my face, and his eyes examine me.
“You’re so beautiful, a real queen! We can make it happen, Chiara, in our own way, but it can work. I can’t promise you a great love story, but I’ll do my best to be enough for you!”
“Even without love?” My voice comes out low and hoarse, and his eyes travel over my lips.
“Love is not a guaranteed thing in our world. Maybe liking someone can be enough.”
“When you find something good in the midst of chaos, youhave to grab it with all your strength!” The words come out of my mouth without realizing it. My grandfather used to say them all the time when he talked about my grandmother.
“Maybe we’ve found something to hold on to!”
“Where is the cold killer I met?”
My words seem to change his face, but despite what I think, he doesn’t push me away. I can feel his breath mixing with mine, and I’d like to kiss him. “Many men in our world don’t make a barrier between violence at work and at home; I’m not one of them. I know who to kill and who to protect; I would never treat you badly; I know the power I hold. I don’t need to hurt my fiancée to prove it.”
“I’m not your fiancée anymore…” The words drag on my lips, and nothing has ever seemed so wrong.
“This time, I’m going to do it the right way.” I look at him, confused, and see his hand pull something out of his blazer pocket. “Will you marry me, Chiara?”
My breath gets stuck, and my heart feels like it wants to burst out of my ribcage; Luca looks at me, waiting for an answer, and I feel my foolish heart falling more in love with him every second. A white gold ring with a large oval diamond is laid out in front of me. It has a “halo” around the main diamond, with lots of small diamonds forming three loops, growing in size with each loop. It isa really beautiful piece.
“Luca, but if…”
“No, “buts,” or “ifs,” Chiara. Let’s just live and leave the worries for the future. You don’t have to accept it; you know that. If that’s not what you want, tell me, and I’ll never insist again…”
He won’t insist anymore; he’ll leave me behind, turning me into a memory. One day, he may not remember me, or he may simply think I’m the one who got away. Looking at him now, feeling my heart beat so hard, I know I can’t let him be the one who got away.
“Yes, yes, I’ll marry you!” the words jump out without me thinking about the consequences of my actions. But his eyes are still on me, and he’s close, so close that his breath hits my face. All I can see and think about is Luca. I feel trapped; his eyes don’t leave mine, and his hand is on my waist, and I don’t care. I like him close.
“Are you sure?” he asks, his eyes resting on my lips.
“I thought you said no “buts” or “if”…”
Luca doesn’t answer me,and before I have time to think, his lips are glued to mine. I feel a small smile appear on my lips, and Luca takes the opportunity to explore my mouth with his tongue for the first time in my life; I feel wanted.
I look into his eyes, and I know I’m lost, completely in love with a man who will always put the mafia first; I feel like I’m falling into an abyss with no way back. I fell in love with this manwithout really knowing him, and now, with him here so close to me, when he seems to be fighting for me, I know I’ve lost the war, that even if I tried, I won’t be able to get him out of my life.
“A million euros for your thoughts!” I look at Luca, who is still so close to me, closer than he’s ever been.
“They’re not that valuable!” a hoarse laugh comes from deep in his throat; Luca takes a step away from me and analyzes my face.
