“Why not?” Henry seems genuinely curious, which makes me give a little smile of satisfaction at his interest in me; in a twisted way, his interest makes me feel good about myself.
“My mother is an entrepreneur, CEO of a chain of hotels and stores, inherited from my grandfather. My fatheris theCEO of several companies, but the main one is weapons. I don’t think I’d do well in any of those companies.”
“Weapons?”
I let out a laugh at his astonishment and wonder if he isn’t judging the family business. “Yes, all kinds of weapons, including battle tanks.”
“You are one of the families profiting from the wars.”
As soon as the words come out of his mouth, I feel my blood boil. “You could say that, yes, we are the kind of family that supplies weapons to the government so that it can protect its people, that makes the weapons for the policemen who walk the streets! We can profit from wars, but don’t be fooled, Henry; we don’t start them, and we don’t force anyone to pull the trigger!”
“I didn’t mean it like that… I…”
“No problem. Many people are judgmental about it, but they forget that when they need to defend themselves, weapons are often necessary.”
“Can you shoot?”
I face him without really being able to read his feelings about the question; I shrug and decide not to lie. I’m not going tochange who I am for anyone; I don’t owe them that. “Yes, my grandfather taught me!”
“That’s wow… I mean, looking at you, I wouldn’t say you know how to use a gun.”
“Appearances can be deceiving.”
“I think so. I’ve never been in favor of guns, you know, because of the crimes committed with them.”
“That thought is a bit contradictory; after all, if we don’t make weapons, how do you think the police or the army will defend themselves? Besides, guns have always existedin different forms and levels of lethality, but they have always been present in our history; you can’t just want them to end; it’s impossible. So if you can’t eradicate them, the best thing to do is to keep making them and give people the opportunity to defend themselves.”
“Who are your clients?”
I look at Henry with my eyebrow arched, and I want to laugh. “I’m not going to give you that information; it’s confidential.”
He nods and whispers an almost inaudible apology. I wonder what’s going through his head if he thinks I’m so naïve as to tell illegal details of our business to the son of a supreme court judge, someone who could easily have federal agents after my family. On the way home, I find myself evaluating Henry, wondering if we could work as a couple; our values are different and would easily clash.
He’s good, really good, so good that he might be able to put my father in jail if he knew about the black market sales; he would condemn those sales. And I can’t help thinking how he would look at me if he knew the whole truth,if he knew how deeply I was involved with the Camorra, if he knew how involved I was with many other criminal organizations.
When he stops the car to say goodbye, I notice that he’sthinking of kissing me. Not knowing if that’s what I really want, I rush to plant a kiss on his cheek, getting out of the car with the promise of another date. I wave to him, watching the car slowly drive away and when it’s far enough away, I walk in the opposite direction, aimlessly, in an attempt to calm the whirlwind of emotions inside me.
I return home at dawn, shoes in hand and completely tired. I walk in silence and take light steps to my room, trying not to wake the girls. I get rid of my clothes and take a shower, quickly put on my pajamas, and slide into bed, trying my best to put my ex-fiancé out of my mind.The worst part is that even in my sleep, I couldn’t get him out of my mind.
I wake up without the courage to get out of bed, without the courage to face reality. The guys will have left by now, my friends will want to know about the date, and I don’t want to talk about it; I don’t want to say out loud that it wasn’t good enough, that I wished it was someone else across the table. I pick up my phone and see a missed call from my father; I wonder if Luca told him about my decision to end the engagement, and I know I should have spoken to my father first. I put my phone down and close my eyes tightly, ignoring my responsibilities. I don’t know how long I can do it, but I want to postpone this conversation as long as possible; I know my father isn’t upset with me, or at least he won’t show it. The reality is that it’s hard for me to admit that maybe I made the wrong decision.
I hear my bedroom door open, and I keep my eyes closed. “You can stop pretending to be asleep; your brothers have called, andyour mother and father want to talk to you.”
Leticia seemed upset, perhaps because my brothers were making her run errands. “I wasn’t pretending to sleep, just ignoring the situation. They probably want to talk about the engagement being off; Luca or his father must have spoken to my father.”
“You haven’t talked to your parents about it yet?
I try to ignore Leticia’s judgmental gaze, but it becomes a difficult task. Feeling the need to justify myself, I sit down on the bed with a pile of blankets around my waist. It was my decision. My mother didn’t love the idea, and she was right; it was an engagement that beat the records.
“They won’t judge you, and besides, you’ve always had the chance to break it off.”
“I know, but it’s complicated. I feel like I’ve failed.”
Leticia sits down in front of me, gives me a sweet smile, and holds my hand. “I know it’s hard, especially as your anxiety is probably screaming it in your mind. But you didn’t fail; it’s a complicated situation, and maybe it’s just not meant to be! Maybe it had to be this way; after all, it ended because of your date; maybe Henry is…”
“Henry isn’t the one…” I finish before she can finish her sentence; I look down at my hands and feel her gaze on me. I know she’s waiting for an explanation, but I can’t find the right words. “He’s fantastic, he’s good, really good, but still…”
“It wasn’t the person you wanted there!”
