For a second, I wonder if Josie’s still here, not that it matters. It’s not like I can bound up the steps and go looking for her. She’s not on-call, for fuck’s sake. Hell, she’s probably got a countdown going in her little planner and I’d bet there’s a big red slash over today’s date. One awkward-as-fuck session down, twenty to go.
There’s no way I can do this twenty more times.
I can get pinned against the boards, take a nasty hit, and skate until I can’t feel my legs. But this? It’s a special kind of hell. First, Josie’s the one who got away. The one I fucking pushed away like the dumbass kid I was. Seeing her at random places on campus is hard enough. But here? I’m a sinner in church. I don’t belong.
But that’s a piss-poor attitude. If one of my guys was bitching and moaning about practice, I’d tell him to work harder. You get out of it what you put into it. Coach says that all the time, and it’s true. The harder we train, the better prepared we are come game time.
Maybe that’s the solution.
I just need to focus. Give it my fucking all. And then give even more.
Josie made that little block note thingy. I can probably search for more of them online. And I bet I can find a YouTube video ofsomebody reading these passages out loud. And flashcards. Will is always making flashcards. There’s got to be an app for that.
I can do this. If I work hard enough, I can do this. Then I won’t even need Josie. I can save us both the trouble. I’ve been throwing myself a pity party for weeks, but that ends now.
I pull up my course and stare blankly at all the documents. My mind’s already spinning, but I can’t get psyched out. It’s not going to be easy, but it sure as hell beats the alternative.
7
Josie
The walk back to my dorm takes less than ten minutes. It’s getting cold, though, so I wrap my cardigan tight and hurry across campus, taking the shortcut through the main lawn by the fountain. I will not think about the fountain, or the bench I was sitting on when Van first asked me out.
I will not.
I will also not think about how good he looked tonight or how much I want to turn back around and check on him. He said he was on the verge of failing four of his courses and we only worked on one tonight. We used all our allotted time, but still.
My phone buzzes and it’s the reminder I need to stop being melodramatic and to get all thoughts of Van out of my head.
Levi: Home. Everybody’s in for the night.
Josie: I’m about two minutes away from my dorm.
Levi: Milo said you’re tutoring somebody?
Josie:Yeah. It's for one of my classes.
Levi: If you need to be there tomorrow night, just say the word. I am sure Chesleigh would be happy to cover for you. ??
Josie: No way. I’m not incurring the wrath of Milo or Tillie. Or Iris…it’s always the cute ones.
Levi:Smart move. But seriously, your classes come first.
Josie: You do realize I’m graduating with dual degrees and a 4.0, right?
Levi:Yeah, yeah. You home yet?
Josie:Just walked in. Sleep well.
Levi: What’s sleep? Goodnight.
Josie: Goodnight ??
I lock my door, slip off my shoes, and start the shower. I need to wash off this emotionally exhausting day and then curl up in my coziest sweats with a good book. I tutored my ex-boyfriend today. That deserves a treat.
Although, Van wasn’t being difficult. The difficult part was ignoring him. But I did it. And I only have to do it for another six or seven weeks. Yikes.
I toss my clothes into the hamper, twist my hair into a knot on my head and step into the shower. The hot water beats against my back and shoulders and I do my best to relax. I wash up and stand under the spray until it starts to run cold.
