“Uh, caroling isn’t a contest,” Ty says.
Whit just laughs. “Not the way you do it, it isn’t. Oh, and Book and I ordered a jogging stroller. So fucking dumb you don’t have one. Anyway, it’s in my trunk, so I’m gonna start putting it together so we can take it tonight. I even got flame decals for it. How bitchin is that?”
I just shake my head. I learned long ago that trying to stop the freight train that is Caleb Whitman is a waste of time and energy. “Hold up,” I say. “Ty’s right. I wanted to ask you guys something.”
“Holy shit. Are you proposing? Do you need ideas? Because I just gave most of my best ones to Ty, but I can brainstorm if you need me to.”
“Whoa...you’re proposing to Phoebe?”
“Yes, and keep your fucking voice down.” Ty shoots a glare in my direction.
“Damn. That’s amazing. Seriously.” I look at my best friend, my brother in all the ways that actually matter. He’s been through some shit and so has Phoebe, and I can’t think of two people more deserving of a happy ending. My face breaks out into a sappy smile.
“So, Ty shot down the dolphin thing, which is clearly his loss. The aquarium’s only an hour or so away. It’ll take some phone calls, but that’s fine. Anyway, dolphins mate for life, right?”
“I think that’s lobsters?” I say.
Whit just rolls his eyes. “It’s also dolphins.”
“You sure?” Ty pulls his phone out and starts typing.
“Of course, I’m sure. Do you doubt me?”
“Uh, yea. Because you’re full of shit.” Ty laughs and shows us his phone. “Dolphins don’t mate for life. They stick with the same pod, but not the same partner. They are very sexually active, though. It says here they’ll hump just about anything…”
Whit grabs the phone and reads. “Shit. Given your fuckboy history, let’s scratch the dolphin thing. Ooh...it says mantis shrimp mate for life. And check out those crazy tentacles. You could hook the ring on one of those and then—”
“Stop,” I say. “I’m not proposing to Willa using a creepy ass prehistoric looking shrimp. I’m not proposing. Not now. Someday, yea, but Jesus. I can’t even plan a date. We have the night to ourselves, and I have no clue what to do.” As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I regret them.
As expected, Whit responds in signature fashion. “Dude. You knocked her up. How the fuck do you not know what to do with an uninterrupted evening? I mean, shit, use a condom, but seriously. Do I need to spend my afternoon explaining to an actual baby daddy how to have penetrative sex? Because I got a stroller to put together.”
“Fuck you. I have plenty of ideas on how to spend three or four uninterrupted hours with Willa. But shouldn’t we do something big? Go somewhere? Like, I’m an asshole if you guys leave and I turn to her and say,Get your ass upstairs so I can tie you to our brand new bed and you can be as loud as you want when you scream my name.Right?”
Ty chokes out a laugh. “Uh, I’d finesse it a little more than that.”
Whit shrugs. “I am a love doctor, so I can see why you’d come to me with a question like this. I hate to say this, but I can’t help you. Seriously, I’m in fucking shambles these days. No joke. I jacked off to thoughts of my stepsister last night, so you may want to go elsewhere for romantic advice.”
Just then, Willa appears in the doorway, her face frozen in shock. “Um... I just need scissors, but I can come back later...or find some. Or, yea, whatever. I’m just gonna…”
I can’t help it. I double over in laughter. There are honest-to-God tears in my eyes and I’m this close to pissing myself. Ty’s in worse shape. He’s laughing so hard he’s wheezing. But Whit has no shame. He just looks at Willa and shrugs. “She’s hot. Like, fuck-hot. And—”
Before he can finish, Willa darts from the room, and I go after her. “You’re such an idiot,” I call to Whit as I dash past him. “She’s not gonna let you within ten miles of our kid if I don’t explain.”
I take the stairs two at a time and find Willa in the nursery.Rose is babbling away in her bouncy seat as Willa re-folds a stack of neatly-folded clothes, no doubt wondering what the hell is up with my friend.
“It’s not as bad as it sounds. I promise. His mom and Lucy’s dad got married, like, a month ago. Whit’s been in love with Lucy since we were kids, but they are not related in any real way, I swear. And she hates his guts, so yea. It’s a little weird, but not illegal or depraved. I promise.”
She cracks a smile. “You people are a mess,” she tells me with a shake of her head. “I mean, Booker and Ty are normal enough, but you and Whit are not always fit for public consumption.”
“Agree to disagree, my love,” I say, standing behind her and wrapping my arms around her waist. “Ty and Book are every bit as messed up as Whit and I are. They just hide it better.”
“You’re probably right.”
“Oh, I’m definitely right. So, you still ok with my crew taking Rose out on the town tonight?”
She smiles. “Uh-huh. The diaper bag is all packed. In fact, I’m looking forward to it.”
So am I, baby. So am I.
