Because he’s not wrong. And Willa and I really do need to talk. There are answers I need. And apologies I need to make. I push my sleeves up, then shake my arms so the cuffs fall back down to my wrists. Jesus. I can’t even decide how to wear my shirt. How am I going to—
“Knox?” Willa’s voice rings out clear as she walks up the staircase.
“Yea, sorry. I was just on my way down.”
“I need a place to change her,” she says, holding the baby close, and that’s when I spot a giant bag over Willa’s shoulder. God. Does she lug that thing everywhere?
“Sure. Of course. Come on, my room’s over here. Which you know, but…” I flick the door handle open and stand to the side to let Willa and Rose into my room. She walks toward the bed and then hesitates.
“Sheets and comforter are all new. Just got them yesterday. And yes, I washed everything. Not that they were dirty. Or soiled. Or like sex-stained. Or...Jesus... Fuck, I’m not supposed to swear, am I?”
I brace myself, sure Willa’s about to backhand me before she stomps out the door, so I’m floored when she starts laughing.
“Good to know about the sheets. But yea, you should probably try to curb the swearing, but from what I remember, that might be tricky for you. Though I’d really rather Rose’s first word be Mama instead of f-u-c-k, so, maybe work on that a little?” She smiles as she stands at the foot of the bed and lays Rose down. I’m a little transfixed as she holds Rose steady with one hand and fishes a diaper, some wipes, and a little mat out of that giant bag.
“Yea, ok.” I take a deep breath and let it out, then sit down on the bed, my back against the pillows and headboard. “Oh, shit? Is this ok? Like, I can sit here, right? Or no? Shit, I said ‘shit’. Dammit!”
“It’s fine if you sit there, you won’t bother us at all. But do you know words that aren’t cusswords? I’m beginning to wonder.”
Swear to God, I almost answer,Fuck yea,but I stop the words from falling out of my mouth just in time. “I think I remember a few other words. I promise, I’ll do better. I’ll start sayingfudgeandcheese and crackers, STAT.”
“Sounds like a plan,” Willa says, but she’s barely looking at me. She's busy distracting Rose. I get the feeling that diaper changes can be tricky. She’s tiny, but those little legs kick like crazy. Willa finishes up like the pro she obviously is and snaps Rose’s outfit back up like she’s not squirming everywhere.
Without realizing it, I lean forward, stretching across my bed, lying on my belly to get a closer look at Rose. “Is this okay?”
“Yea. Yes, of course. She’s your daughter, Knox. I—”
“It blows my mind,” I say honestly, because it does. I’m in awe that we created a person. “Her eyes look like mine. And all that hair?” I run my fingers through my own thick, unruly tresses.
She laughs. “Yea, thanks for that. I think I was bald until I was two, and Rosebud has more hair than most kindergarteners. But so far, she doesn’t fuss when I pull it up. Soon, though, that sprout ponytail isn’t going to cut it. I’m going to have to put it in a baby bun, or something.” Willa smiles, and it takes my heart right back to that summer.
“Hate to break it to you, but I have a standing barber appointment every four weeks. Otherwise, my hair would be down to my a—, my tush. Yep, right down to my tush. Does she fuss when you cut it? Or do you take her to a hairdresser? Do they even take babies this little?”
“I think so. I haven’t taken her yet. I guess she’ll sit in my lap?”
“I could take her,” I say impulsively. “Or not. Cool either way. I just figured since I go a lot. But maybe baby hair is different than man hair? Shit. Shoot—sorry. Shoot.”
“Um...I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet, for you to take her on your own. I mean, eventually, but…” The look of pure panic in her eyes has me wincing at my stupid offer.
“Yea, no, of course. I get that. Just, you know, when you’re ready. Or we could all go. Or whatever.” My verbal diarrhea isn’t making this situation any easier. I’m rushing in like an idiot when there’s so much we have to talk about, so many answers I need.
She wrestles with the diaper bag and turns toward the door. “We should go back downstairs. Ian said your friend made dinner, and I don’t want to be rude.”
“Willa, hang on. Please.” She turns back toward me. “Dinner can wait. Whit will heat it up later. Or I’ll bring up a plate if you’re hungry. Whatever you want, I just—I need to understand. I need to explain.”
She shakes her head and holds Rose impossibly closer to her chest. “I don’t want to hear your justifications. I’m willing to let you try to have a relationship with Rose, but I don’t want to go back in the past. I can’t revisit those hurts. You threw us away, Knox, and it nearly destroyed me.” There are those cryptic words again. I want to ask her if she’s crazy—because I never rejected them. Yea, I said goodbye, but only because she said it first. But even I know that ayou started itargument is a bad move. Things are strained enough right now, so I’ll save that conversation for a day when I can choose my words more carefully. Our little girl seems oblivious to the tension in the room, but I still keep my voice gentle.
“Got it. The past is off-limits for now, but please, Willa. I’m begging you, just stay and talk to me for five minutes.”
She hesitates but thank Christ for that diaper bag. It’s heavy, so she sets it down. That’s when I spot my chance. I stand and walk toward her, my arms out. “Can I?”
“Okay,” the word costs her, but to her credit, she’s not denying me access to my child.
“It’s probably easier if you sit. She’s squirmy. Just get back on the bed, like you were earlier, with your back against the pillows.” I do, and she places Rose in my arms and my baby girl’s lower lip trembles, which slices my heart right in half. Something instinctive must kick on inside my head because I start talking to her, like I know what I’m doing. “Hey, sweet pea. Or Rosebud? Is that what mama called you? Rosebud?” She looks up at me, not with approval, but also not with fear. I’ll take it. Her chubby hand reaches up and yanks on my hair. Hurts like fuck, but I smile. “That’s my girl. You’ve got crazy grip strength, Rosebud.”
“She’s strong, especially considering she’s so tiny. She’s been crawling for a while now, and she started pulling herself up a few weeks ago and nearly gave me a heart attack. Luckily, she doesn’t quite have the balance to start walking just yet. Hopefully she’ll hold off a little while longer, or Ian and I might lose our minds. “
At the mention of Ian’s name, my right hand clenches into a fist, but I take a calming breath and relax my hand. Jesus. I can’t go getting pissed off with my daughter in my arms. I know better than most that kids can sense energy, regardless of age, so I know I need to rein it in. “Yea, you, um...live with Ian?”
