“We do,” she says calmly and firmly, like she’s almost expecting me to flip out. “He’s a great boss, and a great friend. My rent was going up, and he has an extra bedroom, so he offered it to us. It’s working out pretty well. I cut back my hours with Maid 4 U, and I get more time with Rose, which means less money for a sitter, so...yea. It’s all working out. And he’s a really good uncle.”
“Good, that’s good.” She arches an eyebrow, but I smile back. “Look, he’s not my favorite person, and I know I’m not his, but it’s obvious he’s a good guy. That he’s been a good friend to you and Rose. I can’t get pi—mad about that. But, um...since you brought it up? The money thing—I have a trust from my grandparents. We should set something up where I can pay child support or—”
“Oh, I mean—”
“Don’t say no. You’re a single mom working two jobs, Willa.” At my words, she looks down and I reach out with my free hand to tip her chin up. We haven’t had much contact in a year and a half and that brief touch sends a shiver through me, but I look into her eyes. “No disrespect. The opposite, actually. I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done. Just, let me do this. It’s like, literally the bare minimum I need to do. I called my lawyer. He, um... He suggested a paternity test, but if you don’t feel comfortable, I don’t really need it.”
“No, that’s fine. It makes sense.”
“Seriously. Even if she didn’t look like a freaking mini-me, I know you’re not lying to me, Willa. I know it like I know my own name. Look, I obviously fucked shit up—dammit. I obviously messed up, and I need to explain, but despite all of that, I know that our week together was the best week of my life. I was surprised when I saw her, yea. Like, shock-of-my-life surprised, but I guess I shouldn’t have been. It’s no wonder we created something amazing—someone amazing. You have to believe me when I tell you I’ve never felt for anyone half of what I felt for you when we were together. I—”
“Knox, no—”
“Yes, Willa. Think about it. Think about our time together. Remember when we laid there under the stars at the lake, and I told you I was all in. I still am. Nothing has changed.”
Again, she stops me, this time with a shake of her head. “Everythinghas changed. Knox, I can’t hear this. I can’t.Youneed to believemewhen I tell you I don’t have the emotional capacity to even comprehend that right now. This week, seeing you again, introducing you to Rose, it’s...it’s all I can give you, ok? She’s your daughter, and like I said, if you want a relationship with her, I won’t stand in the way of that. I’ll bring her over, or let you visit, but you and me? No, that’s not on the table. You say you’re all in? Then be all in as her dad, ok?”
I can’t lie. Willa’s words hurt. They fucking gut me, but I get it. We obviously have a lot to sort out, and I’m a fool for thinking, what? We could just pick up where we left off?
She’s right. I’m Rose’s dad and I need to learn how to do that—how to be that. I need to prove I can be the father Rose deserves.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t still want Willa in ways I can’t even begin to explain. Our time together was amazing, even though it was brief. And maybe some people would say we were too young, that maybe we’re still too young. But I know how good I felt when I was with her—how calm, how right. I know that making her smile had more of an effect on me than any drink I’ve ever taken. I know I want the chance to feel that way again. But all that can wait. If I‘ve learned anything this week, it’s that patience is a virtue I need to brush the fuck up on.
I nod, accepting her request, and Rose starts to fuss in my arms. “She’s hungry,” Willa says, and it hits me again that I’m absolutely clueless as to my own daughter’s cries. I mean, yea, I’d eventually figure out she was hungry, but only because of deductive reasoning, not parental intuition.
“Yea, sure. Do you need to make her a bottle or…”
Her eyes dart around the room. “I could, or... Do you mind if I find a place to nurse her up here? Your friend made dinner, but there are a lot of people, and I—”
“Yea, no, that’s fine. You stay here. Do you need anything? Like, a pillow, or something?”
She relaxes her posture and leans against the pillows. “No, I’m ok. I just—”
At that, our little girl lets out a wail. “Whoa, little one, I get it. You need mama,” I tell her as I hand her over as gently as possible. Rose dives right for the boob, despite the fact that Willa’s still fully clothed. That’s when I realize I’m probably staring. Shit. “I’ll let you two do your thing and go fix us some plates, ok? Is there anything you can’t eat? You know, cause of, um…” I gesture feebly at my chest, and a hint of a smile ghosts Willa’s lips.
“No, nothing really bothers her these days, but a tall glass of water would be really good, thanks.”
“Got it,” I don’t look back as I grab the dirty diaper off the dresser and head out the door. I tell myself it’s because I’m giving them privacy but it’s not just that. It’ll hurt too much to turn around and look at the two people I want so much but can’t have. I need to figure this out. A future without them isn’t an option.
* * *
Willa
As soon as the door closes behind Knox, I pull my shirt down and unsnap the hook on my bra. Rose is done with waiting and latches on immediately. Within seconds, she’s nursing contentedly, while I lie here on Knox’s bed, my boobs hanging out, and my mind spinning.
And God, I don’t even want to think about the boobs that have been naked on this bed, new sheets or not.
But is it terrible that, just for a moment, I close my eyes and imagine what it might be like to be back in Knox’s bed for real? Being the focus of all of his attention was a heady feeling, and one I’m embarrassed to admit I sometimes miss.
But that doesn’t mean I’ll give in. Hell no.
In the abstract, do I miss his kisses? His affection? His absolute devotion to my pleasure? Uh, yea. Of course I do.
But do I also remember with painful clarity what it feels like to be on the receiving end of his disdain and dismissal? Absolutely.
So sure, it would be easy to get lured in by that charming, slightly crooked smile, by those stormy blue-grey eyes, by that lean, muscled body adorned in ink. But I’m not the fool I was a year and a half ago. I’ve learned so much since then, and not just about feeding and sleeping schedules. I’ve learned that I can’t rely on anyone, not 100%. I can’t get caught up in my feelings. I have to take care of myself—and my daughter—and that means keeping my head above water, applying to school, and being independent.
Rose pulls away, a sign that she’s ready to switch sides, so I adjust accordingly. Rubbing my hand over the soft locks on her head, I realize for the millionth time that my life is infinitely better with Rose in it. And she deserves the chance to grow up with a father, so if Knox proves to be worthy of her love, I can’t stand in the way. But if he even thinks of hurting her the way he hurt me? He won’t live to tell the world about it.
