“Got it. So...the Reformation? Crazy times, huh?”
“I love you.”
“Right back at you.”
IT’S FUNNY. TWENTY-FOURhours ago, I hardly noticed my apartment. I mean, yea, it’s my home, but I didn’t pay much attention to it, other than basic clean-up. And maybe it’s because I was subconsciously blocking out the wallpaper and throw pillows my mom and nana chose (bless their hearts). But now that Elaine has been here, I’m seeing the place in a whole different light.
Take the velvety plaid couch where my three best friends are currently sitting.
Now, I see her in every empty space. It’s like every flaw is magnified. (What were you thinking with all the potpourri baskets, ma? This place kind of smells like a funeral home.) Lainie was kind about the decor. But now that we’ve laughed about it, I want to redecorate. I want to buy a ridiculously deep, comfy sofa that’s big enough for cuddling. And fucking. I want to put a cozy chair in the bedroom, so she can snuggle in and read her sexy Scottish Highlander smut in comfort. And that’s crazy, because we’ve had one date. And crazier, because she ran out after our date like her ass was on fire and left me sleeping.
“Walker? Walker?” Duncan snaps his big meaty paws in my face. “Quit fantasizing about your girl, Simon. The beer’s getting warm, and the pizza’s getting cold.”
“She’s not my girl, Dunc. That’s the issue.”
“Right.” Nick chimes in as he pops the cap off a beer. “Look sharp, Dunc. Simon called us in to solve a problem, not to bitch about beverage and food temps. Though why the hell he thinks we’re going to dish up relationship advice, I have no clue. It’s a goddamn miracle you’re married, Dunc—I still maintain you have Bets under some trance. And Gav over here loves nothing as much as he loves hanging off a damn cliff. And I haven’t been in a long-term relationship since my ill-fated, two-week courtship of Emily Steinberg in the 7th grade.”
“7th grade? How do you even remember her name? That was more than a decade ago.” Gavin looks perplexed.
“I carved it into my dresser, but, sadly, I spelled it wrong. Messed up the e and the i. She was pissed, though not quite as pissed as when she caught me kissing her BFF under the gym bleachers at the Valentine’s dance. I suck at spelling. And relationships. Don’t get me wrong. I love a date. I just don’t love another date with the same person.”
“You also suck at staying focused.” I chime in and try to redirect. “We’ve got shit to do and if we start talking about Nick’s long list of jilted exes, it’ll be midnight until we get around to talking about what happened with Elaine and how to fix it.”
And yes, they’re unfocused assholes most of the time, but they’re my three closest friends.The powers that be at Bainbridge University saw fit to throw the four of us together as suitemates freshman year. We’re a mismatched crew, and we always have been, but it works for us. Nick’s body is a walking billboard of his art. Dunc teaches seventh grade, and it’s a good match, maturity-wise. Still, he’s got a heart of gold. Gavin’s the adventurer of our little group. And me, I’m the nerdy guy.
I remember being so freaked out that first day of freshman year. I was 15, and more than ready for the academic side of college, but a little apprehensive about the rest of it. I’d requested a single room, but somehow got placed in a suite with these three lunatics.
I’d raced up the stairs ahead of my parents and sisters and walked down to 406, expecting to find a small, empty room. Instead, I found Nick and Duncan armwrestling for the bed nearest the window, while Gav was measuring to see how high we could stack the bunks, so he could jump off the top.
“Right. Focus. So, a recap, if I may, since Duncan got here late?” Nick raises his eyebrow in Dunc’s direction.
“What? Betsy got home late, and I didn’t want to leave without telling her goodbye.”
“You’re such a honey, Dunc. But you know they have these nifty little things called phones, right? You heard of these? You can call. You can text. They’re gonna be popular, these phones. I can tell.” Nick teases him.
“Quit being a douche, Nick. Besides, I like to give my girl a proper goodbye, and you can’t do that over the phone. Well, I mean, I could—”
“Oh. My God. Stop.” I cut him off before this gets graphic. “One, that’s my sister you’re talking about and Two, I called you assholes here so you could help me figure out what to do. This is a strategy session, not a stitch and bitch, so knock it off and focus.”
“Sorry, Si. You’re right. We’ve got a job to do. So, here’s your recap, Dunc: Simon finally got the balls to ask Ellen out after having the hots for her for fucking ever and—”
“Elaine, not Ellen.” Gavin scoffs. “You suck at women’s names in general, Nicky. No wonder you call them all Baby.”
“It does simplify things, but don’t distract me. So, Simon asks Elaine out, she says yes, they go out, she proceeds to scream yes all night long, and then he wakes up all by his lonesome. I’m right so far, yea?”
“Yep,” I nod glumly.
“He texts to find out what the hell happened, and she answers like it’s a goddamn outgoing message at the office. Simon is heartbroken and needs to get his lady back, which could prove to be difficult, because he has no idea what the hell went wrong.”
“Oh, shit, you did it right? Right?” Duncan feigns concern. “I mean, we talked to you back in college about the birds and the bees, but I don’t think we ever really specified where exactly you put your dick.” Gavin, who was taking a drink, damn near chokes. I feel no sympathy.
I flip off my best friends. “I know how to have sex, assholes. I’m pretty sure I get why she left. Well, at least I have a few working theories.”
“Of course you do. Ok, lay it on us.” Gavin, who’s since recovered, props his feet up on my nana’s old coffee table and settles in to hear what I’ve come up with.
“Ok, here’s theory number one: she temporarily freaked out when she saw theStar Warssheets, but that’s not really a valid reason to leave hours later.”
“Christ Almighty. Still with the Star Wars?” Nick, the most suave of our foursome by far, has always been stymied by my love of the galaxy far, far away.
