23
Jess
When I wasin the second grade I lived with a couple who couldn’t have children. He was a pastor and she was teacher, and they made space in their home for a lost child who needed parents. I was the lucky child, and I truly mean that. It was the only home in which I was welcomed as a member of the family and not just another body passing through. I stayed there for almost two years, one of my longer foster stays, until he was transferred to a church across the country. I think they wanted to keep me. Maybe. But that’s not how foster careworks.
The day I left them, he said, “You must be brave in life, Jessica. You must choose to do right, always.” Those same words haunt me to thisday.
Because life isn’t lived in absolutes. At least for me. I want to do the right thing. I want to be good. But no matter who I do right by, Sean or Coy, I’ve already failed them both. I don’t know how to fixthis.
Sleeping with Sean was the worst thing I’ve ever done to Coy—a total betrayal of our relationship. But when I remember the way Sean touched me . . . the way he kissed me . . . even the way our bodies fit together . . . everything about it felt right. More right than any time Coy and I slepttogether.
But with each passing second in Coy’s room—in his bed, no less—the guilt for cheating on him chips away at the goodness of thosememories.
Be brave, Jessica. Doright.
I want to, but what does that even mean? Sean said he wants more. That he can protect me? But how is that possible? As if I can move down the hall, start sleeping in his bed, and what—we all live happily ever after? I don’t see how thatworks.
Sean wants to take care of me, but what about him? Because Coy wasn’t lying. He will kill Sean. I have nodoubt.
That’s why I did what I did. That’s why I lied. That’s why I chose Coy. Sean can’t protect me from myself or from the guilt that taints every fiber of my being. I came into this world unwanted. I’ll probably leave it the same. But I will not be able to live with myself if something happens to him because of me. Even if ithurts.
Oh, God, does ithurt.
I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to think. I’m tired in my soul, which is the worst kind of tired, and I need to escape for a few hours. A familiar darkness settles in my mind, the despair that suggests it’d be better for everyone if I simply went away. Inside the bathroom, I riffle through the cabinets until I find an open box of head cold medicine. There’re three emerald gel caps and I pop them out before downing them with a glass ofwater.
It’s been years since I allowed myself to remember my past. The time before Coy is something I block out for self-preservation, but lying here under the covers in a pitch black room, it all comes back. The families I stayed with. The group homes. The last one was the worst. It’s what changed everything. If I could go back, would I make a different choice? It’s what I wrestle with most. Another secret that haunts me. And after that, trading my body for enough money to get by crushed what was left of my soul. My eyelids flutter shut as the medicine kicks in, and the drowsy, heavy feeling pulls my body under until I’m lost in a blissful peace ofnothingness.
* * *
“Welcometo the worst place you’ll ever live.” The short girl with a mean smile laughed across the room. I hated this new foster homealready.
“Tasha! Give the new girl a break.” The girl with bright red lips and dark painted eyes threw a pillow at Tasha. A possible ally, but I’ve been in enough places to know I can’t trust anyone, and wolves always came cloaked in sheep’swool.
“What? Just being real. I hope you like sucking dick, because that’s arequirement.”
The woman who operated this group home told me to come back and get settled. There were two rooms for the girls, and she asked me to take the empty bed in the room on the left. To“make myself at home.” I didn’t ask why it was empty or who slept here before. But on the edge of the mattress with my garbage bag filled with my only possessions, I prayed I didn’t really have to exchange sexual favors for room andboard.
My case worker left a few minutes ago, and even I could read the apprehension in her eyes. She was worried. There are eight of us here, all unwanted teenagers. Outcasts and social delinquents. I expected some would assert their dominance, so I learned my place. What they didn’t already understand was I wasn’t an attention seeker. I hated being the center of attention. I was the wallflower. I faded into the background and stayed out the of way. It was the way Isurvived.
“See. You’re scaring her already.” The blonde girl next to Tasha tipped her head andstared.
“I’m not scared.” That wasn’t exactly the truth. Even though I’ve been in foster care my entire life, I was always nervous in a new home andschool.
“Mr. Spiers. He works long, hard days, and when he comes home to his wife, who’s knocked out from her evening cocktail of anti-depressants and boxed wine, he likes to release the stress of the day.” The blonde stuck one hand under her chin and chewed the white of herfingernails.
“Oh.” I bit the flesh of my lower lip so hard it might’ve actuallybled.
Tasha rolled her eyes and hauled her backpack off the ground. “Yeah, so again, I hope you like suckingcock.”
The blonde girl stared over at me with sad eyes. “Even if you don’t, you better get used toit.”
I’d done it before. A few times with boys my age, but I didn’t like it. The thought of being forced, and by an older man no less, made meblanch.
Tasha spread books across her bed and focused on her homework while the blonde girl pulled out nail polish. She covered up the evidence of her nail biting with each stroke of bright blue. Everyone ignored my arrival except for the girl next to me. Thick black eyeliner circled her eyes, and the red painted lips made her appear much older than any high schooler I’d known. Her stare was more intimidating than kind, but she tipped her chin in a silent greeting that gave me hope she wasn’t allbad.
“I’m Jess.” I gave a littlewave.
“I heard. Amo.” She narrowed her gaze. “There’s a container under the bed. We don’t havedrawers.”
