13
Jess
Ilike it here,in my borrowed room on a mansion on the hill. The days are free from wondering where we’ll get our next meal, how to pay rent, or how much money is left to fill up the gas tank. Though I don’t want to sound spoiled or ungrateful, I will admit I’m a little bored. I’m used to working, pitching in, which I try to do, but it’s not the same. After struggling for as long as I can remember, it’s strange to spend idle time on hobby type activities. But I’m trying to adjust. Attempting to enjoy the experience. It most certainly won’t lastforever.
Regardless, over the next few days we settle into a routine of a new normal, and even Coy’s less stressed. The band spends hours, sometimes upward of twelve a day, practicing, recording, and meeting with executives. His skill and drive astound me, and again I consider how lucky I am to have him. For him to have saved me from my earlierlife.
But it’s all just a short reprieve from the worries of the world. With the tour looming, I can’t help but worry how that will once again changethings.
It’s easy to hide in a mansion on the hill. My hands are busy helping to prepare meals and gardening with Deb. I spend every morning sketching and journaling in an empty notebook she gave me, in the privacy of the backyard as the sun rises in glorioussplendor.
But on the road, in a bus, I’m not sure how I’ll fare. Or how exactly that’ll work. Where will I sleep? I’ll be with Coy, but is there even room? I’ve never been inside a tour bus before but I imagine there’s not much space. Or privacy. Coy might not mind having sex where everyone will hear us, but I do. I won’t be able to face any of them without melting into a puddle ofembarrassment.
I worry about Coy too. He’s always been volatile. His temper flares, and while I want to be there for him, I wonder whether I’ll only cause more discord. Sean’s already witnessed how jealous Coy can be, and that was embarrassing enough. I can’t imagine how all of this will workout.
I’d rather be left here with Trent’smom.
Those are the words I scrawl onto the blank page. My honesty flows onto the paper with ink easier than I could ever speak the words aloud. This morning is warm, the promise of summer quickly approaching. I love the way the sun heats the backs of my legs as I lay on my belly on one of the oversized loungechairs.
Coy isn’t an early riser; no one in the house is, so I steal these moments of solitude before the day begins. Just me in this quiet backyard space. It’s enough to recharge my mind for another day of pretending to be polished. To smile and be outgoing and sweet. To belong. To pretend everything is perfect when it’snot.
Pen to paper, I continue to give voice to mythoughts.
If only Coy could leave me here for the tour. I think the space would be good for him. Good for me. But then I worry . . . Would he find someone else? Realize I’m not so great to keep? Find someone better? Then I’ll be left with what?Nothing.
“Planning to take over the world?” Sean’s much too close voice scares the crap out ofme.
Ayipescapes my lips and I can’t slam my notebook shut fast enough. Scrambling to sit upright, I accidentally knock it from the cushion and it falls to the ground, pages open, my thoughts ondisplay.
He reaches to scoop it up before Ican.
Fear along with a good shot of shame causes my hands to shake so I place them on myhips.
“Hey.” He snaps the book shut, but still holds it out of reach. “I was only joking, but you look as though I caught you red-handed.” He laughs. “You’re not really constructing the demise of the world, are you? ’Cause you’re much too pretty forprison.”
“No, it’s not that.” I try to steady my breathing as I hold out my hand. “May I have itback?”
“Jess, Jess, Jess. Why, whatever are you hiding?” He steps back, darting his tongue across his thumb before flipping through the notebook pages. He stops, eyes wide, and holds the page in front of hiseyes.
I want to hide my face. He can’t read this. I never intended anyone to. It’s all embarrassing. Private thoughts that will only make him regard me as some silly, immature girl. And what if he tells Coy? Oh,God.
I think I’m about to besick.
But like a child teased relentlessly in the school yard, I know the best defense is to play it cool. Act as if I don’t care. As if those words don’t make me feel more open and exposed than if I were standing here naked. “Whatever are you doing, Sean, sneaking up on a poor unsuspecting woman and playing keep away with herdiary?”
His smile flashes from behind the book, wicked and bright. “I do like games, but let’s see what exactly you’ve written.” He clears his throat and I brace myself for what is surely one of the most embarrassing moments in my adult life. “Even though I’ve only lived with him for a few weeks, Sean Willis is hands down the most attractive man I’ve ever laid eyeson.”
Oh, thank God. He’s making it up. I exhale the breath I was holding and laugh. “I didnotwrite that!” I try to yank the notebook out of his hands, only to discover he’s opened it to a blankpage.
“Wait! I need to finish!” He tugs it back, both our hands gripping the paper, and continues in what must be his imitation of a womanly voice. “He’s so handsome it hurts to look at him directly, and I finally understand why critics all across the world are calling for the band Three Ugly Guys to start performing as One SexyDude.”
“You are ridiculous.” I roll my eyes and shake my head, but there’s a smile on my lips as he releases my journal safely into myhands.
“Sorry. You were too intense. I couldn’t help myself.” His words, they’re meant to be light, but his gaze is hungry and it only stirs desire and need in the pit of my belly. Dangerous feelings I should not be having. Fear that he might read my thoughts sends my gaze downward to where my fingertips grip thenotebook.
“You’re up early,” hesays.
“I’m always up early.” I lift my chin, relieved to find his casual smile back in place. “You’re usually not,though.”
