Chapter Twelve
Tammy
Today, I woke up and decided to pull on my light blue leggings. The sun was shining outside, and in general, it felt like a bright morning - sort of. So I decided that blue leggings and a plain white T-shirt would work perfectly. It was a very simple outfit, but one that I thought looked quite nice on me.
Now, splotch by splotch, those light blue leggings were gradually shifting to a darker blue as a torrent of tears drenched them from above. If I looked up at the mirror, though, I could make out a watery smile ironically stretching across my face amidst the torrent. The cause of my mid-morning bout of waterworks sat on the table in front of me - three long, white objects that I couldn’t make out clearly.
It didn’t matter that I couldn’t see them. I knew every excruciating detail of each one. It wasn’t hard. I only had to remember one to remember all three, because they all indicated the same thing.
I’m pregnant. I’m… pregnant.I kept repeating the words, both aloud and in my head, but they never cut through the numbness of denial. I was literally on birth control. Birth control had a 0.05% failure rate. Could this even really be possible?
Half an hour later, I leaned back after reading hundreds of reviews on the pregnancy tests I had bought from my drugstore this morning. The reviews were mostly four stars and above. Some of the people leaving them even had stories that mirrored mine - they were on birth control, and they took these tests after having nausea in the morning, and they found out they were pregnant.
Maybe I should see a doctor? Yes, that was it. I should schedule a doctor’s appointment to check for sure, because there was no way I could be one of the women who made up those minuscule failure statistics. The doctor would schedule some sort of test, and it would show that it was just me - maybe me with a stomach virus that made me nauseous, but not me with a tiny baby growing inside.
Trying to calm myself, I went online again. I found some stories of women who had pregnancy scares, and I lapped those up, using them to convince myself that my body and the tests were both wrong.
But then I found the other stories - the ones written by women who got pregnant while on birth control. The numbers of these stories far outweighed the others, and the inescapable truth weighed heavier on me with every story.
I’m pregnant.This time I didn’t have to repeat it more than once.
What in the world was I going to do? Nate planned to fly back to the Hamptons for a visit this very weekend. I had to tell him.
I stood up, ignoring my nausea and striding a restless circle around the couch. No, no, no. I couldn’t tell Nate about the baby. If he could leave me without saying goodbye, he wouldn’t even hesitate to use his job as an excuse to disappear on me and our baby.
But he changed,my miserable heart argued with my mind.He would never. He’ll take responsibility for this.
Will he?The logical part of my brain fired back. Nate had a history of disappointing me, and I hadn’t even given him a reason back then. If Nate wanted out of this whole fake wedding non-commitment - if he was getting tired of flying back and forth to see me when he could find a woman who could travel with him - then a baby was the perfect excuse.
Finally, I realized that my distraught brain had used all its power to process the pregnancy and couldn’t supply me with any advice. So, I sat down and did exactly what Claudia had done in my situation - I called my best friend who was now all the way across the Atlantic Ocean from me.
“Hey, Tammy.”
Claudia’s voice released the torrent of words I had been holding back. “Claudia!” I practically sobbed. “I woke up and I felt nauseous and I looked up what it could be and tried a few things and I got three pregnancy tests and they were all positive, and I’m not even really married, Claudia,” I insisted, franticly. “Justfakemarried! But this is a real child… And I’m on birth control!”
“Okay, whoa,” Claudia said, halting my panicked rant and creating a bit of time for herself to process what I had said. “Let’s back up. You’re pregnant? Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure,” I told her, deflating in an instant from frantic to miserable and hopeless. “Three positive pregnancy tests, sure.”
“Well, that is just awesome!” Claudia exclaimed warmly. “Give it a couple years and Jaxon and your child can play together!”
Claudia sounded so thrilled that I had to blink and take a step back. I was - I was going to have a baby. A baby I could love, hold and raise. A baby of my very own, whom I wouldn’t have to give back after a day of babysitting. “Y-yeah,” I said, eyes wide with budding realization. “I guess it is kind of awesome.”
“Of course, it is! I know it’s a pretty big surprise - I swear, if anyone knows, it’s definitely me - but sometimes the biggest surprises are the best ones.”
“But Claudia, it’s Nate’s,” I told her, my voice losing its brief moment of calm.
“I kinda figured, after all the time you two been spending together these last months,” Claudia commented. “Does he know yet?”
“No, and I’m not sure if I should tell him. He might hate kids, for all I know.” Finally, I revealed my true fear. “I don’t know if I can trust Nate. What if he does it again, Claudia? What if he promises that we’ll work things out and everything will be okay and I start to count on him, and then he disappears on me?”
Tense, thoughtful silence lingered over our call until Claudia finally broke it. “One thing I realized when I found out I was pregnant was that Zeke didn’t matter. Okay, that’s harsh,” she amended her words. “Of course he mattered. What I mean is that I was going to love Jaxon with all my heart no matter what, and I knew that he would grow up with me as his mother and my mom for a grandma. Your baby will have you, and me, and my mom. I know it’s hard, and it’s not as much advice as you might want, but try to focus on the things you know you have, not the uncertainties. Those can eat you up inside, and that’s not healthy for the baby.”
I gave a watery chuckle. “You’re right. And it’s not like I’m in college anymore. I have this house to live in, and I have my job to support myself.” I still felt so very far from okay, but my best friend was helping.
“Exactly,” Claudia agreed. “You know what you need? Some time to think things over. Today is Friday, so why don’t you look at your schedule and-”
“Today is Friday?” My shrill voice echoed through the house. “Oh no, I spent the entire day thinking today was Thursday. Nate is supposed to fly to the Hamptons tomorrow morning so we can spend the weekend together. I can’t see him yet. I need - I need time,” I finished, already on my way to my bedroom.
