“Just… just keep reminding yourself that it’s worth it,” Tammy suggested.
Slowly, my frustration drained away and gave rise to a small, wry smile. Tammy was far away in the Hamptons trying to justify a ridiculous falsehood that ended by me dragging her into a fake marriage. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right,” I agreed, condemning my moment of weakness. It was far too late to change things now. I had the job, that was all that mattered. “Sorry. It’s been a weird day, and I should probably go back inside to visit with the party guests. But can I ask you something first?”
“Sure, whatever you want.” Tammy’s tone told me she wasn’t buying this suddeneverything’s okayattitude, but she didn’t push me to come clean.
“You don’t feel like I manipulated you, do you? I mean, with the whole-” I glanced side to side, checking for unwelcome ears. “The whole fake marriage thing.”
“Well, not exactly. It was more like a trade. You told me you would help me with my business - on one condition. And I told you I would help you with your fake marriage problem. That’s what it is, Nate - it’s business. I help you, you help me. I could have said no,” Tammy pointed out. “Is this what’s bothering you? You feel guilty that I got dragged into this or something… unwillingly?”
“Yeah, I guess so… a little bit.” It felt good to get something off my mind at least, even if it wasn’t one of the main issues.
“Well, you don’t need to worry. I don’t feel manipulated at all. I do miss you, though,” she admitted, her voice as soft as that fluffy white comforter I knew she had on her bed.
“I miss you too.”
“And I want to tell you something,” Tammy continued. “I, um… remember when we met for lunch after that dinner at the Hamptons Peak with all our friends? When you told me why you didn’t want to say goodbye… since I hadn’t received your letter?”
“Yeah?” I remembered that lunch as clearly as though it had happened just yesterday.
“I just wanted to tell you that I understand why you couldn’t say goodbye… And I’m sorry that I didn’t try harder to contact you… after…” Tammy finished her thought, leaving the last word open for me to interpret.After I left? After she sent the note?
“You already apologized,” I pointed out, puzzled. “We both did.”
“Yeah, I know, I just feel like I understand better now. Anyway, when do you think you can come home to the Hamptons for another visit? I’m working on shifting some things around next week…”
We had talked for as long as I dared to be absent from the party. So I told Tammy that I would talk to her later and ended the call.
I scooted off the stone wall careful not to mess up my suit and headed inside.
“Oh, Nate, there you are,” Mack said almost as soon as I made my way back into the air conditioning to rejoin the festivities.
“Here I am,” I agreed jovially.Fake it ‘till you make it.“Had to step out and call Tammy. What did I miss?”
My new philosophy for the evening, combined with Tammy’s assurance that she didn’t feel used by my poor choices, actually served to cheer me up somewhat. Despite my foul mood and internal questions, I liked Mack - always had - and I knew most of the people he had invited tonight, so it wasn’t hard for me to find pleasant conversation to distract myself for the rest of the evening.
By the time I arrived at my apartment, I was exhausted. So I showered and headed to bed, wishing more than anything that I could turn over with my arm extended and pull Tammy’s warm body against my chest. This was getting old, not being able to do anything without thinking about Tammy.
I sat up in the darkness, leaning back against the headboard and was reminded it was Thursday night by the digital bedside clock. I had been there for Riker and Zeke through the whole process of meeting their girls and struggling with their feelings. My advice might not have been exactly useful most of the time, seeing as how I had been more inclined to joke about their plights than try to understand, but all that was in the past. I missed them too, remembering how Riker had started his relationship by chewing out his future wife over a loose dog, and they still got married even after all that - not just married, happily married, and so was Zeke.
That wasn’t the point, though. The point was, at first in both of their relationships, Riker and Zeke hadn’t been able to stop thinking about the women they had become attracted to. And both men had ended up falling in love, getting married (for real) and having children. My friends had shared with me; they had ceaseless thoughts about Elena and Claudia. The same kind that was keeping me awake right now. In the end, their struggles had resulted in the perfect family relationships. They even had children, something we all would have laughed about less than five years ago.
All the signs pointed to the possibility that there was more between Tammy and me, but I didn’t know how to follow them. Icouldn’tfollow them. To follow the lessons I learned from watching Riker and Zeke, I would have to defeat this physical distance between us, and that was impossible.
Slowly, I lay back in the bed, no less wide awake but aware that I had to get up early in the morning. Tammy and I talked about all this before I left to come here, and we didn’t have an answer. Two heads were better than one, so if Tammy and I hadn’t been able to engineer a solution together, I definitely wouldn’t be able to come up with one on my own. The facts remained - the facts always remained.
Maybe I can… I don’t know. Work harder. Get more done faster, so I have more time to go back to the Hamptons.With that thought, I closed my eyes, searching for the means to make this possible.I could take a typing class. Typing faster means finishing things faster. I could… I could hire someone to help me finish the budget for the season. That’s a big one…
Finally, I felt myself begin to nod off. I just kept thinking and dreaming of impossible solutions until the real dreams finally took hold.
