“Again.”
“No.”
“Yes. Again.”
Evie’s lip started trembling. Hearing those words from someone else was bad enough. Coming from herself they were even worse.
“I’m beautiful, strong, and brave.” She spoke a bit slower this time, and her voice was shaking by the time she was through.
“I know you don’t believe it.” Natalya caressed Evie’s ribs, her fingers brushing over her tattoo. “You will. And you’ll repeat it every day until you do.”
“Why do you care?” Evie said sharply. She felt exposed in a way she wasn’t used to. In a way she hated.
She’d survived this long by shutting off her emotions and not feeling anything at all. This was making her open up, and that invited whole new avenues of pain. She didn’t want it. She mightfall apart if she let it happen, and falling apart wasn’t something she’d ever had the luxury of doing.
Natalya stroked her cheek. She didn’t look angry that Evie had raised her voice. She didn’t back off like Evie wanted her to do. She’d tried to push her away, and Natalya just leaned in closer.
“Because you deserve to be cared about.”
Evie’s sight went blurry with tears. She raised her hands to wipe them away, but Natalya grabbed her wrists before she could move them to her face.
“You are beautiful, darling. You are strong. And you are brave. You are one of the bravest people I’ve ever met. You may not believe these things about yourself but believe that I know them to be true. Eventually, you will too.”
Natalya let her go. Evie didn’t move her hands.
“How do you know?” Evie’s voice was both small and pathetic-sounding. “How do you know I’ll believe them?”
“Because it’s what happened to me. I thought lowly of myself for a long time after I got my freedom. It isn't an easy thing to believe what you don’t feel at all. Eventually, you’ll be able to say these words without sorrow. Later, without doubt. I promise.”
Evie let out a shuddering breath. She’d come to rely so heavily on Natalya’s promises. Despite how bleak she felt, the words made hope flutter to life that sometime in the future, maybe, she would look at herself, and her first thought wouldn’t be about the monsters who’d left these marks on her body.
Natalya caressed her chin. “Promise you’ll say the words. Every day.”
Evie hesitated a long moment before nodding slowly. “I promise.”
Natalya regarded her with narrowed eyes, undoubtedly trying to determine if she was lying.
She wasn’t. Natalya’s promises to her had been much grander than this mere thing. Evie could do it. Shewoulddo it.
Natalya smiled. “Thank you, darling.”
She pressed her lips gently against Evie’s. It was a soothing kiss that made Evie feel warm inside. Made her feel safe and held as Natalya’s body pressed against hers.
How was Natalya this perfect? How could she be so commanding and then also be so gentle? So caring?
Evie wasn’t used to being treated with such loving attention. Before she’d been forcibly pulled into this hidden world of monsters, she’d been emotionally distant and gruff. She’d been tough and unfeeling, settling for contentment over happiness.
Even with Amanda, Evie had never felt this at ease. She’d never felt this vulnerable. This safe. It had never felt this right.
And then there had been Varro. Varro and his hard eyes and sharp teeth. Stefano and his cruel desires and cold touch. Memories that hurt. Right then, she couldn’t push them away.
As Natalya kissed her, Evie was reminded of what intimacy should be. What it should feel like to be touched by another. And in turn, she was reminded of what those men who’d imprisoned her had turned it into.
The first time with Natalya had been a test. A test she wanted, yes, but still a test whose results had brought relief that sex wasn’t just pain and terror. The second time she’d been too distracted by being worried and angry to think about anything else afterward. But now… feeling calm, safe, and protected, her defenses withered away.
With Natalya, she felt everything more. She felt everything purer. It meant higher pleasure. It meant brighter pain.
As she was kissed by this wonderful woman, Evie embraced Natalya and started crying.
