The words were juxtaposed by how softly Natalya was disentangling Evie’s hair.
“You’re gentle with me.”
“You make it easy. You make me want to. You’re special, darling.”
“I’m really not.” Evie’s lip trembled, and right then, she was happy Natalya couldn’t see her face. “I haven’t done anything in my life. I didn’t even finish high school. I’m nothing special.”
“What is it I have you tell yourself every day?”
Evie looked down. “That I’m beautiful, strong, and brave.”
Her voice was a bit uneven. The words still weren’t easy to say. Natalya kissed the back of her head.
“You’re all of that and more. You’re wonderful. You’re kind and caring. You’ve been through more than anyone should, and you’re still you. You’ve never sought to own me or wanted to possess me. Not once. Not ever.”
Evie couldn’t imagineowningsomeone else. She’d experienced being owned. Being without agency, unable to stop what was happening to her. She knew the pain of it and the terror felt under a cruel master. What she felt for Natalya wasn’t possessiveness. She just wanted to bewithher.
“I don’t want to own you, Natalya.”
“I know. I know it without any doubt. But many do.”
The information made a strange indignant anger rise in Evie’s chest. The thought that someone might want to own Natalya, like she’d been owned before, hurt to think about.
“You’re too good for me,” Natalya said then. “I have done so many horrid things. I will do more in the future. I am a being of Sin. I was made to destroy. I don’t deserve the ease you bring me.”
Evie squeezed Natalya’s hand. “You deserve it more than anyone.”
Silence followed that statement. It felt like Evie should say something more, but the words wouldn’t come. She didn’t know if she’d upset Natalya or if the silence was just of the thoughtful variety.
Evie wasn’t good attalking.All she could do was listen and hold Natalya’s hand. She could be there, but she didn’t know what to say.
She knew what shewantedto say. The one thing she couldn’t bring herself to voice. But then Natalya did it instead.
“I meant what I said before. I don’t want to be without you. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t just want what we have now, I want you forever. I…”
Her voice trailed off.
“What, Natalya?” Evie’s own voice was barely audible.
Natalya’s arms went around Evie, and she hugged her. Held her in a tight embrace that felt like it was a goodbye. Like it was the last time Natalya would touch her.
“Evie…” Her name escaped Natalya’s lips as a tremble. Her voicenevertrembled. “I don’t want to let you go. I don’t want you to leave.”
Natalya made a quiet sound, almost like a sob.
“Evie, I love you.”
A silence had never been more painful. Never had the quiet been filled with so much agony.
This had been foolish. Natalya wasn’t a being to love, only something to desire or fear. To worship or flee from. That Evie wasn’t doing the latter was just because Natalya had her arms around her, and she couldn’t.
She didn’t want to let go. When she did, Evie would get up and leave. Evie wouldn’t be able to handle this. Or worse, she’d pretend she could. She’d say the words, and her voice would shake with fear because who would dare reject a greater fiend in her own domain?
Natalya had gone about this all wrong. She’d wanted this conversation in the Second Circle because it was where she was most herself. It was where her being was the most powerful. She hadn’t thought beyond her need for Evie to see that part of her and not recoil.
They were alone. Evie was spent and tired. She wouldn’t be able to run. If she said the words back, it wouldn’t be real. It would just be to avoid Natalya’s wrath.
Natalya didn’t feel wrath at all. She just felt sorrow so painful she’d rather be stabbed with the fiend-fixed dagger again than feel it a moment longer.
