She was quiet for a long moment. When she spoke again, her voice was gentler. "You can't.”
I heard the door close softly and her footsteps fade away along the corridor. I could have gone after her, but I didn’t want to do any more damage. So instead I sat on the edge of my bed and wept like a child as my world fell apart around me.
24
The torches flickered dimly in the underground pens as I made my way down the narrow stone steps, my basket full of meat scraps I'd stolen from the kitchen. The smell of smoke and dragon filled my lungs - familiar, comforting after the chaos above. Down here, at least, things made sense. Down here, at least, I could breathe. Down here, I didn't have to pretend everything was fine. The deep dark quiet seemed to calm my soul after the day's events, and I sighed.
The dragon's massive head lifted as I approached his pen, golden eyes gleaming in the darkness. He could probably smellthe blood on the meat as I set the basket down next to the pen, but he waited patiently as I headed further through the pens to check on Tarshi. He was asleep, his breathing deep and even. He'd been training again the last few days, and had managed to get close enough today to ask me to come to him, but I'd made excuses. I hated to disappoint him, but the way my mind was whirling after my run in with Septimus, I'd just wanted to be alone.
Dragons, of course, didn't count. Plus they made great listeners. I lowered myself down onto the cold flags, holding on to one of the bars to steady myself. I felt the dragon rub his head against my fingers and I smiled.
"Hey, big one," I whispered. "Brought you a midnight snack."
I pushed the scraps through the bars a bit at a time. He ate slowly, though he must be starved. I would swear he was thinner than when Drusus had bought him, but then the festival began tomorrow and on the night it concluded, the dragon would be the one we had to face in the arena. His ribs were more prominent than ever - Drusus was starving him for the festival, making him mean. But the dragon's golden eyes held the same intelligence, the same gentleness they always had when he looked at me. I ran my hand over his scales, feeling the familiar warmth beneath my palm. He'd become my confidant, my shelter when everything above ground became too much. Tonight, I needed that more than ever.
"You're the only one I can really talk to right now," I admitted. The warmth beneath my palm was familiar, comforting. "Tarshi's been trying to get me alone all day - you know how he is, he can tell something's wrong. But if I tell him what Septimus did..." I glanced down the corridor towards the pen where Tarshi slept. "He'd challenge him right there in the training yard. And Marcus..." I sighed. "Marcus would want to help, buthe wouldn’t understand. How can I explain that the man who's been protecting me for years suddenly..."
The dragon lifted his head as my voice caught, a low rumble in his chest. When I told him about Septimus forcing me down onto his bed, that rumble became a growl.
"Shhh," I said gently, rubbing my hand over his head. "I'm ok, everything's ok. Quiet, big one. You'll wake them."
Another low rumble and then he lowered his head again.
"I just don't understand him," I said softly, moving to scratch under his jaw where he liked it best. "He was always... different. Special. Even when I was just a house slave, before the arena, he never ordered me to his bed like the others did. Never even looked at me that way. I thought..." I swallowed hard. "I thought maybe he respected me. Saw me as more than just a body to use. But today... I've never seen him like that. So angry. So out of control." My voice caught. "He kissed me, and it wasn't... it wasn't gentle. Then he dragged me to his room, and for a moment I thought..." The memory made me shudder. "But he stopped. As soon as he realized I didn't want it, he stopped. The look on his face..."
I buried my face in my hands, fighting back tears. "He looked horrified. Disgusted with himself. But why now? Why after all these years? He's watched me go to other men's beds - Drusus, the gladiators, even Marcus. If he wanted me then, why didn't he just order me like everyone else did? Why wait until I'm finally free to choose, then try to take that choice away?"
The dragon finished his meat and turned his head to look at me, those intelligent eyes seeming to see right through me. I reached up to stroke his snout, finding comfort in the familiar texture of his scales. Sometimes I swore he understood every word I said.
"I should hate him for what he did. I do hate him, I think. But..." I picked at a loose thread on my tunic. "There wassomething in his eyes, something... broken. He kept saying I'd been with everyone but him, like it was eating him alive. But he never asked! He never once indicated he wanted... that he felt ...and if he had, would I have wanted to go?"
I leaned back against the wall. “I mean, it’s Septimus. I grew up with him, he knows things about me, and me about him. He’s like my brother. Not that he could replace Tarus.”
I stood up suddenly, pacing the length of the pen. “But when Septimus touched me today... when I thought he was going to..." I pressed my forehead against the cool metal. "Even then, he made me feel things Marcus and Tarshi never have. Something dark deep inside, something that just craves him even though it’s wrong. How twisted is that?"
The dragon made that soft churring sound that always seemed to say he understood. I leaned against the bars, feeling his warm breath on my face.
"I’m not sure I’d have been sorry if he’d kept going. I wouldn’t have wanted it to happen like that, not with him so angry, so mixed up inside, but I wanted him. And now tomorrow I have to walk into that arena like nothing happened. Stand beside him in the lineup, maybe even spar with him. I've worked so hard to become more than what I was - a real fighter, someone the others respect. I can't let them see me shaken. I can't let him take that from me too."
The dragon shifted closer, his scales scraping softly against the stone floor. I could feel the heat radiating from him even through the bars. "The thing is, big one... when he stopped, when he looked at me with such horror... like he hated himself. And I don't know what to do. I'm not sure I can just forgive him, but I can't just abandon him either. I still care about him, but I don't know what to think. Or feel. Or do."
The dragon's tail curled closer to the bars, and I reached out to touch it, finding comfort in the familiar texture of his scales."At least I know where I stand with you, big one. Even if in two days..." My voice caught. "Even if in two days, we have to face each other in that arena." I sighed. "I need to find some way of getting you out of here, but I have no idea how. Even with help... Tarshi would help me, but you're worth so much to Drusus, he'd surely have Tarshi killed. Maybe even me. Marcus thinks after this we can just walk away with our freedom, but I can't believe that. And even if we did, I couldn't do what he wants of me. I'm not that woman that settles down and has a family. I want my vengeance, and one way or another I'm going to get it."
The dragon rumbled softly in response, his golden eyes fixed on mine. Sometimes I wondered if he understood more than just my tone - if he knew exactly what I meant about vengeance. About being trapped.
"They all want something from me," I continued, tracing the pattern of his scales. "Marcus wants the wife he thinks I could be. Tarshi wants to protect me like he couldn't protect his mother. And Septimus..." I swallowed hard. "I don't even know what Septimus wants anymore. But none of them understand. Not really. Not even Septimus, it doesn't haunt him, like it haunts me. It doesn't burn and consume him from the inside like it does with me."
The dragon's tail twitched, and I could have sworn there was something like recognition in his eyes. "You understand though, don't you? Being caged. Being used. Having everything taken from you." I leaned closer to the bars. "I promised myself I'd never be powerless again. Never let anyone control me. But here I am, still trapped. Still dancing to Drusus's tune. And now Septimus..."
A sudden thought struck me. "Unless... what if we helped each other?" My voice dropped even lower. "If I could figure out how to free you during the fight... create enough chaos... maybe we could both escape. Both get our revenge." I paused, heartpounding at my own daring. "Would you help me? Or would you just burn everything in sight?"
The dragon's head tilted slightly, those intelligent eyes studying me with an intensity that made my breath catch. I knew it was madness to even consider it. But after today, after everything...
"I need to think it through more," I whispered. "But if I could find a way... would you trust me enough to try?"
The dragon made that soft sound again, but this time there was something different in it - almost like anticipation. His tail curled closer, wrapping around the bars near my hand, and I felt a shiver run through me that had nothing to do with the cold.
"We'd need perfect timing," I whispered, my mind already racing with possibilities. "The arena will be packed for the festival's finale. You'd have to be careful though - there will be innocent people there too. And some of the fighters..." I glanced down the corridor toward Tarshi's pen. "Some of them deserve better than this life. Better than Drusus."
