For a moment, everything else fell away. There was only the softness of her lips, the heat of her body pressed against mine, the taste of her that I'd dreamed about for so long. My hands slid down her arms, gripping her waist, pulling her closer. And for one glorious, heartstopping second, I thought she might be kissing me back.
Then she shoved me away, hard enough that I stumbled back a step. Her chest heaved as she stared at me, eyes wide and wild.
"What the fuck, Septimus?" she hissed, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.
The rejection stung worse than her slap. Anger and humiliation warred inside me, making my voice rough when I spoke. "What's wrong, Livia? Isn't this how you solve all your problems?"
Her face went white, then flushed with fury. Her hand snapped up to slap me again, but this time I caught her wrist, wrapping my fingers tightly around it.
"Stop it," she said, her voice shaking. "This isn't you. You're not like this."
"You don't know me at all," I spat. "You never have." I started down the alley, dragging her through the door on the left and into the building where our rooms were situated. I shared with three other men, but they would all still be at training. We stumbled through the doorway, and I kicked it shut behind us. The room was dim, lit only by thin shafts of sunlight filtering through gaps in the wooden walls. The air was thick with the smell of leather and oil.
I pushed her up against the wall, pinning her there with my body. She was breathing hard, her eyes wide and searching my face. For a moment, I thought I saw a flicker of something there - desire? Fear? - before it was replaced by anger.
"You're hurting me," she said, her voice low and dangerous.
"Good," I snarled. "Maybe now you'll know how it feels."
I crushed my mouth to hers again, kissing her roughly. She bit down hard on my lip, drawing blood. The sharp pain only fueled my desire. I ground my hips against hers, letting her feel how much I wanted her.
She struggled against my grip, her body writhing against mine in a way that made my blood burn.
My hands roamed her body roughly, gripping her hips and pulling her against me. Part of me was screaming to stop, thatthis wasn't right, but I was too far gone. Years of suppressed desire and jealousy were pouring out of me.
"Stop fighting me," I growled against her neck. “I outrank you. If I want you in my bed, you do as you’re told.”
I didn’t stop to hear her reply. I dragged her across the room, throwing her down on my pallet, pinning her to it as I pulled up her leather skirt.
"Stop," she whispered. I froze. Her voice sounded so wrong. Small, and afraid. Not like her at all. I looked down at her face, truly seeing her without the red haze of anger that had blinded me. Her face was pale, her eyes wide, and there was a look in her eyes I hadn’t seen since we were children. Absolute terror. Her expression was like a bucket of cold water. I stumbled back, horror washing over me as I realized what I'd almost done. I’d told myself she wanted it too, that if I just showed her how I felt, she’d come to me, want me.
I staggered backwards, my hands shaking as the reality of what I'd almost done crashed over me. Livia sat up slowly, her eyes never leaving my face. The fear was fading, replaced by something worse - pity.
"Sep..." she said softly, reaching out a hand.
I flinched away from her touch. "Don't," I choked out. "Just... don't. I’m a monster."
Shame burned through me, making it hard to breathe. I'd sworn to protect her, and instead I'd become the very thing I'd tried to shield her from. I was no better than Drusus, no better than any of the men who'd used her over the years.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, the words feeling wholly inadequate. "Gods, Livia, I'm so sorry."
I watched helplessly as she stood, smoothing her clothes with trembling fingers. She wouldn't meet my eyes. The silence stretched between us, heavy and suffocating.
"What happened to you?" she asked, her voice barely audible. "When did you become... this?"
I couldn't meet her eyes. "I don't know," I said honestly. "I just... I couldn't stand seeing you with him. With any of them. It was driving me mad."
"So you thought forcing yourself on me was the answer?" There was no anger in her voice, just a deep, crushing sadness.
"No! I didn't... I wasn't thinking clearly. I just wanted...I didn’t mean to…"
"Didn't you?" Her voice was flat, emotionless. She looked at me then, and the emptiness in her eyes was worse than any anger or hatred. "You said it yourself. You're tired of pretending."
I flinched. "That's not what I meant. Livia, please, I’m so sorry. I lost control. I never meant to hurt you. I would never..."
"But you did," she said softly. "You did hurt me, Sep. Not just physically. You betrayed my trust."
Her words hit me like a physical blow. I sank down onto the edge of the bed, my head in my hands. "I know," I whispered. "Gods, Livia, I know. I'm so sorry. I don't... I don't know how to make this right."
