Her whispered words from when she was seventeen have fucking haunted me. They are the reason why I kept her in the friendzone, something I should have done last night but fuck, feeling her lips against mine, her body molding into me, fitting perfectly, I couldn’t walk away even if I tried and even the thought of having another touch me makes me fucking sick.
I look up in the mirror, my Ivy angel wings tattoo over my heart just peeking out taking my focus, something I don’t think Ivy noticed last night, as true, gut-wrenching fear hits me.
“Fuck, I’m about to lose her.” I choke and hang my head again, breathing heavily.
I know Ivy, she wouldn’t have given herself to me, basically throw herself at me knowing it would affect our friendship if she didn’t see a future with me and while yes, I’m fucking elated that she feels the same way, my heart fucking hurts knowing I need to push her away so she doesn’t throw her dreams away for me because in the end, she’ll resent me for it.
Heck, maybe if I let her go now, she’ll return to me, right?
I squeeze the counter tighter as my stomach tightens. I know I need to go out there, I know she’s most likely awake now and I am dressed in my usual jeans and tank, ready for the day, yet I can’t fucking move.
Five times, five fucking times we slept together last night, three of those times, I had my mouth over her pussy, tasting her and now I’ve got to convince her last night was mistake.
How in the fuck do I lie to the woman I’ve been in love with for six years, maybe even longer?
But if she believes there’s a future, she’ll stay, and I’ll lose her anyway. It won’t give her the option to see she needs me like I need her.
Swallowing hard, I push off the counter and open the door, not wanting to prolong this, but pause when I see Ivy sitting on my bed wearing my shirt from yesterday over her dress, her hair back up in a messy bun, looking down at her linked fingers on her lap.
Fuck she’s beautiful and I can’t do this. Shit.
“Let me guess, last night was a mistake?” she whispers, and I look down, trying to swallow the lump forming.
I lean against the door frame, cross my arms over my chest, clear my throat, and deny, “No, it wasn’t a mistake,” unable to lie to her.
She looks my way and confirms, “But it won’t be happening again, though, right?”
I grind my back teeth, trying to control my emotions at the glistening in her eyes.
I know this is the right thing to do, and, in the end, she will agree with me, but again, I won’t lie to her. I think it’s time she understood exactly how much she really means to me.
“I love you, Ivy,” I admit but she doesn’t say anything, probably thinking I mean as a friend, so I add, “I love you with my whole fucking being, I have for a very long time, probably way before I should have.”
“But we can’t be together,” she whispers, and I flinch, hating that it's the truth, unless she comes back to me after living her best life.
And I will be waiting for her, though; no more club girls, strippers, or one-night stands. She is my only from here on out because no woman will ever match up to her, and I’m not willing to try, not anymore.
“No, we can’t,” I rasp. “I love you, Ivy. I always have, but this has to be a one-time thing. It can’t happen again, and I uh, I think we should go back to how we were before last night.”
It’s a pipe dream, I know it, and so does she.
She shakes her head and chokes, “Do you really believe we can go back to how we were after last night?”
Fuck, I’ve lost her, I know I have.
Sniffing hard to try and control my emotions, I push off the wall and walk over to her. I kneel when in front of her before cupping her cheeks and our eyes lock and the look of pain in hers fucking hurt so much, I’m struggling to catch my breath.
“You have plans, cupcake, big fucking plans that don’t involve me,” I remind her, and my eyes race between hers as I state, “Friends is all we can be because I refuse to hold you back, I refuse to push this life on you when you deserve the world.” I swallow hard, “While yeah, I think last night shouldn’t have happened,” she flinches, “I don’t regret it.”
“Yet you won’t fight for me,” she replies, and this time I flinch.
I admit, “If I knew this life was the one you wanted, I would fight tooth and nail to have you here wearing my cut and standing by my side. Something I can promise you I have always wanted but Ivy, you don’t see yourself within the club, you don’t trust us,” she furrows her brows and I remind her, “You never told any of us what you were studying or the fact you wanted to work with cars and since your dad fucked up, you’ve pulled back from the club, from me.”
“So this has nothing to do with the fact that having an old lady wasn’t on the cards for you because of the brotherhood?” she questions, and I nod.
“Partly, yeah, it is. Brothers fuck up a lot and it would kill me if I ended up with an ego that could hurt you and if I knew I could live without them, without our family. If I knew I could live with letting Blade down then I would hand my cut in today for you, but I can’t, you know I can’t, the club is in my blood,” I admit, and a few tears drop on her soft skin.
I fucking hate myself, absolutely hate myself.
