But he knew. Because he wasn’t a naive child. As he said, he was an adult.
“He left two days ago, and you’ve barely moved,” he said, his voice no longer holding the light-hearted tone it so often did. When I still didn't reply, he sighed, running a hand through his scruffy brown hair.
“I remember being so confused when I found out we’d lived in Australia before moving here. I guess my memory of the place didn’t last too long and I was so jealous. I couldn’t believe that you guys had so many memories of living there when I couldn’t remember anything before Canada.” I hung on to his every word. Blake was never serious, always a joke locked and loaded, some deathly banter ready to kill any conversation which might evoke real feelings.
Only now, he looked sad, worried even. Was he worried about me?
“And one afternoon after school, Mum was cleaning out the garage and I saw her reading that blue diary you found. When she told me what it was about and how much she loved Aunty Ashleigh, I askedher why we moved here then. Why we didn’t stay in Australia, and she’d said, ‘because I followed love,’ as if I had any idea what that meant as a seven year old. As if it was perfectly simple.”
I was frozen, the blanket pulled taut under my chin, my tear rimmed eyes blurry as I blinked, allowing them to fall.
“And I’m not sure I ever really knew what she meant. Until I saw your face after Corbin left. It was not even remotely like the way you looked when he was here. Shelbs, I’ve never seen you as happy as you’ve been in the last week. And now that he has gone…” he trailed off.
“Have you smelt yourself,” he asked after a few seconds passed, his mockery back.
I subtly tried to sniff my armpits while I replayed what he said.
Mum followed love. Dad had wanted to move here, and she’d followed, knowing it would uproot her entire life and take her away from her family and her best-friend. She’d chosen love, and it was something she never regretted, because it meant she had more time with Dad. The man she loved.
“It’s okay to choose love, Shelby. I would if I was ever stupid enough to let it happen. Which I’m not,” he said with a laugh.
I stared at him, wondering when the heck my little brother had become a man. A man who appeared to know way more than I did. A man who didn’t need his sister watching out for him, because he was doing just fine.
“Cole is going to be here in half an hour, so can you please go shower,” he said, as he comfortingly tapped me on the head as he passed. “And maybe wash your hair,” he added with another laugh, and I sighed, still refusing to give him any inclination that I’d listened.
Only his words had penetrated the bubble I’d cocooned myself within since I’d stood on my porch and watched as the car holding the man I loved turned the corner.
Turning the television off, I stood, watching as crumbs from the last two days fell to the floor. My head spun from the movement, already foreign after laying sedentary for so long.
Had I made a huge mistake in letting Corbin leave?
Leave without telling him I loved him? Letting him leave without me? He’d blindly followed me here when he knew I needed someone. He’d come with me across the country, purely to support me when I didn’t even realise I needed a friend. And I’d given him nothing. I’d taken him for granted for some misguided need to care for someone who didn’t need me the way I thought.
With a deep sigh I headed towards my room.
I wanted to thank Blake, to hug him and tell him I loved him, and to apologise. Tell him I was sorry if I was overbearing or forceful, knowing I’d likely thrown myself into caring for him as a way of admitting I really didn’t have much else in my life which brought me joy.
For the last two days though, the roles had switched, and he’d cared for me. And I think what scared me the most was underneath his jokes, I could tell he was worried about me.
And that was the last thing I wanted. I was sad and a little broken, but I would be okay. I’d experienced heartbreak before. I’d grieved the loss of both of my parents, and I’d come out stronger.
Only this felt different.
This was something I’d knowingly chosen. Knowingly allowed - and for what reason.
Blake was right. I was living a life haunted by the possibility he might need something. He was my responsibility, and I’d promised Mum I would always look out for him. Only now, I really wasn’t upholding my end of the bargain, and he was looking out for me.
Looking at the state of the living room, I shook my head.
I really was a mess, and I definitely needed a shower. I would start there. Then I would tidy this house and decide what the next couple of days were going to look like before we entered another newyear. I would also need to call Corbin at some point, but that seemed insurmountable now.
Hygiene first.
One thing at a time.
After a long shower, three bouts of shampoo and a fresh pair of clothes, I tidied the house. I lit some candles and fluffed the pillows. I turned the music up as loud as it would go and sang my heart out to all the songs we’d listened to while we traipsed the beautiful roads of Australia. I thought about Corbin and the moments we’d shared. I thought about what Blake said and how right he really was. I thought about the things I was too scared to admit and those I needed to confess. Only I wasn’t even sure where to begin.
Reaching for my supplies, I planted myself on my freshly made bed, a stick of incense burning, and I coloured until I drifted off into the first restful sleep I’d had in almost three days.
