Only this was anything but that.
Too much had changed since we said hello with a wave and an unsure smile. Within three months, we’d blurred into one, the friendship had morphed into more and in a few minutes – nothing. The bandage was about to be ripped off with not a care plan in sight.
As soon as I placed her back on the floor she pounced, her mouth on mine, her hands around my neck and I easily fell into the familiar dance. Around her I was insatiable and when she reached for my belt, the only thing stopping me from taking her on the floor right now was the sound of a car horn, indicating it was time for me to leave. I wanted to ignore it, my need for her was more important than anything else, including a damn flight, but we both knew this was inevitable. Eventually I would have to say goodbye and return to my life because we’d let the possibility of more pass us by.
“Guess I better go,” I said, running a hand over my hair. She walked to the front door and signalled to the driver I would be a minute.
“Thank you for spending your leave with me,” she smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes, and I ached to alleviate her pain. If she begged me to stay, I would have, that, I was sure.
But she wouldn’t, because it meant admitting things I’m not sure either of us were ready for. She prided herself on her stoicism. Theability to be the one who cared for those around her, always strong, always brave. That fucking mask she wore was eating at me and I wanted to rip it free and beg her to tell me what she was really thinking. What she was really feeling.
“Shelby,” I started.
“Don’t!” She said, her head shaking quickly, her eyes begging me not to push as she wiped a stray tear. “Please don’t,” she pleaded, this time with finality.
“Yep,” I nodded, the frustration evident in my tone. She’d avoided the conversation anytime I tried, and it was nearly comical at how our roles had reversed. Just a few months ago I was the quiet one and she spoke her truths like water through a sieve. Easily, freely, uncontrollably.
Only now, I was the one wanting to lay my cards on the table, and she refused to play. Telling me enough about how one-sided this was.
“Well, thanks for being my tour guide.” She bit her lower lip and nodded. A subtle acknowledgment of my words, but I could tell my deliberate understatement of what this was stung.
“Sorry we didn’t get to see more,” she said with a small smile.
Neither of us were going to admit how we felt, the weight of unspoken love and loss hanging heavier than the goodbye.
I searched her eyes one final time, my chest aching with the weight of everything I couldn’t say. The air was thick with the weight of missed chances, but the words wouldn’t come. Both of us pretending this was just another farewell, despite our souls already knowing better.
“I better go.” The fight left my voice and I … I want to stay lingered, unspoken in the air. I ached to tell her, to shake her until she saw reason, my eyes shining with everything left unsaid.
“Message me when you land.” She opened the front door and the cold swept in as I stepped out with my suitcase in tow. With a brief final kiss to those lips which would forever haunt my dreams, I swept a thumb across her cheek and did my best to ignore the tears lining her face, matching my own.
How did we come to this?
“It’s frostbite weather out here,” I shivered, and she smiled sadly.
“You were built for beaches, my friend.”
Turning, I carried my luggage to the awaiting car and hopped inside, looking back towards where she still stood on the porch. She looked beautiful, the house lit with warmth and memories and the white blanketed ground only making the final sight of her more picturesque.
With a small wave, the car pulled away – away from what could have been, away from the most wholesome thing I’d ever experienced. Something we didn’t even have the courage to name.
I kept my eyes on her until we turned the corner, and she hadn’t moved, still standing there, holding my heart like it was always meant to be in her hands.
I was four drinks in when I remembered the gift Shelby gave me for Christmas. There was still another thirty minutes until we landed, and it couldn’t come soon enough. Even the shots of liquor were doing nothing other than making me feel more restless.
As I boarded, I’d been worried about the flight, terrified of doing this alone and the infinite possibilities while in the air completely at the mercy of a pilot I’d never met – but that didn’t last long. My mindwas more focused on the woman I’d left behind and how I was going to live without thinking about her every damn second. As it was, she’d distracted me from having a panic attack, without even being near me. She was everywhere, in everything, and the farther I went, the sharper the longing cut. The angrier I became at myself, at the situation, at how fucking far apart our worlds truly were.
I rifled through my backpack, retrieving the small package and placing my drink on the tray. When I opened the wrapping to discover Aunt Talia’s blue diary, I was confused. I flicked through the pages which depicted the travels of her and my mother all those years ago and glanced out the window, careful not to read anything. Shelb had read me parts already and I was certain there were things a son should not be reading about his mother and aunt, but the photos I could scan. I’d already seen some of those and I quickly flipped through, hovering over those which matched the places we too visited. My confusion as to why she chose to give this to me was only answered when Aunt Talia’s scrawl ended and what were once blank pages, were now filled by a new hand. Recently written and in a handwriting I recognised instantly.
I exhaled deeply through my nose as I followed our recent journey across Australia, random polaroids accompanying each entry. Pictures of me while I drove, while I slept or while I looked out at the ocean, completely oblivious to the sneaky little photographer behind me. A different crayon was used on each page to indicate the way she felt on any given entry. I ran my hand across the pages, devouring her words until I came to the final one. Written after the first time I had her underneath the stars of the east coast of Australia. I still remembered the sound of the waves crashing along the shore in front of us, the whizz of cars passing on the highway behind.
And her.
Effortlessly beautiful with her blue stained lips from the cocktails, those eyes which could see into my soul and the feel of her wrapped around me as we both shattered at the same time. A night I was never going to forget because sex wasn’t like that. At least not for me. She took me, held me and matched me like no other. It was as if she was made just for me, the other half needed to make us whole.
Reading about that night from her perspective was something else though.
Screaming. Crying. Throwing up. All in excitement of course. Because Corbin and I justfucked. Actually, that’s not true. That takes away from the beauty of it all, the beauty of him. Tonight, I was made to feel like a woman in a way I’ve never been made to feel before. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine a pleasure like that, and I am certain it wasn’t just the cocktails, the gorgeous setting or that body. Holy shit, where has he been hiding that?! And that tongue! Holy mother of all that is good! Anyway, sidetracked…
