It was him. Corbin. He was attuned to my body as if he felt what I did, as if giving me pleasure brought him pleasure. As if he would rather die than not taste me right then in the middle of nowhere on the back of his truck.
Sexy enough in itself - we all dream of this scene playing out - only this was different. This was life changing and I’m not sure how I will wake up tomorrow without telling him that. Telling him there is a part of me that has always longed for him to be not just my first kiss but my first everything. That I’ve never felt entirely whole in Canada, because part of me was still back there with him. Even sending letters as kids, video calling as teens and sharing text exchanges as adults only solidified my reliance on having him as my person. Without telling him he is always my first thought in the morning and my lastat night and has been for as long as I can remember - even with all the miles between us.
Mum would often say I dreamed of him and when I would deny her claims with forced horror, she would quietly whisper that she heard me call his name. Almost every night, even in my sleep, I called for him. And now, I know why. Because Corbin is my one true soul mate. And making love to him was always in our cards, only it took us far too long to get there.
I wonder if Mum planned it all along. If she is looking down on us now with a smile on her face, telling me, ‘Told ya so.’ I wouldn’t even be mad, because she was right, my soul did call for him, and I would never again be the same.
Now that I know what he looks like when he loses himself it will forever be what I think about on those lonely nights. When I slip my hands beneath my sleep shorts and touch myself, it will be to Corbin. To his slightly furrowed brow and parted lips, the undiluted intensity in his eyes and hunger in his touch.
He is my new forever and no one will ever come close to making me feel the way he does.
Fuck.
Snapping the diary closed, I put it back in my bag while I waited for the realtor to return. This was the final space to look at and we were none from three. I was going to have to call Old Ed and let him know New York was a bust. None of the offices were big enough and their locations were never going to scream affluent. Wedealt with high-profile clients which meant our offices needed to reflect the same and I wasn’t sure where he’d found these listings, but he’d been duped. They were studio apartments at best hidden beneath piles of garbage and slapped with a subpar coat of paint.
I glanced at my forearm, the tattoo now healed. I ran my finger over the backward ess, smiling at both the memory from our childhood, and the day we got them. The dare in her eyes when she suggested we do something crazy to forever remember our trip – as if I’d be able to forget. The widening of her eyes and intake of breath before she broke into a fully-fledged grin when I called her bluff and told her I would if she did.
But I wasn’t prepared for how much I would fucking love seeing my initial forever marked on her skin. She’d chosen her hip and anytime her sleep shirt rose, or I stripped her bare, a carnal longing coursed through me. It was her idea, she had the photo, and once we walked out of the tattoo parlour, each wearing the same memory, the magnetic pull between us only solidified.
Mum had worried we might find travelling together difficult. Even mentioning her and Aunt Talia having their quarrels, but at no point did Shelby frustrate me. Even when she unintentionally ordered laced desserts or booked us accommodation in the armpit of the world, I could only shake my head and laugh. She was so unapologetically herself that being with her for so long only created a primitive urge for more. An obsession I wasn’t sure I would be able to recover from.
And now, re-reading her depiction for the fiftieth time of our first night together, and what it meant to her, confused me more. Words I have longed to hear fall from her lips memorialised in ink.
I cycled between disillusionment, anger and shock and had been since I first read it two days ago. Why would she give this to me and only allow me to open it once I left.
What did this fucking mean? Did she love me? Because I sure as shit fucking loved her and should have told her every single time I thought it. Only I hadn’t. I’d taken something I so desperately wanted for far too long and refused to acknowledge why.
With so many things to say, I’d called her the second I landed, ready to confess my love.
The moment her face filled the screen, any lingering unease from the flight slipped away, as did the courage in asking if her words changed things. If I was stupid in thinking there was a chance we could be more, have more and if this gift was her telling me this. Her eyes were red, and I knew she’d been crying, but when I asked, she only waved me off and said she’d been watching a movie. We both knew her excuse was total bullshit, but as per our relationship, neither of us admitted the truth. The simmering energy between us was always unspoken, portrayed only in the insatiable desire of our bodies but now that we were again an ocean away the disconnect was there.
“It’s no good,” I said, finally back in my hotel room and ready as all hell to get home. I wasn’t interested in seeing New York or spending another unnecessary day here. “None of them are going to work,” I exhaled heavily.
I was exhausted, which made no sense given I was coming off three months of leave. I should have been refreshed and ready to get back into the things I loved. Work, chasing clients, restructuring and brokering deals for Titan. Only that wasn’t what I loved anymore, and I could ignore it as much as I wanted, but the frustration of everything unsaid was festering, making itself more and more known by the second.
“Thought as much,” the old man sighed. “I have a few more contacts but none of them are going to be open until the new year. How do you feel about watching the ball drop?”
My groan was audible. The idea of remaining in this city, alone and for New Years Eve was more depressing than getting on a sixteen-hour flight home.
“You alright, Corbin?” Old Ed sounded concerned which was no surprise. For ten years I’d been the dutiful employee, doing exactly as I was told with no complaints. I’d never really had reason to challenge any decisions made as they always aligned with my own thoughts. It was partially why I’d never jumped ship even when our competitors had offered me generous financial incentives to do so. I liked and respected Titan and their employee first ethical practices. Only now, I wasn’t so keen to do the thing that had been in the works for months. It was never going to be anyone but me who spearheaded the new office. I was the obvious choice, and it was something I was hungry for and proud to lead. Only, lately, my tastes had changed, and I was craving something else. Someone else.
“I’m good,” I lied, not wanting to unpack my thoughts with myself let alone my seventy-five-year-old employer. Especially one who’d been married four times and spent each marriage having an affair with his job. I never considered myself someone who would find a partner and I could deny it until the cows came home, but that was no longer the case.
I was fucked.
“The world reopens on the 6th of January. Come home and we can look at some more locations later in January?” He was asking, rather than directing and I pondered. When I’d landed in New York, I thought one of these places would be my new office, this city my new home. Only now things had changed. The fast-paced upheavalwhich I’d thought was going to occur, wasn’t, and it left me feeling aimless. I scratched along my jaw, the facial hair longer than I’d ever worn it, and if my parents could see me now, they’d be concerned for my health. Heck, I was concerned, but not for my wellbeing. More for my priorities and what it was going to mean if I continued to act like a coward.
Tapping the diary against my thigh I considered my options. Sure, I could fly home and return to wherever else Old Ed decided might be a potential space for our new chapter. I could ignore the nausea swirling in my gut around another long flight only to do it again in a few weeks to a new part of the world which didn’t interest me.
Or I could do what I wanted to do. What my heart was screaming for me to do and had been since I left The Valley only two days prior.
“Do you think I could extend my leave?” I asked before I changed my mind. “Call me in the middle of January and we'll go from there?” I added, hoping to sweeten the proposal.
“I don’t see why not. I need to find us some new locations anyway. Give me a buzz in the new year and we can chat more.” He said, the sound of his keyboard telling me he was already going to start searching rather than heading home to his family. Marriage number five was probably going to happen sooner rather than later if he kept that lifestyle going.
“Thanks,” I said, surprised at his quick agreeance, suddenly feeling untethered and uncertain.
There were two days until New Years Eve and the airport was going to be manic, with flights limited. I needed to get out of here as soon as possible. Although, at this point, with clarity rising louder than any hesitation, I would swim to Canada if I had to because the truth was heavier than any excuse and I needed to tell her.
