Luke
Surf'supandScottyand I are out in it again. It’s going to be another hot, sunny Florida day, and the waves are working their magic on me. We've been out in the surf twice a day since I arrived a week ago. Early in the morning and again late in the afternoon.
The first few nights at Scotty’s were rough. The new vivid version of my nightmare invaded my nights, and each night I woke shouting, clutching at the bed to stop me from falling in a fiery helicopter crash.
Scotty knew I was struggling. I guess my shouting was waking him up most nights. I feel bad my night terrors were affecting him but grateful he wanted me here. Especially grateful for each time he's dragged me out and stopped me from sinking into the darkness ominously inhabiting my head.
Slowly the ocean is healing me. Each time I feel the burn in my shoulder muscles as I paddle out. Each time I sit on my board in the sea, waiting for the right wave to roll through. Each time I stand and a wave lifts me, and carries me to the shore. The chance of another panic attack recedes.
Blake flew down on Friday, and not long after Parker, Tim, and Ben arrived to stay for the weekend. Unfortunately, Will is still deployed to Iraq, so he couldn’t join us, but his on-the-ground knowledge there has helped us to get more details of the crash. Those details won’t be released publicly for some time, but they confirm it was a mechanical failure, not pilot error. A relief for us and Johno’s family.
This is what we do when shit happens. We fly in from wherever and face it together. We help each other, supporting our brothers. It’s how we were trained and how we continue to live in the brotherhood.
On Saturday morning, the six of us paddled out on boards at dawn to honor Johno. Our own private memorial for him. We surfed together, doing the thing he loved to do. As a group and privately, we each said goodbye to our mate.
Having all the guys around this weekend has been good for both Scotty and me. I’m still getting the nightmare, but it’s the old familiar version of the nightmare, not the new terrifying one. I can cope with the old nightmare, after all I’ve lived with it on and off for five years.
Blake is going to stay the week working from Scotty’s condo, and then we'll fly back together to New York on Sunday. Scotty sadly will be traveling to Australia next week as he wants to be there when Johno’s body is returned home to his family. He has some tough times ahead, so we'll support him this week as much as we can.
A little later in the morning after our surf and breakfast, Scotty, Blake, and I are back in the gym. We've been hitting the gym hard the last couple of days. Scotty’s condo has a damn good gym setup. It’s better than my local one in Manhattan. I’ve learnt over the years the best way to keep my head straight is to keep physically strong, so I’ve been going all out, upping my weights and reps.
My muscles are burning from this morning's surf and gym session as we walk back down to the beach for a cool down swim. Kicking off our sneakers and socks, Blake and Scotty strip off their shirts and run straight into the surf in gym shorts.
I hesitate before deciding to keep my shirt on for the swim. While it’s mid-morning on a Monday and there are not many on the beach today, I still don’t like to take my shirt off in public. I’m not comfortable with the stares my scars attract.
Blake and I emerge from the refreshing water long before Scotty who seems to be doing a bit of an ocean swim. I think we should call him Aquaman, as he spends so much time in the water between surfing and swimming.
As we dry off, I notice Blake watching me a little too intently, and I get the feeling he's got questions. “Is there something you want to say?”
Blake knows I’ve called him out. “Just thinking you seem better today.”
“Yep, I know I’m a handsome rooster, and you can’t stop checking me out,” I joke.
“And that smartass comment is exactly my point. It’s good to see you coming back. I’m glad. You had me worried,” he comments, all joking aside.
Picking up on his serious vibe, I answer truthfully as this is one person I don’t need to pretend with. “Not quite there, man, but you’re right I’m coming back. This place is a great healer.”
“Still having the nightmares?”
Blake is well aware of my nightmares and what triggers them.
“Yep, but they’re not as bad, so I’m managing to get some sleep now.” Getting a few hours’ sleep a night is helping.
He nods his head in acknowledgement. “Good, man. I know you said you were coming back to work next week but let me know if you think you need more time off. The beach house is free, so you can stay there if you need longer. I told Bec last week to postpone all your non-urgent meetings till further notice, and she rescheduled the urgent ones with me.”
He's such a good friend and I’m lucky he's my business partner too. I know he'll handle the business for us till I'm able to return to the office, but I feel bad it's all landing on his shoulders because I can't get my shit together.
“Thanks, Blake. I appreciate it. I guess Bec knows what happened and can help too.”
“Not really, I haven’t spoken to her other than to rearrange the meetings.”
I stare at him, stunned. Then watch as he bends to pick up his towel, rolls it and packs it in his gym bag. Interesting as I know he and Bec are close friends. Well, I'd thought they were.
I feel bad I haven’t thought to call Bec and explain what happened or at least why I disappeared so suddenly.
A sharper guilty spike of pain pokes at my heart when I think about Cassie. It's worse that I haven't called her.
“You know you can tell Bec. I trust her to keep my personal issues private. I think maybe you should talk to her for you too. Not only for me.”
