I might have agreed to meet him but I’m not ready to do this yet. It’s only been a couple of days since I learned we were living in the same city. I need some more time to process all of this before committing to a day. At least this time around with Luke, I'm calling the shots and hopefully I'll not cede any of my control back to him.
Shifting into a more comfortable position on the sofa I decide it's time to rein in my overactive thoughts before bed and call my mom. Chatting to Mom brightens my day. Her craziness oddly has the effect of making me feel calm.
She answers and immediately launches into her usual whacky storytelling, jumping from one topic to the next as she delivers all the family news. It works. I’m smiling and laughing as she describes the latest mischievous antics of our dog.
Of course, she asks for an update about Luke, and I confess he has been in touch. I tell her I've arranged to meet up with him. Seriously does she need to squeal in delight so close to the phone?
I suspect she's going to be disappointed when nothing comes of it.
Chapter 8
Luke
Overthefirsthurdle,I think. Cassie has finally decided to meet me. When is the burning question? I’m hoping the delay won't give her an opportunity to change her mind.
At least I have some time to get my thoughts in order before we meet. Time, I need to find the words to try to explain why I did what I did. Well, at least what went wrong with my head back then. I know she doesn’t really want to see me. I get it. And she sure as hell will not want to hear excuses, so I drop my head back on my sofa, trying to pinpoint exactly when things went wrong between us.
I guess it was a gradual drifting apart and by the time I was being sent on my first overseas deployment, it had been months since I had seen her. Our long-distance relationship was showing early signs of cracks. It wasn’t working, and we were slowly breaking up even if we didn't realize it at the time.
Landing in Afghanistan tipped the balance. It was a place of destruction and death, so removed from Florida and Cassie's life at college. I felt guilty when we did speak as it was usually a rushed, crackly call on a time limit.
The gulf between us was widening further, not only by the thousands of miles physically separating us but by the different lives we were living. The gap was too wide to bridge, and I wrote the letter. The letter which made the break real and final.
Soon after sending the letter, I knew I’d seriously fucked up. Madison emailed me. She said Cass was devastated by our breakup and didn’t hold back in telling me what a fucking idiot she thought I was.
The letter changed everything.
All I can do now is say sorry to Cassie for all the heartbreak I caused. It's too late for anything else.
Eight Years Before, Kabul, Afghanistan
This place is a shithole. Camp Eggers, the US base in Kabul, Afghanistan, is currently my home away from home. I’ve been six weeks in this fucked up country and it feels like forever. Well, forever since I had a decent night’s sleep. It’s so fucking noisy in this place, twenty-four seven.
Lying back on my top bunk, hands behind my head, I’m trying to catch somequietalone time. It’s not easy with the constant drone of generators, air conditioners, Afghans outside the base going about their daily lives and calls to pray, and planes flying overhead.
I shouldn’t complain as compared to the FOB, forward operating base, we spent some time at last week, this base is luxury.
Home back in the States is another life away. A life, that a little over a year ago was filled with carefree fun days at the beach with Cassie and my friends. Swimming in the ocean, catching waves. Grabbing food to go and eating it in the cool, salty evening breeze beachside. Laying on the sand, touching Cassie’s sun-kissed soft skin.
What I would give to breathe some fresh sea air.
Today, memories of Cassie are so far out of my reach. Before arriving in Afghanistan, I thought about her all the time. Easy to do when we were only a couple of states away, and she still felt close. Here Cassie is out of place and out of reach, even in my mind.
I can’t remember her smell which reminded me of a summer’s day. All that fills my nostrils now are the smells of fetid rotten rubbish going off in the oppressive midday heat or at night the putrid smell of burning rubbish as the locals try to stay warm through the cold, dark nights.
I can’t remember her beautiful blue eyes. All I see now are the terror-filled soulless eyes of the women through their niqab. The hate-filled dark eyes of the Afghan men, ever watchful as we walk through the villages on foot patrol. The sad, lost eyes of the local children. The eyes of my fellow soldiers who have seen too many dead bodies already.
Blake storms into our shoebox size room, angrily slamming the door, before dropping onto his bunk below me.
“This place is fucked up,” he rages.
We have started preparations for a counterterrorism mission coming up in Kandahar province. It’s a hot zone and it has the whole team on edge. Even Blake, who is usually chill, is showing signs of stress.
I guess some shit has hit the fan. Again. He is taking the brunt of it as he has been assigned the role of platoon leader for this mission. I’ll have the role of forward observer, so I need to be on my game too, as one slip-up could cost lives.
Ignoring most of his bluster, I respond calmly, “I knew that day one when our convoy drove in through the gates. You always did seem a bit slow.” Acting the smartass to drop the tension level, I continue, “What’s chewing on your balls today?”
For once, he doesn’t rise to my baiting.
