Kendall sees me. Knows what I want. Leaning up on her tiptoes, she presses her lips against mine. A thousand, vapid thoughts course my mind as the kiss deepens. How long it’s been since I’ve fucked. How badly I want to see her naked. When was the last time I washed my sheets? Her hands wander my chest, my abs, back up to the sides of my face as she requests more of me. We back up to my bed and I pull her down on top of me. She straddles my waist and breaks away from the kiss at the same time. Her eyes are lazy, her lips rosy and plump from my teeth…my kiss. Kendall signs something.
“What? Say it so I can watch your lips,” I reply, dragging my hands over her thighs.
She talks slowly, and signs the same thing again.
I shake my head. “Kendall, I have condoms in my nightstand and lube in the kitchen cabinet next to my pots and pans. Anything else is a moot fucking point right now.” I run my hand over her high thigh and glide my fingers on the edge of her panties.
She scowls and says, “Kitchen?” Then she signs, “Why?”
I laugh. “Let’s get back to the point here. I’ve been waiting for a long time to have you. I have no clue what you said. I could pretend you said fuck me now, make sweet love to me, or take me to the promise land. Which one is right? One, two, or three?”
Kendall licks her lips and holds up four fingers. Sighing heavily, I fold my arms behind my head. “What’s option four?”
She signs something, her lips moving slowly as she goes. “As much as I hate to have your body off my dick, you need to go get the marker board because I have no fucking clue what you’re saying.” Frustrating deafness is tainting my wildest dreams at the moment. Kendall moves off me and grabs the fucking board. She buttons her pants before she writes, and my stomach turns.
“Please, God, do not get dressed,” I say as she writes. Kendall doesn’t look up. She bites her cheek and tries to ignore my pestering as I harp on her for taking too long. I decide not to move a muscle in hopes we resume where we left off before so I can’t see what she’s writing.
The board slides onto my lap and I catch it before it hits my deflating dick. “I want you to learn sign language and I’m not above using sex to get what I want. You need to learn. It’s been four months. The odds are not in your favor. The longer you wait, the longer you stay disconnected. Let me teach you. Please.” Her words ring of truth, yet my first thought is denial.
I sit up, quirking one brow. “You’re not going to have sex with me until I learn sign language?”
She looks coy as she shrugs and signs, “Maybe.” I know that one. Then she writes more on the board. I read as she goes this time. “I want you. I’ve always wanted you. Mostly when I shouldn’t have wanted you. Do I want to have sex with you right now?” Kendall meets my eyes and I see her answer. She nods furiously, and writes, “More than anything in the entire world, but I want to be able to communicate with you all of the time. That includes during sex. Please.” Fuck. When she puts it that way it makes me seem like a huge asshole.
“If I say no, what then?”
Her gaze skirts away—to the window. She erases slowly and writes, “I’ll leave. If you can’t do this for me. For yourself, then there’s no way we can build something together.”
I raise both brows. “Ultimatums, huh? Anyone ever tell you people don’t respond well to ultimatums?” The ship is sinking. Fast. I could lose her.
“You’ve forced my hand. I’ve tried everything. You’re learning. You recognize stuff already. It won’t be hard for you. Is that what you’re worried about? That it will be hard?” she writes quickly.
“No,” I say, standing from my bed. Pacing to the bedroom window I stand, hands perched on my hips. “If I learn sign language I’m giving up a part of myself, Kendall. How can you not understand? It’s like waving the white flag. I’m giving up the whole hearing world. I’m assuming the label of deaf man. It’s admitting defeat!” I lose my breath. Screaming the truth out loud forces me to reconcile what I feel with what I need. “Losing my whole identity is not attractive. It’s. It’s...horrifying. Everyone will stare at me trying to use my hands to talk. I’m used to holding weapons to protect our nation. Our freedom. It’s not a kind of normal I’m used to. It’s as if I’ll belong to a whole different world. One I never signed up for. That’s why I don’t want to learn.”
I can tell my words are upsetting Kendall. Her chest rises and falls as she fastens her hair back into a ponytail. She signs quickly, and like any foreign language, I pick up parts and pieces. Her eyes are narrowed and her lips form delicate shapes around her teeth as she lays into me. “I can only guess at what you’re saying right now,” I announce, cutting her off.
Kendall throws up her arms and takes residence in front of the marker board. Her hand shakes as she writes. “I can’t even fight with you properly. Don’t you get it? You need to join the world. I’m done writing notes on this stupid board. No one is judging you except yourself. And me, because of what a stubborn asshole you’re being. I’m going in to work. Do you want to come with me?”
That’s where she has the curriculum to teach me. If I say no, I’m another step closer to losing her. I hate that she’s right. I hate the bright sun beating down on her tear-filled eyes. I hate that I’m the reason she’s crying. Yes is on the tip of my tongue, but my pride speaks instead, “No. Just get out of here.”
Because there’s no curtains on my window, I get to watch Kendall tear out of my driveway. She doesn’t look back. I close my eyes and sink back into my mattress and pull the covers up to my chin.
