My camp is safe. I’m sure that’s what you really want to know. The second you leave the gates it’s a whole different ball game. The locals don’t want us here. Their bullets tell us so. They think we’re the enemy. Which is a joke because we’re trying to protect them from people who kill themselves without thinking twice. It’s fucking sick, really. We’re working on educating the people here (in between doing what we’re really here to do.) Maybe it will be safer one day, though I’m not sure if I’ll be around to see it.
A night out with the girls sounds like fucking trouble. You should go, though. They aren’t all bat-shit crazy…I promise. If you’re going out locally, I probably don’t have to worry about every swinging dick trying to bring you home. With a group of women that hot most guys just “know” without having to be told. In case they don’t, you should tell them your boyfriend packs heat—in the pants and on his hip and that he’s killed for smaller indiscretions. If that doesn’t scare them off, go get Morganna. Tell me more about these twenty-five blowjobs. Color me intrigued.
I’m sorry you’ve been sad. That’s a fact I could probably go without knowing, but I’m glad you told me all the same if only for the reason that you realize you never loved Nash. That comforts me in a weird, fucked up way that I’m ashamed of. I want all of you, Windsor…now and forever. I can’t control your past, but if I could, you would have always been mine to love.
Something you don’t know about me: I have an addictive personality—emphasis on addictive. That spans all areas of my life. Some things you could guess, because of how wrapped up I get with the things in life I pursue. But others you won’t know unless I tell you. Alcohol. I was the world’s most highly functioning alcoholic. You know about my bad past with my parents. Stone finally admitted to telling you about how they don’t agree with my life or my choices.
Don’t worry, I’m not mad or upset. I’m almost relieved. It makes it easier to admit this now. I drank to remember, Windsor. It was the only way I could remember the days when I had a loving family without tainting the past with their estrangement and the following bitterness. I’m better now—mainly because Stone has kept me this way for five years, but partly because it almost ruined my career—the one thing that’s always been steadfast and sure.
You’re my new steadfast so I want to be honest with you. Looking for my picturesque past at the bottom of a bottle only worked for so long. I was reckless with my life and the lives of those around me because of a fucking hang up. It even sounds ridiculous as I admit it now. At the time alcohol was the only thing that I felt I could control. I’d get really drunk and still be good at my job. It was like one more challenge I wanted to conquer. Before I knew it, I couldn’t work or live or breathe without a drink.
That’s when Stone stepped in like a muscular, tatted up, vagina-dicked angel. I love Stone for a million different reasons. He saved me when I couldn’t and didn’t want to save myself. I’ll owe him for the rest of my life. That’s what brothers are for though. I’d do the same for him. The person I am today wasn’t the person I was five years ago, Windsor. It’s been a progressive change leading up to the day I met you. The ascension of Thomas Maverick Hart was complete the night I looked into your blue eyes and you stuttered “no thank you.”
Selfishly, I’m asking you to accept this part of me, because it will always be a part of me whether you know it or not, unfortunately. It hurts because I know you deal with a family member with an alcohol problem. It’s not fair to you, but in the spirit of honesty—here it is…a snippet from my dark past. This got a little deeper than I intended. I’m better, but I’m not fixed.
My only addiction these days is you. I promise.
I wish it were your hand on my chest,
Maverick
P.S. I’ll see your sexy ass tomorrow. What I have planned for next week is even better than flowers. Just wait. Oh, and Goose can whine all damn night if he wants. We won’t be sleeping.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Windsor
I never get up this early. Ever. I’ve showered, put on makeup, and checked my Skype messenger fifty times anticipating Maverick’s screen name popping up. We’ve only spoken a few times on the phone over the course of the month. Mostly e-mails and small messaging chats here and there have comprised our communication.
He confessed some pretty dark things from his past that made me both scared and reassured, honestly. It doesn’t bother me that he was…is an alcoholic. Honestly, it explains a lot. The way he was with women before me being one of the things. He seems like a changed man for the most part. I know firsthand how slippery that slope can be.
I’ll be there for him though. As long as he needs me, I’ll be here. It’s also odd because it seems like Maverick is a person who could single-handedly save the world…and he needs saving. That’s what scares me. The things-aren’t-always-what-they-seem aspect of his confession. I wouldn’t have guessed that “something” about him.
My mother turned to the bottle for so long that I never knew anything was wrong with it until I was older. Maybe that’s it. It was never hidden. Maverick hid this from me. Did he hide it from everyone? From Stone? Did Stone stop him when he found out, or did he let it go on until it affected others? I won’t bring it up, because it doesn’t make a difference now. The past is the past. I, of all people, know that.
I haven’t seen his face, outside of photos, since the day he left. I push the black lacy lingerie down my thighs and run my fingers through my hair. I’m more nervous than I was the night I lost my virginity in high school. And that guy? He shook my hand to congratulate me on a job well done. So, you understand just how unusual this feeling is to me. I miss Maverick so much. Not just him, but everything about him. The way he looks at me, the way he handles the world around him so effortlessly. I miss the way he knows what I’m thinking even before I know. His lack of presence in my world leaves a gaping hole.
I take two of the throw pillows on my bed and puff them together to make them bigger, and climb onto my bed to continue my wait. I slipped Goose into Gretchen’s bed early this morning so I could have some privacy. He shouldn’t see what’s about to take place. Right?
TMH pops up on my list in a blaze of loud alerts and my stomach flips completely over. He types me a message the second he gets online.
TMH: You’re up? Good.
WinnieF: I’ve been up for a long time. I’m so nervous. Is your Internet connection good enough for a face call?
Please say yes. Please say yes. And if he says no, please don’t let me cry.
TMH: We’re a go. The door is locked, which means I slid a heavy box in front of it and I kicked everyone off the wifi in our hallway just to make sure the picture would be clear.
More stomach flipping. I smile the hugest smile and no one can even see it.
WinnieF: I miss you. I want to see your face.
Old school ringing blasts through my computer speakers.AcceptorDeclineboxes pop up on my screen. Please…as if there were ever a question.Click.A medium sized black box pops up in the center of my screen and my pulse skitters like crazy. I narrow my eyes and watch closely for the Nano-second when Maverick’s face appears. I realize he might be able to see me first so I make sure to smile. I cross my legs underneath me and take a deep breath. Maverick’s hairy face appears and it’s fuzzy at first, but grows clearer.
“I see you!” I squeal, clapping my hands together. His huge smile appears a few seconds later because of the delay.
“You are so fucking beautiful, Win. I can’t believe we haven’t done this yet. I need to see you all the time. Like this.” He reaches a hand out, like he’s trying to touch me and brings it down again.
