She didn’t know who she was apart from it either. She wasn’t blameless. As much as Will’s expectations had been too much for her to handle back then, her own had been the same.
She would have needed something from Will that she couldn’t even give to herself, and it had taken somebody outside of that union to look at her and see that she was falling apart.
That was all it was.
When the quiet desperation was coming from inside the house, neither of the people in it could truly hear it. They were too used to it at that point. Too accustomed to ignoring things.
“I will always be there for you,” he said. “Even when you are being a stubborn asshole and causing bar fights.”
“I like to think that I do neither of those things all that often. That was, in fact, the very first bar fight I even witnessed, much less caused.”
“But stubborn asshole is on-brand.”
“It is not! I am a lady.” She sniffed. “I keep my head down, and I make things easier and smoother for all. As Patricia Kent taught me to do.”
When she thought of her mom now, it was no longer the sharpest pain. In fact, it made her happy. Though there were things that she still wished she could say to her, and if ever the pain was sharp, it was because of that.
“You,” he said, “are a stubborn little cuss, who finds ways to get what she wants. Are you not out here on this road trip because you didn’t accept what Will told you?”
“Well,” she said, “sure. But…”
“Yeah. I thought so.”
“He is also off having sex with other women,” she pointed out.
Gross. She hadn’t really thought about that for a couple of days. She had put it behind her. And suddenly, a strange thought occurred to her. “Are you in touch with him?”
He shrugged. “As much as I ever am.”
“He’s texting you.”
“Yes. Occasionally.”
“About what I’m…doing?”
“No. Believe me. I have practice not talking to Will about you.”
The words were heavy and meaningful. For a moment, she sat there with them. She had written that moment off. She had definitely told herself that even if he was interested in the moment, it was a man thing. A function of his biology and nothing personal. But the way that he was talking about it now. The way that he remembered it. It made her wonder what he had actually felt then. He actually sat across from Will knowing that he was attracted to Will’s wife?
You figured out how to be around him for all these years without ever acknowledging that was your issue with him.
All right. She had done that. She was very good at that. She wasn’t necessarily proud of it. Right now she felt childish and foolish. But the explosion had happened, and they had both survived it. So she supposed there were worse things.
“Well. Has he told you…”
“No.” It was emphatic. “Even if he had, you’re separated.”
“Yes. I know. I said that I didn’t want to know. I don’t want to know. Maybe he decided to go back to church instead of whoring around.”
“Yeah, I think you have to go through a ho phase first. You have to be a sinner before you can repent.”
“Thank you for that.”
“I’m just saying.”
“Let’s go. Let’s go back to the motel. I’m exhausted. Riding that dumb mechanical bull wasdumb.” She wanted to flag her previous statement for word repetition and childishness, but sadly, she wasn’t writing a piece. She was living her life. And doing it sort of badly.
“Did you actually just ride it to get away from me?”
