“Me too. But maybe let’s get coffee. I hate morning sex anyway.”
The look he gave her spoke volumes. He had taken that as a challenge. She thrilled at that. Great. She was doing such a good job with the rational adult thing.
“Coffee,” she restated.
“Let me get my things.”
They drove through a coffee place. They didn’t stop. She figured that was for the best anyway. Better to have the conversation in the confines of the car than to actually talk about what had happened surrounded by a bunch of men who fancied themselves entrepreneurs, shouting into their phones, and college students and parents who had just completed school drop-off.
She was certain that was who would be in the coffee shop on a weekday morning. Coffee shops were the same all over the country. Probably all over the world.
“Why did that happen?”
“You don’t know?”
“I mean, I know from the standpoint of failures and self-control and human nature. But after what happened when we kissed, I don’t know. I don’t know how to do this. I’m not you, Logan. I haven’t had years’ worth of one-night stands bolstering me. I haven’t had time to explore the idea of sex without a relationship. Anyway, you were pretty dead set against doing anything like that with me.”
“No, I was dead-set against being something you wanted to do to get back at Will. But it turns out I wanted to have sex with you more than I wanted to make sure that wasn’t happening. Apparently I can be bought. I didn’t realize my self-respect was for sale, but there you go.”
She felt bad about that. She didn’t want him thinking that. And at the same time, she found it flattering that he had abandoned his principles for a chance to have her. That was a new feeling. She felt so specifically wanted by him, and it did things to her.
“I didn’t think of him at all. I just want you to know that. Not what he would think, and not how it was different. You know he’s the only man I’ve been with. Other than you. I’m still not comparing. I can’t.”
“Because you’re in love with him?”
“Because it’s not the same thing. This thing is not… I know it sounds crazy, because you also know that I got pregnant when I was in high school. Which speaks to a lack of control. But it isn’t the same. It’s not the same as being a teenager, and being led around by your hormones. It’s not hormones for me now. It’s chemistry. I’ve never experienced that with anyone but you. There’s a reason I almost kissed you when that went against everything that I believe in. Because I would’ve stayed with him. Until the end, I would’ve stayed with him. I never would’ve turned over any of those rocks. I wanted to kiss you so badly, Logan. I don’t want you to think that me turning away shortchanges what we had. The fact that it happened at all demonstrates how much I wanted you. How different it is. There is not another man on Earth who could have enticed me into that position. I was always so careful. I didn’t want to be careful with you. I remember all those moments of my family vacation with so much clarity. The moments where it was you and me. Where knowing you started to turn into something more.”
He made a grunting sound and accelerated.
“It’s true,” she said. “Look, I have no idea where I’m headed. But I do know that I’m not going back to Will.”
He turned to look at her. “You know that?”
She felt something break inside of her. “Yeah. I know that.”
For the first time since all of this started, she really felt like her marriage was over. She really knew that it was.
She couldn’t help it, a sob rose in her chest, and she didn’t even bother to hold back as tears spilled down her cheeks.
“I know he thinks him wanting to be with other people, or wanting more freedom, doesn’t mean he isn’t in love with me or our life. But…it does for me. This isn’t the same thing. I don’t want other people. I want you. Very specifically you. That doesn’t work. I can never have an open relationship. I’ll tell you that much. I can’t want two men at the same time. I can’t be with two at the same time. I can’t… I also need for this to be… I don’t know where I’m headed. That’s the thing. I eliminated the destination that I thought I was going to. It’s not with him anymore. I know that. But I don’t know where it is. I need to be okay with the uncertainty, and I am trying. I got so angry at you when you demanded to know after the kiss in Boston. I didn’t want to tell you that I wasn’t going to be with him just because I wanted you. Does that make sense? I didn’t want to lie. I didn’t want to choose something that felt good at the time, but that I would regret later. I wanted to give it space.”
She swallowed hard. “I wanted to make sure that when I told you something, it was true. Mostly I didn’t want to think about him at all. I’m just exhausted. From tearing my own life into pieces.”
“Are you giving me the this-is-all-I-have-to-offer-you speech?”
“Maybe. Except that shortchanges it too. But I’m a mess. And so is my whole life. Lucky you, having a front-row ticket to the whole thing. I am uncertain. I’m trying not to rush to make myself certain. Because that’s how I ended up where I am now.”
“I can handle that.”
“I mean, we’ll save money,” she said, looking out the window.
“How so?”
“We only need one room for the rest of the trip.”
“You think so?” he asked.
“I mean, we can play games, Logan, but we both know we’re going to end up back in bed. We might as well just accept it. I might not be able to see further ahead than tonight, but I know that I am going to jump you again.”
