The pain was so sharp she couldn’t catch her breath. It was all going to end, she thought. And there was nothing she could do to stop that from happening.
For a second, a voice in her head said that she could keep the pregnancy from him, at least for a little while. Maybe…
She pushed the voice away. No. She wouldn’t play that game. If nothing else, she wanted to be honest. Their relationship had begun in lies, but it would end with the truth. She had survived without Stone for most of her life. She could do it again. As for the baby, they would be fine together, she and her unborn child. She would make sure they were fine. She wasn’t the same meek, insignificant person she’d been six months ago. She’d grown and changed. She was strong. She would do well to remember that.
She drew in a deep breath for courage, then walked to the door separating her office from Stone’s. She knocked once, then let herself in.
He was on his computer. When he saw her, he looked up and smiled. The sunlight reflected on his dark hair. The unmarked side of his face was toward her, and as always, his pure male beauty took her breath away.
“How was the doctor’s appointment? I hope he didn’t make any advances.”
She sank into the chair opposite his desk and tried to smile. She wasn’t sure if she succeeded or not. “No advances. For one thing, most doctors are professional. For another, ‘he’ is a she.”
“Ah, a woman doctor. I’m glad. Seriously, that probably made the exam easier for you. So everything is all right?”
She knew how he meant the question so that was how she answered it. “I’m perfectly healthy.”
She stared down at her hands. Usually she wore a dress or skirt and blouse when she worked. Today, because of the doctor’s appointment, she’d dressed in tailored pants and a blouse. She fingered the linen blend. With Stone’s generous salary, she’d been able to afford pretty clothes. She’d paid off all her bills and the house, put some money away and had bought a new car. Currently the car payment along with utilities on the house in North Hollywood were her only steady bills. She wasn’t going to need much, which was good. She didn’t think she was going to have much.
“Cathy, what’s wrong?”
How well he could read her, she thought sadly, knowing that was just one thing she would miss about him. He’d always been able to sense what she was thinking. Of course, that wasn’t the only thing. There was the laughter, their intense discussions about business, the passion, the holding, the fact that someone somewhere knew where she was during the day and would miss her if she was late.
“I’ve been thinking about us,” she said at last. “About our future. Where exactly do you see this relationship going? The personal one, I mean. Not the professional.”
He hit the save key on his computer, then turned his chair and faced her. Not for the first time she wishedshehad the ability to readhismind. His expression didn’t give anything away. It remained pleasantly neutral.
“You’re seeking my thoughts on whether or not I see this as continuing indefinitely?” he asked.
His voice was low, almost formal. As if he were addressing a group, or giving a presentation.
She nodded. “Yes, that’s it.”
“I see.” He folded his hands together on top of the desk. “I care about you, Cathy. I think you know that. We’re good friends. We work well together and we live well together. I think that’s important.”
Her body felt as if it were being pierced by thousands of tiny arrows. In a way, there was no point in continuing the conversation. She already knew how it was going to end. But there was a part of her that needed to hear the words. If he spoke them, she would be able to remember them. She would be able to let go of her hope. But first she had to hear them, despite what that would do to her.
“You don’t love me,” she said.
“No.”
Something inside of her twisted up and died. Coldness swept through her. The room spun once, then stilled. She couldn’t breathe, but that seemed unimportant when compared with what he’d just told her.
“It’s not you,” he added. “Please, don’t take it personally. I couldn’t love anyone. I want things to be different. If I was able to change, I know it would be with you. I’m sorry.”
Yeah, her, too, she thought. So the fact that it wasn’t personal was supposed to make her feel better? “It feels very personal to me,” she managed to say, and was pleased when her voice didn’t shake.
“Cathy, no. Don’t take it that way. I…” His voice trailed off. “It’s because of Evelyn.”
That didn’t make sense. “You never loved her. I know you’re not in mourning for her. You told me that yourself.”
“I know and that’s true. The point is I should have. I owed her that.” He grimaced. “She was jealous. When I stopped—” He cleared his throat. “The physical side of our marriage deteriorated rapidly. After a while, she became convinced there was someone else. There wasn’t, but I couldn’t get her to believe me.”
His dark eyes focused on a past she couldn’t see. “I tried to make myself fall in love with her. I thought if I could just do that, everything would be fine. I learned that I couldn’t force it or bargain it into happening. I respected my wife, I enjoyed being with her, I loved her as deeply as I’ve ever loved anyone, but as a friend. Nothing more. Then we went to that damn party.”
He shook his head. “I wish I could tell you I was so drunk I didn’t know that woman was coming on to me, but I did know. I had no intention of following through when she kissed me. But I let her do it. I let myself be cornered by another woman and I let her kiss me. Then I kissed her back.” He rubbed his eyes. “The hell of it was, I got turned on.”
He dropped his hand and stared at her. “That’s what Evelyn saw. She saw me kissing another woman and when I pulled away, she saw that I was aroused. The last time we’d tried to make love, I couldn’t, but there I was, hot and ready for someone else.”
