My hand trembles as I reach for the phone that’s not on the nightstand. My brain reminds me I’d left it on the table before coming to bed. I push sweat-soaked hair from my face and glance at Ashton who sleeps on peacefully. I try to take heart in this—he wouldn’t be so at ease, even in sleep, if I’d messed up already, right?
The bed frame squeaks quietly when I carefully scoot to the edge of the mattress, and I move on silent footsteps toward the door. I close it behind me and slide the dimmer switch on the living room wall to half-power. The lights come on in a soft glow, and I scrub a hand over my eyes. My phone lays where I’d set it last night. Sighing, I busy myself with heating some water for tea.
Mug in hand ten minutes later, I sit on the couch, crossing my legs, and stare at the phone. The sun hasn’t even touched the horizon, the streetlights and silence warning me it’s too late—too early—to be awake. Holden is still asleep, and I don’t know if he even wants to hear from me right now. I’d turned him down, after all, and that always begets the end. An echoing voice in my mind repeats,He’s going to leave you, he doesn’t want you anymore, you screwed up. I wipe away the tear that slips free.
Losing Holden has always been a possibility, but he’d proved himself wonderful. He’s never demanded my attention, he’s always understood canceled phone calls and limited contact. He accepted so readily that Ashton has always been, and always will be, my number one priority. I squeeze my eyes closed and recall the week I spent in Franklin. The peace of no plans, nothing to do but spend time with Holden. The comfort of waking in his arms, going to bed whenever I wanted and spending time memorizing everything about him.
I want that back. All of it, all ofhim.
I know this isn’t Ashton’s fault. The child is an innocent victim of a selfish mother, and I can’t resent him for my life being upended. I can’t blame him for taking away possibilities. But damn it, I hate Katie for this situation.
Tears I tried to ignore break loose, and I sob with the mourning that consumes me. This is going to be the thing that destroys my relationship. I will be left alone to care for a child I didn’t bring into this world, and I will never find another man like Holden even if I search for the rest of my days. He’s a breed of his own: too kind and patient and caring. He’s irreplaceable.
Or maybe it’s because I love him more deeply than I’ve ever loved a partner. He has burrowed beneath my skin, fractured and dismantled all the walls I’ve kept firmly in place. I nearly drown in the truth that Holden is too perfect for me. I should have known from the beginning and walked away that day in the coffeeshop. I shouldn’t have given him my number and hopes of something more. Our friendship should never have happened, and this relationship? Should have never seen the light of day. I should have run like Hell that day.
“Uh-oh, An’ Dee thill!”
I jerk awake, blink blearily at the toddler standing next to the couch. My neck twinges when I sit upright, and I realize I fell asleep on the couch and, as Ashton pointed out in his sweet little voice, spilled tea on the floor. I push at his shoulder gently, and he takes a step backwards. Thanking him, I stand and hurry to the kitchen to grab paper towels. The stone floor is a blessing this morning, leaving no sign of the spill as I mop up the liquid.
Once the mess is cleaned, I buckle Ashton into his highchair and peel a banana for him. He’s just bitten off a chunk when someone knocks on the door. Dealla frowns and ambles to the entryway.
“Oof, you look like shit, babe.”
“Gee, thanks, Luci, I needed to hear that.”
Luci gives me a once-over then points with her empty hand toward the bathroom. “Go take a shower. Your coffee will be waiting for you.”
“What would I do without you?” I ask as I take the cup to suck up a mouthful of mocha.
“Have no life, mostly. Nowgo.”
I roll my eyes but do as ordered once she yanks the cup away. My spine protests when I lean down to turn on the tap. As the water warms, I undress and scrub my teeth clean. The shower helps ease the tension in my muscles, the pain in my joints, and I breathe out slowly as I relax beneath the spray. My thoughts finally stop running circles around each other; my head no longer swims with the uncertainty. I’ll be fine, no matter what.
By the time I step out of the shower, I feel steadier. I dress quickly then join Luci and Ashton in the living room. They’re playing with his plastic dinosaurs and building blocks, and I flop down onto the couch and reach for the iced mocha. Luci glances up from the pink T-rex.
“So what’d you tell him?”
“Damn, not even gonna give me a chance to indulge in some coffee first? Wait, is this why you’re here?”
“Yep.”
“I thought it was because you missed my face.”
“Of course I didn’t. I just needed the daily dose of your drama.”
I gape at my friend; there is rarely drama in my life that isn’t manufactured by outside sources. Then I remember yesterday, the upheaval of my life, and amend my reaction. Definitely drama.
“Well, I, um… I told him I can’t move in with him.”
“How did he take it? Oh, no!” Luci gasps, staring at me with wide eyes and dropped jaw. “He didn’t break up with you, did he?”
“Not yet. Don’t look at me like that, Luce. You know as well as I do that it’s just a matter of time. I mean, the distance and now the rejection? He has to decide whether it’s worth dealing with me and my shit long-distance permanently or if he should cut his losses. It’s pretty obvious which he’ll pick.”
Luci hands the dinosaur to Ashton, crosses the living room to sit on the couch, and pulls me into her side. I breathe in the aroma of coffee, mint, and wild jasmine, and she shakes me gently.
“I’m not saying you didn’t surprise him by saying ‘no’. Hell, you mighta even shaken his confidence a bit. But you should talk to him about it, okay? Don’t let your fears get to you if they’re unfounded.”
“What if he doesn’t think it’s worth it anymore?”
