Thankfully, he changes the subject to something less fraught with emotion—my Christmas plans. I tell him the truth: I have none. I hadn’t even considered making plans, not with everything up in the air. And now, the only thing I’ll be doing on the twenty-fifth will be spending time with Ashton and adjusting to my new life path. But that’s the future. I have the present to focus on.
I sigh as I pull into a stall in the parking garage. Tristan frowns, turns to face me as much as he can in his seat, and pokes my arm. When I glance at him out of the corner of my eye, he takes it as permission to ask the question that has been hanging over our heads like a sword of Damocles.
“What are you going to tell Holden?”
“I don’t know,” I whisper. “I guess I’m still thinking it over.”
He nods slowly then pushes open the door. I follow suit, but where I open the back door, Tristan lopes off toward the elevator that will take him to visitor parking on the top level of the garage. Ashton stays at my side while I grab the diaper bag, then we head inside the apartment building. Once I lays my coat on the bar counter, I usher Ashton to his toys and hope he stays distracted. I have a phone call to make.
The couch cushion compresses beneath me, and I blow out a breath as I tap the name that shows up too many times to count in my call history. Holden greets me within two rings, his voice full of cheer, and I grit my teeth as heat fills my eyes. I bring my knees to my chest and press the phone closer to my ear. Clearing my throat, I wipe at the tear slipping down my cheek.
“Hey.”
“How’d court go?”
Something in me threatens to snap at the fact he remembered. I haven’t reminded him since the day the date was finalized, but still he remembers I had to go in front of a judge because of my stepsister. A huff of humorless laughter escapes from me, and I shake my head.
“It went fine. Uh, Katie said she wanted me to have Ashton, said I’d be great at caring for him. The judge evidently agreed after all the home inspections and stuff.”
“So… You have custody?”
“Yeah.”
“Sweetheart, that’samazing! You’ve been so worried about him being placed in foster care, but now you don’t have to worry anymore. He’s with you.”
“I know. And I’m so fucking glad for that. I don’t think I could’ve dealt with not ever seeing him again.”
“I’m glad, too.” Holden pauses, and I know—I don’t need him to ask, but he does anyway: “Have you thought more about what I asked?”
I catch my lower lip between my teeth and bite down. My words dry up on my tongue. The silence says what I can’t.
“You’re not going to.”
It isn’t a question. There is no emotion in Holden’s voice, and my heart aches at the flat tone. At the hollowness. I bury my face into my knees and try twice to speak before I succeed.
“It’s not that I don’t want to. I—I do, Holden. I swear it.” I sigh heavily, wincing as two blocks slam together in Ashton’s hands. “I just can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because Ash has been through enough change in his life. I can’t just uproot him from everything he knows. He deserves stability, and moving wouldn’t give him that. So I think it’s best we stay here.”
“Dealla—“
“Sorry, Holden. I gotta go.”
I hang up before he can say another word, and it takes all my willpower to not throw my phone across the room. My throat is tight, and my eyes burn with the tears I stop fighting. Against my instincts, I had given thought to Holden’s offer of moving in with him. I’ve dreamed about it, waking in the morning wishing it could be reality. I should have known it never would be.
I couldn’t leave Ashton, no matter how tempting it was to think about living with my boyfriend, and now, I can’t be selfish enough to throw yet another change into his life.
I gasp in a shaking breath that does nothing to ease the splintering in my soul. Now I’ve told Holden no, it’s only a matter of time before this becomes the beginning of the end. I was right, all those months ago: It hurts like Hell facing the goodbye.
This Season…
WhenHoldentextstoask if I’m okay, I don’t respond. I merely shut off my phone and ready Ashton for bed. Of course I’m not okay. Nothing is okay. I am losing one of the greatest things in my life; Holden just doesn’t know it yet. I have Ashton to think of now, and Holden can never come before the toddler.
I fall asleep to the snuffling breaths of Ashton beside me and the hollow of heartbreak beneath my breast.
The quiet shatters with the harsh gasp, and I bolt upright in bed. My breath shakes from my lungs. My heart jerks into a painful rhythm. Icy sweat coats my skin, and goosebumps prickle across my flesh. The vestiges of the nightmare slip like water through my fingers, though I fight to remember. The only thing I can recall is the suffocating sensation of loss and loneliness, the desperation.
