“Okay.” Josiah leaned down, pressed a little kiss to Alex’s hair, and then walked to the door.
“Do you think,” Alex murmured behind him, “that you’d still want me if I didn’t look like I do?”
Josiah paused, frowning. “That’s an odd question, and it’s impossible to answer. You’re a stunning man, but you know that. However, I don’t think that was the source of our attraction, beyond, you know, getting my attention. Peter was no oil painting, but I found him sexy as hell. Sexiness, attraction – it’s not just about looks.”
“Neil wanted me for years. He wanted to possess and consume me, and Tyler and Elliot both wanted something from me, too, in their own ways. Now Neil’s dead…” Alex glanced overat him, his eyes stark and unreadable. “And I keep thinking it’s my fault. I was never very nice to him, but he brought out the worst in me. I hate how people always want something from me without ever really seeingme,and he was the worst for that.”
“I see you,” Josiah said. “But you have so much armour that I’m not sure I’m ever glimpsing more than bits and pieces. As for Neil, from everything you’ve said, he latched on to you when you were both still young and never let go. I think he projected what he lacked in himself onto you. You were a free spirit, and he very much wasn’t. You seemed wild and had a ‘don’t give a fuck’ aloofness. For want of a better word, you’re cool, Alex, and Neil was attracted to that because he sure as hell wasn’t.”
“Well, whatever it is, I wish I didn’t have it. I sometimes wonder if… if I had acid burns, or took a knife to my face, or something, whether everyone would leave me alone.”
Josiah came back into the room and stood in front of him. “Please don’t,” he said firmly, horrified. “Your poor body has been through enough. Besides, it’s not all about how other people view you - your reaction is important too. I think, maybe, there’s a part of you that despises anyone who is attracted to you.”Even me, he thought, but he couldn’t bear to say it.
Alex gave a twisted smile. “You’re probably right. Or maybe I’m never convinced it’s actually me you’re attracted to, but this.” He gestured at his face.
“Or maybe…” Josiah took his face in his hands and looked down on him. “You hate yourself so much that you can’t bear to be loved, because you don’t think you deserve it. You push everyone away. That’s why you were always going to want to break up with me.”
“I’ve left so much death and destruction in my wake: Mum, Solange, Elliot, Neil… even Peter.” Alex gazed straight up at him, bleakly. “I’m toxic, Joe.”
“No, you’re human. No better nor worse than the rest of us.” Josiah gave a tight smile. “Now, get some rest. This train of thought is no good for you.”
“I’ll try.”
Josiah kissed him gently on the head. “Remember, I’m always here for you, as a friend,” he said firmly. “Nothing more. Just a friend.”
His heart was breaking as he walked slowly up the stairs feeling like an old man. The bed was cold and empty again, just as it’d been when he lost Peter, only at least then he’d had Hattie to wrap his arms around, her warm fur to bury his face in. His heart, so newly mended, was a soft, fragile, unarmoured thing, like a hedgehog without its spines, exposed and vulnerable. He wanted nothing more than to curl up into a little ball and protect himself, but it was too late for that.
He’d lied.
He didn’t believe for a moment that what he felt for Alex was only related to the intensity of what they’d shared the night Peter had died. It was more. So much more.
He loved Alex with all his heart, but what was right for him wasn’t right for Alex. That poor man needed the time and space to work out what he truly wanted, without pressure or obligation. Breaking up with him had been the only decent thing to do. The only honourable thing.
But fuck, it hurt.
Chapter Twenty-Six
APRIL 2090
Alex
“Finally.” Tyler smiled at him wearily, as if the sheer inevitability of this moment had drained him of life. “Now, that wasn’t so difficult, was it?”
“No, it certainly wasn’t.” Alex smiled back, meaning it. He’d anticipated this moment for so long that it was a relief it was finally here.
“Tell you what… let’s go back home right now,” Tyler suggested. Alex nodded and opened the passenger door to climb out, but Tyler stopped him. “Why take the helicopter when we can drive?” He clicked on the biokey, and the duck hummed into life.
“In this?” Alex sat back in his seat, his stomach somersaulting in excitement.
“Why not? I bet you want to see how beautifully she goes over water.”
“I do!” Alex couldn’t hide his genuine desire to see how his invention had turned out. “Does she work like I designed her to?”
“Let’s find out.” Tyler gave him a conspiratorial wink. “We’ll call it foreplay.” He laughed as he slammed the duck into gearand drove her smoothly out of the factory doors and onto the road.
Alex felt giddy as his glorious invention purred noiselessly out into the street, but the real test would be how well she handled the lost zones, and Tyler wasted no time in heading for one. Alex gasped as the AV hit the water and began to glide across it.
“Oh shit, she’s fast.” He swung around in his seat, taking in the ride from all angles.
